I Have Lived Here For a Year and Have No Friends

We went out on Friday to the local language exchange. It is with the local Spanish school here in town. To say that I was not in the mood to be social would be an understatement.

All I have to say is relationships are a struggle for me, all forms, including friendships. It was the end of the night, and I was ready to leave, but I was talking to a girl. She asked me how long I had been here in the town; I said this coming week would make one year in Colombia and, at the end of July, one year in San Carlos.

Somehow we got on the subject of how I don’t know many people; basically, I have no friends. She looked at me and said ¨you have no friends, and have been here a year?¨ Well, shove a knife into my splenic artery and turn in a little more, please.

I was shocked and sad when she said it out loud. I know I don’t have any friends; I have people in town I say hi to and in my neighborhood. The only friends are often four-legged or the little kids in the neighborhood. I sometimes complain to my boyfriend that I don’t have any friends, but I don’t do anything to rectify the situation.

I like my peaceful existence and only want friends if they add to my life; I have not found that here yet. I have never been one that makes friends easily. I am awkward, shy, and have interests that many people don’t. I think that overall I am difficult to get to know. My shell is callous, but if you can get over the awkwardness and we both make an effort to be friends, then we can be friends.

Maybe it is me; I feel awkward in almost any exchange with other people. I don’t know what to say, especially if we do not find common ground immediately. Then I try to stick to asking the other person questions, so they avoid asking me any since I feel anytime I talk, people’s eyes start to wander like I am not interesting enough. I don’t know.

I have always struggled in social situations, hence why I relied on alcohol in the past.

Even as a kid, I didn’t have a lot of friends. I would have one friend in class, never a group. If I was in a group of friends, I was always an add-on, never the main friend. Which was always fine with me as I’m not too fond of any attention directed toward me, and I like to do my own thing.

It is difficult to find people that I get; most of my friends are not a group; they are one singled out person, and I like them but usually do not vibe with the rest of the group. I mean, I can hang out, and they always think I am ¨nice¨, but I know they don’t like me. Maybe it is mainly because I often think they are vacuous shells, and I can’t find any common ground. So it might be me.

Sometimes I don’t have the energy to deal and would rather sit there and stare at a wall instead of having a conversation with someone. I also feel them before they open their mouths to speak. I also hate being at bars, I know I say I can go and not drink, and I can. It is not the booze that bothers me at bars.

When people loosen up, their true self shows, and when you are sober, you see it so clear. The judgemental look in someone’s eye when you say you have no friends.

I have been described as bubbly and fun, and I can be when the mood strikes. Most of the time, that is not who I am; that person would make more friends than me.

I am fun, but more in a down-to-earth, real way. I do live in a dream world most of the time as well. So having a balance of dreams that most people think are unrealistic with my hand on the pulse of the real problems is difficult for many to comprehend. ¨How can you think one way but contradict yourself with this statement¨?

I don’t know; that is how I function; I have always been the one out of my friends from home to do the wild and crazy ideas, yet have a stable, steady job and a 401k. I bought bitcoin on a whim back when people thought it was crazy; I said why not.

I have always been seen as almost reckless, but I feel guided by a higher power for some reason. I do not have friends in person here, but I have a ton of neighbors I talk to and friends back home.

I had a friend who was in Medellin for a while and visited her while she was here; she has since gone back home to Europe. That is now me justifying myself, which I tend to do when I feel backed into a corner.

Finding peace and serenity within myself is much easier when I am alone. We come in and out of this world alone; I do not feel the need to go out of my way to make friends so that I can say I have friends.

When I could be going on walks with my dog and read a book. Yet this has always been my dilemma; when I was 10, I used to sit outside with a book and my dog and tell him stories, and we would look at the sky. So I guess I have not changed that much, except for letting the external pressures of society bother me, which is only a momentary lapse.

I am sure this feeling will be gone shortly. The good thing about me is that things come and go very easily. Yet I am also aware relationships with others are like the final frontier, the one difficult thing and the one thing I want to conquer.

Yet it is weird; when I am in a community, volunteering or working toward a common goal with others who align with my goals, I have always clicked.

So it makes me wonder, is the cheesy saying about finding your people true? Maybe I am looking under rocks when I should be looking on top of mountains?

Tomorrow I will leave my cacoon, my house on top of the mountain, and reenter society. It will be a brief spell, as I don’t think I will fit in there any longer.