I Don't Know How I am Feeling

I'm confused.

I watch these break up tiktoks and I think of you. I still miss how vulnerable we were able to with each other- and I still crave it.

I miss how safe I felt in your arms and presence, but I know that when I was physically with you I also hated how immensely bored I felt at the same time.

But yet I still miss you. I miss our silly conversations, I miss your comforting touches, I miss gazing into your eyes... I miss being vulnerable with you. And you only.

I'm meeting different men now. I miss how comfortable I was with you tho. The trust I have with you feels like something I can;t let go of and allow myself to have with any of these other men.

One of the men I have been seeing wants me to do a lingerie photoshoot with him and I don't want to. I don't trust him 1st off and I'm shy.

I'm not an overly sexual person, I'm actually a lot more of the sweet romantic type when you get to really know me. I don't like to be overly sexualized. I like feelings of trust and having someone like me for my personality as well as appreciating my looks.

It sometimes makes me uncomfortable when people are over the top about how hot I am- cause I am cute and hot. I don't want to just be viewed as hot. I want to viewed for everything that I am- I have a big personality and am genuinely really funny. I want someone that will appreciate my humor and kindness. Someone who will encourage me in all various situations in life.

I don't know what I am doing. I went on a date this past weekend and I did like the man- I did not feel shy around him. And I liked that he wasn't pushy. I hate pushy. It makes me want to run for the hills.

I'm so fixated on Missouri and I's storyline sometimes. How we had time to become friends before dating each other and how that felt so much better in my eyes vs with these other guys I meet via dating apps.

I'm just a vulnerable bean that wants to be loved and to love :/

Weird world. Sad life.

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Update from whatever that was about! Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo and I had an absolute blast :) I went out with a cute UK man from the Speed Dating host gig that I do and went to Folsom 1015 ! Great way to end the night, and I remembered what jealousy looks like.

Do I really have to give the people that I date that much reassurance? One thing I liked about Fred was I never had to do that. He was already confident enough and I loved it because I didn't have to censor myself about my whereabouts. Was I seeing other men? Yes lol. But he didn't seem to care as long as I didn't talk about that specifically with him.

But Fred doesn't take me out on dates unlike these other guys. I like him for cuddles and good conversation - but these other guys will actually give me new experiences and I like that as well.

2 guys want to take me out after hosting on Saturday- and I have to decide which I prefer. I think I prefer the Capricorn to the Libra honestly. I was more comfortable with them and they didn't make weird advances towards me. Either would be a different time, just have to decide which one I want to do! With the Libra I could go back to their place, and that would be interesting to be able to be with another person. I don't know. We shall see. I still have 1 day to decide.

It's just funny because in the beginning of this week I was obsessing over the 40 year old I went out with dancing and to the race track with his friend. But I think that was simply because I hadn't gone out with anyone from the speed dating event before. And I was drunk, dancing salsa, he was funny and the only guy I was talking to at the time. I don't find him physically super attractive with our age gap and looks noticeably older than me- but he is fun to be around and enjoy our time together.

I was also a little toxic this week blocking and unblocking my ex just to get the tea on his roomate's gf and their situation. My best friend and I have been invested in their storyline for 2 years now and when I saw on her instagram a heartbreak theme, I immediately told her and she suggested unblocking my ex to get the juicy details lmao. Are we terrible? Maybe. But would my ex expect anything less of me? No LOL. I go based off of impulse and man does it make my life more interesting. And he is blocked again so I can continue on my healing journey without having to think of him. Out of sight, out of mind!

Life has been great and full of suprises!! I am going to enjoy this single time in my life :)