I dated nearly the entire zodiac—here's what happened

From the moment I got a boyfriend in college (late bloomer, I know) I started analyzing my significant others by their zodiac sign.

It probably wasn't a good idea, in hindsight, but I was 18.

A decade later, I want to tell you how dipping my toe in each zodiac sign has worked out for me as an impulsive, impatient, and super-creative Aries. That's right—I'm a fire sign, ready to stoke some wildfires with air signs, and avoid water signs at all costs.

If you REALLY want to understand where I'm coming from, I'm an Enneagram 3 and an ENFP-A. I actually frequently test as ENFP-T, which I like to attribute to my borderline personality disorder. The personality disorder, which is treated with therapy, is marked by impulsivity and mood swings. Basically, you're either a gambler, a shopaholic, an adrenaline junkie, or a whore when you have BPD.

And guess what I was in college?

Yeah. It's okay. I'm over it now. But let's pretend I did it all in the name of science and research, just for you.

First boyfriend: Scorpio

We really just dove in there, huh? Say goodbye to virginity and hello to sex dungeons and kinks. Just kidding. He tried to slide his hand down the back of my shorts (which I thought were tied tight enough to keep him out) and I looked like a deer in headlights and shouted "NUH UH!" We slept in separate beds. It was very non-Scorpio.

Whoops. Well, that's freshman year for ya. He was a bad boy, a smoker, a James Dean-looking motherfucker. I was living a '50s dream, that is, until he wanted to party and get drunk all weekend long while I was still a teetotaler. Needless to say, I spent all night discussing it with my friend, and dumped his ass. Scorpios are elusive, mysterious, hot, but totally not my thing.

Trust me. These stories get better as I get older.

Second boyfriend: Aquarius

For some reason, I thought it was a great idea to move into an apartment three hours away from my family with a guy I knew for three months who had schizophrenia. And I'm not trying to be funny. Clinically diagnosed with A.D.D. and schizophrenia. Quite the combo! You can bet that his personalities were cutting each other off while he was talking to himself.

What drew me to him was his creativity and his interest in me. That's about it. What ended up happening, you ask? Well, his Pandora's Box personality decided to come out one day and convince him to kill me. But that's not where I drew the line (because I'm that naïve).

I drew the line when he cheated on me with his best friend who threatened to sleep outside of our house if she wasn't allowed inside. Great times.

Hint: if he has a best friend that's a girl, you should walk away now.

Third boyfriend: Gemini

Ahh, this is where it starts to get good. I met a hot, Channing Tatum-looking dude while watching a football game in the dorms. He was super tall, tan, had green eyes and a bleach-white smile. He was older, too—5 years to be exact—and kind of stupid. But I wanted to stroke my hands along some abs. In his profile pictures on Facebook, he boasted tattoos and a carved, rock-hard stomach. But in person, his abs had dissipated.

It was very disappointing.

This guy talked about people like they weren't good enough for him, but really, he was the one making himself lonely. He did a Gemini bait-and-switch and managed to agree to a condom and proceed without one anyway. After that fiasco, he had the nerve to try to drink with me and my underage roommates. It doesn't matter what some guys' signs are. Some guys are just douches.

Fourth Boyfriend: Pisces

Oh, dear. This is the boyfriend who was super sweet. The one that you walk in the rain for, across highways, and risk getting hit by cars for. But he was also so romantic that he romanticized everything, including the 80s. I think he just liked me because I had poofy 80s hair in summertime humidity. We had a favorite movie in common, and he was obsessed with it. I think he was in a fictional world where he could interact with those characters.

His imagination was on a whole 'nother level.

Other than that, we didn't do much together. We just sat around and watched British comedies and boring shows. He was so obsessed with other eras that the present was just not cutting it for him. So, we were cut loose.

Fifth Boyfriend: Aries

Ah, the one that got away. As quickly as possible. Fire met fire. This guy was blunt, funny, and everything I could have asked for at the time. But, he was moving to a state far, far, away. So, it had to be a fling. I would have hung on to that one if I could, but that's an Aries for ya—they just don't stick around.

Sixth Boyfriend: Virgo

Oh no. Virgos are notorious for cleanliness, order, and control. I don't do so well with that. This guy knew exactly what he wanted: he wanted me to dress a certain way and talk a certain way. Plus, he had the tiniest little thing you've ever seen. It was a bad match. Earth + Fire = a no-go. Plus, what he packed in his pants did not help one bit. Sorry, but if he's going to have rules on my freedom of speech and fashion, I'm going to have prerequisites.

Seventh Boyfriend: Leo

This guy was nothing but fun. He cared a lot about what you thought about him, but he also knew he was cool. He treated you like you were center stage, but the next day, he was out to entertain his friends. And that meant you not going along with him. He wanted to get a part of you, without having a part of you in his life.

Eighth Boyfriend: Aquarius

Alright, alright. I'll admit. Maybe it's just my dating preferences and habits at this point that are fucking me over. And unfortunately, this one's a doozy. This one was a single father who gave me an STD while he pretended to have a mental breakdown as an excuse for not seeing me for an extended amount of time. Or maybe his daughter was sick. It was always something. Cheating was basically his hobby. And this was the time where I finally swore off Aquariuses, but they didn't dare swear me off. I moved across the country to escape him, and this guy proposed to me over text message and harassed me for hours on end each day, until I inevitably changed my phone number. The first one did that, too, after I left.

Cling alert.

Ninth Boyfriend: Cancer

Cancers are super sweet and romantic and they care so much about their family, which I was very invested in and all about. Until, I found out the hard way, that I wouldn't ever meet them. They're all about their loved ones, so much so that you'll probably never have the honor. Get outta there.

Tenth Boyfriend: Libra

Does this one even count? I'm not sure it does. It was more of an emotional relationship. A long-distance one, if you will. If you didn't know, Aries and Libra are complete opposites. And I'd always get into trouble falling for him. However, he was so non-committal that he continuously stood me up. But of course, in a true Libra nature, he was always there for his friends and family first. I think he wanted to keep the peace between me and his actual girlfriend, and could never make it down to see me. Cue the cringe.

Eleventh Boyfriend: Gemini

This one made me feel the worst, surprisingly. I met up with someone who I had a crush on in childhood, and I didn't have the same feelings anymore. I invited him as a friend to stay over. Well, he asked to sleep in my bed and I was naïve and stupid, and then one thing lead to another, all while he was saying "I want to, but I also think of you as just a friend," so it was super awkward. He was also really philosophical and kept talking about another girl right after. There are something about these Geminis, man. Maybe I should swear them off, too.

Twelfth Boyfriend: Sagittarius

After the 12th time, I finally learned. I wasn't going to go after guys for their looks anymore. Looks no longer mattered to me. I dated a guy who was funny, and a bit shy. He was a bit younger than me, but, much like a Sagittarius, he was up to go on any adventure with me. The only cringe-worthy thing here is that my brother is a Sagittarius, and I kept seeing resemblances. Cue the shudders.

Lucky No. 13 Boyfriend: Gemini. God damnit. A third Gemini?

As a single lady living on her own, I decided to swear off men for good. And before your mind can wander, it wasn't going to women either. I was going to swear off dating (or, being a whore) for at least a year to try to find my BPD ass.

You know what I found? Just two months later, I reconnected with yet another person from my childhood.

The good ones come around when you finally say you're done with that shit.

This time, I think I can say I met my soulmate. This Gemini has all of the good parts: he's talkative, interested, interesting, supportive, creative, and, to complement my polarizing BPD, he hates on people as much as I spontaneously do. Yet, he loves me more than anything in the world.

He's got that perfect 50/50 Gemini split, unlike the other backstabbing, hit-it-and-quit-it Geminis. This one is actually romantic, super fun, and someone I wouldn't want to live without.

Remaining signs that I don't need to find out about: Taurus and Capricorn. As Earth signs, it's just better if we don't.

Remember: Not all signs are douches (the love of my life is my third Gemini) and everyone is different. I'm not hating on any of these signs, it's just a diary of what happened when I tried to go about life like Pokémon, with the motto of "Gotta date 'em all."

Yeah, don't do that. I did it, so you wouldn't have to. And, if I were pickier, I probably would have met my soulmate a lot quicker without so much heartache.

The takeaway here is: Don't rule someone out just because they're a certain sign.

They might just surprise you.

If you were entertained by my super scientific comparisons, please give the article a like, or even a tip! Share your own experiences with the zodiac with me on Instagram or TikTok: @lisascreative. I'd love to hear from you.