I am not a Daddy's girl

Secret Out

When I was a very young girl, I wondered why my dad didn't love me the way he loved my little sister. He would pick her up and play with her(spinning her around and around). He had a cute name for her. When he saw her, the biggest smile would appear on his face. She was the center of his joy. He would do anything for her.

As a four-year-old, I could not comprehend what I was doing wrong. It looked like everything my dad did with my sister was just so much fun. I never received that type of attention from him. What I received from him, I didn't understand that either. His harsh words and disgust on his face made me feel like I did not belong to the family.

At the age of six, my world, as dysfunctional as it was, came tumbling down. My parent's marriage fell apart. My dad would say over and over that my mother would never take his children away from him. My dad sued for custody of my sister and brother.

While riding in the car, I asked, "Mom, why my dad didn't want me? He wanted my sister and brother. Does he ask about me?" She was silent for what seemed like forever. Then she took a deep breath and said, "Lee, you are my child and not his. He is not your father". I could not believe what I had just heard. Neither one of us said anything else for the rest of the ride. That began a lifelong journey of trying to figure out where I belonged.

A few months passed. I could not get what my mother told me out of my mind. " Baby, I met your daddy in Flordia when I was seventeen. He is from a good family, but he did some things I did not think were good to have a child around. They would love you, but I did not know how to get in touch with any of them." I do not recall her telling me his name at the time.

I would daydream about a tall, strong, dark, and handsome man coming to rescue me from all my troubles. I wanted to know the family I came from. All friends had fathers. Some did not live with them, but they knew who they were. It was all I could think of who my dad was because that must be who I look like.

New Life

After finalizing the divorce, my mother and I relocated to her hometown and my birthplace. We moved into a small two-bedroom apartment. It was nice, but I missed my sister and brother. My mother tried to make it as normal as possible.

My mom would say, "It is you and me against the world." with a smile on her face. It s not easy. We did not have much; she took the positions of mother and father for me. I will always be grateful to her for that.

The thoughts of not having a father would only creep back up when there was a program at school or church where a father's presence or nonpresence was noticeable. People used to say children can be cruel; adults can be. I remember overhearing some church ladies' conversation. One said, "It's a shame Sis doesn't know who that girl daddy is." The other lady said, "Well, I heard her daddy is the same as your niece." They both laughed. These were the type of conversations I would hear growing up.

My mother married her second husband when I was nine years old. I will not say much about him. Monday thru Thursday, he was a father figure.

He could not be there for me. His career in the military kept him away. Also, by the time I met him, I was ten years old. We accept each other, but there are still questions unanswered.

We have worked hard to build a relationship in my adulthood. I love my dad, and I believe he loves me as well. I am still not a daddy's girl as I envisioned as a little girl growing up without a father. A part of me that still longs to be the daddy's girl I saw my sister become.

I don't think I am a jealous person. If there is some jealousy in me, it would be of the women who grew up with a father that loved them. Their fathers were overprotective, told them their worth, and kept predators away. Every girl needs her father.

Thanks for reading.