I am Forever Sorry

From the bottom of my soul, I apologize to you. You may never know how much I hurt for the things that I allowed to happen to you because the old you has vanished into thin air and a new version has appeared. If I could simply go back and change that one day we would have never been faced with the hell that we survived. We would have walked the other way and not reached out to grab his hand and he rode by and pulled us up unto his nightmare. I may never forgive myself for letting his smoke and mirrors fool me into allowing him into our lives. For it was that one action that changed who we are forever. 7 years we spent with him and the carnage that he left in his wake will sit inside us for the rest of our days.

He came charging in on his white horse disguised as a prince with his bag of promises so shiny they blinded us to the truth. He promised us the world, the sun, the sky and the moon yet he turned his back on us the minute he had us right where he wanted us. We could not see that he was no more than a demon on a dark stallion waiting to suck the soul out of us.We could not see the evil hiding behind him for so long that it tore away the person we were and has replaced us with a person that we now have to get to know one day at a time.

We used to be the fire in this world that brought smiles to everyone's faces. We were the wind that blew good wishes to all humankind. We were the water that washed away the pain others felt and the sunshine that warmed away the chill of loneliness. We took the time to stop and appreciate all that mother nature had to offer and we loved life each day.

Innocent until proven guilty was the way we lived our lives. We loved all humans equally until they gave us a reason not to. We trusted, we cared, we praised, and we never let anyone down. Always the person that everyone could lean on when in need, we shouldered every burden that we could possibly take on.

We checked in on our friends and were always willing to offer a helping hand when needed. We hugged, kissed, and loved the people in our lives and let them know they mattered.

We saw joy in the world and lived a kind, peaceful life. We were a light in an otherwise dark world who would never turn their back on anyone. I was so naive to believe that he wasn't waiting in the darkness to pluck our wings away from us and leave us bloodied and battered when he was done.

A strong person who succeeded in everything we took on and in the end I failed you. I failed to see the signs that were there showing me he was no good. I failed to protect our heart and soul so we could continue being goodness on this earth. I failed to recognize when it was time to walk away and that caused you more pain that any human should ever endure. I gave him chance after chance to change his wicked ways and he let us down everytime.

A heart so kind and golden was turned into stone by the end of our time with him. An empty shell left with traumas and triggers that may never heal. A heart so warm is now scared and afraid to fully trust again. A smile once so warm and ready now takes time to come out. A kindness that was offered to everyone we met is now reserved for people who show us we can trust them. Our joy for nature has been left with a sense of anxiety if we can't see who is around us. No longer can we gaze at the stars and feel safe because there are monsters hiding in the dark that never resided there before.

Monsters that may only live in our heads but are as real as the hand we hold in front of our face. A hand that once used to reach out begging him to help pull us back and would now cower at his touch. These monsters will live inside us until we heal and the person we were before him becomes the person we are after him. The fear that he has instilled in us at the thought of living life is debilitating sometimes, and sometimes it is liberating. For with fear comes change, and with change comes new beginnings. I will strive daily to embrace the new beginnings we are facing. For it will be these new beginnings that will move us farther away from the damage he has left us with. This will take time for us to feel at home in our skin once again, but I will get us there. I am to blame for putting us in the situation that we are in and I will be responsible for getting us back to where we, once again, know who we are.

Forever our life will consist of two halves. Before him and After him. My promise to you is that never again will I fall for the smoke screens some use to hide behind. Never again will I put us in danger of allowing someone to steal our light. I will protect our soul at all costs from this day forward so we never have to feel that anguish again.

I am sorry that I did not protect you during the many times he let us down and broke our hearts. I am sorry that I allowed him to take away our pride and self esteem. I am sorry that I allowed him to kill the woman we were so proud to be. I am sorry that I have failed you in such a way that we may never forgive.

But I will spend my days becoming a better version of who we were before him. I will spend my days making sure that we once again are someone we can be proud of. I will spend my days focused on the belief that I can erase the damage that he has done to us.

We will come out of this a much stronger woman. One who will forever remember how sorry she is that she let a devil in disguise into our lives and she will always be our biggest protector from this day forward. I am learning to love us again, the before him and the after him, we will be whole one day. And we will erase him from our lives.