I Fu*ked Who?

When you're 20, and getting set up on a blind date by your best friend, you certainly don't ask too many questions. "Is he cute?" is probably the only thing I was interested in knowing. So, meeting Ross, who was dating my dear friend Sandy and his best friend Mac, who they'd set me up with was....innocent and fun ..everything it should be at that age.

We got along famously, he was funny, cute, sweet and smart and the four of us spent many a summer night at the drive-in or local club tipping back rum and cokes. That is until that one fateful night in July when we were cruising around town trying to decide the course of the evening when it all...changed. Pulling into the parking lot of one of our favorite bars, only to drive through and pull back out onto the highway, we were like: "hey, what's up? I thought we were going in for a drink?"..."No", they fired back, "there's a new place we want to check out". But something was off..something felt different. The boys whispering to each other throughout the night, a date that would usually end at 3am was over by 10. The next week I only heard from Mac a few times. Finally, I had to press.."OK", I said, "what is going on??". Through pauses and sputtering he finally came clean...."I'm married"......the words just hung there for a moment..."Married???". True, He was five years older than me but the possibility that he was married never crossed my mind. "How is that even possible?" I asked him, "We've spent entire nights together!" He went on, "Technically, we're separated. That night at the bar, I saw her car in the parking lot, that's why we didn't go in. It's not a friendly situation and I didn't want it to be awkward for you". At last, an explanation! I was stunned for a few minutes. "Well, where does this leave us?" "I just wanted you to know", he said, "I'm glad I got it off my chest". The next few weeks our encounters were sporadic. "Work", he said I tried hard to believe him. Then on the first Sunday in August, Sandy showed up at my door. "C'mon", she invited, "Ross is coaching a little league game and wants me to stop by. Come with me". So I did. As we walked across the park, the baseball diamond came into view. Closer and closer we got to the little boys in their cute baseball uniforms and the moms and dads cheering them on. And then I saw him. Mac stood at the side of the bleachers, along side of him was a girl with long brown hair..who had her arm entwined with his...and she was pregnant. He saw me seeing them. He quickly removed himself from her grip but it was too late. Wife? Separated? Pregnant??...It was all too much. I turned and walked away and continued walking home by myself. He never reached out to me after that. I made sure I got word to him through Ross and Sandy that I would not be seeing him again. Even at the age of 20 I knew getting tangled up with a married man with a pregnant wife no less, was a one way ticket to nowhere. Turns out by "separated" he meant by distance - his wife had been out of town visiting relatives when we met and carried on.

It was tough, Ross and Sandy were an item and I would often hear Mac's name mentioned. He hadn't stopped being cute or funny and a few times I ran in to him at various clubs here and there and we always chatted. I learned he and his wife welcomed a son and despite his explanation of being in an "unhappy relationship" I used all my willpower to not let him sweet talk me into getting involved together again.

Summer turned to winter, and months to years. Eventually, everyone had gone their separate ways. Sandy met a new guy and they became engaged and then married. I continued with college and soon after marriage and children for me, as well. One day when my baby was a few months old I picked up the morning newspaper to find an article about Mac. He had been arrested for vehicular manslaughter! Driving drunk he'd struck a pedestrian and killed him. He was sentenced to prison. I wondered about his wife, his children (he had gone on to have 2 more) and suddenly felt extremely sorry for her. How is she dealing with this? How does anyone??

One day I was at a local amusement park, waiting to ride the helicopters with my little girl, when I looked back at the line behind me. A young woman with 3 children in tow was waiting as well. Short brown hair, a little heavier and looking tired..was that her? was that Mac's wife? One look at the little boy and my question was answered. He was the spitting image of his father. I followed her for a bit, and we ended up at the water pond, together, feeding the ducks. We smiled at each other. Does she know me? Does she know who I am? Or is she just being friendly? I cant remember who spoke first but we ended up chatting. Kids, the weather and then we found out we graduated from the same high school, although she was 3 years older than me, we ended up knowing many of the same people.

20 years later, there I was. Divorced, my kids grown and I was looking to rekindle old friendships. Shopping the mall I ran into some friends from school. There she was among them. Mac and her long divorced, we all made plans to meet up for a girls night. That evening, over margaritas, she poured out her story. Her ex was a cheater, an abuser, a narcissist and he had died from alcoholism while in prison. She shared the difficulties of raising her three children all alone. Her faith had seen her through those tough times and she had since remarried a wonderful man who treated her with kindness and respect. But she had stuck by the husband of her children the entire time he was incarcerated. I remember feeling such compassion and respect for her. Her attitude was so positive and uplifting. She had been through the worst of times, and here she was, telling me not to give up, to be grateful and to have faith in the good lord.

A few months later, I was hospitalized for a minor accident and she texted me everyday. "How are you?" she would ask, "Do you need anything?". When I was home recuperating she would reach out, "Can I bring you dinner? Would you like some company? I could just bring a movie and hang out if you'd like"...My affection and admiration for her continued to grow. She was literally one of the sweetest, most genuine people I had ever met in my life. And here I was, with this painful little secret of mine. I already knew many of the stories she would tell me about Mac, because I was there...I was part of those stories.....I REMEMBER them!

For over eight years now, she and I have been close friends. We have vacationed together, I have met (and adore) her children and grandchildren. We never forget each other on birthdays and whenever I need a sympathetic ear, she is someone I always turn to. I have never told her about my affair with her husband, even though many times I have wanted to. When I look at her son, so much a reminder of the handsome boy I had fallen for I wonder, Should I confess?? What good would it do? I cannot risk losing her friendship over something that happened when I was barely an adult. I continue to be in awe of her grace and sisterhood and wisdom. I cherish her too much to open old wounds that could possibly destroy our bond.