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How To Eat A Cat Is As Easy And Fun As Eating Ribs At Applebee's

Just Don't Try To Eat A Cat At Applebee's

By Jason Ray MortonPublished about a year ago 3 min read
How To Eat A Cat Is As Easy And Fun As Eating Ribs At Applebee's
Photo by Oleg Ivanov on Unsplash

For All Of The Cat Eaters Out There

Where are my cat eaters? Yeah, yeah, I know. Nobody eats cats in the United States. My dad told me about being overseas during the war, and how they served cats in places. Apparently, they serve dogs in places too, but nobody wants to eat a dog unless it's Oscar Mayer.

Most people I know have eaten a cat or two...or ten. They're happy to chow on some cat from time to time, not that they talk about publicly. Why more people aren’t eating cats is beyond imagination. I say the more the better, but that is just one hungry fellow’s honest opinion.

We all like our furry little friends. We like to pet them, run our fingers through their hair, and feel them purring in our hands. Women love cats almost as much as men. Something both men and women agree with is that there are 5 things to remember before, and while eating a cat.

Best Way To Eat A Cat

  • Bath that cat. Before eating a cat, you want to make sure that it’s been well cleaned and cared for. The last thing you want to do is chow down on a dirty cat.
  • Pet that cat before you commence eating it. You’re going to want to avoid getting any unnecessary hairs stuck between your teeth, so as you pet it, push that excess hair aside unless you’re lucky enough to be eating a hairless cat.
    • Make sure you’re using your fingers. It’s not like you need a fork. Eating a cat is one time to unleash your inner savage. If you’re eating it correctly, I’ve been told, you’ll have it all over your face and fingers. Like Ribs…
    • Finally, you’ll know you’ve done a good job eating that cat when that cat’s purring loudly and appreciatively. When that cat's warmed-over juices explode all over your face, you may be too proficient at preparing and eating the cat.

    Can You Eat A Cat The Wrong Way

    • Not all meals can be eaten the same way. Some meals require a fork, some a spoon, and some you have to use your fingers just right as you put that tasty treat into your mouth. Be prepared to vary your eating style if you're a cat-eating enthusiast.
    • Cat eating is like having drinks and an appetizer before the main course. You want to enjoy the appetizer, savor the sweet nectar that is the drink, and build your anticipation as you're preparing the meal.

    By Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
    • Enjoy Eating. Get in there and act like you're playing to win. Have you ever gone out to a barbeque joint and the rib plate was more than you imagined? Did you shy away from the challenge, or did you bib up and enjoy every last savory moment, licking your fingers clean at the end of your dinner. Eating cat is the same, you just have to enjoy dinner before you get to dessert.
    • Don't be afraid to get those fingers messy. Eating cat is like eating barbequed chicken, ribs, or pork chops. The messier your face and hands are the better. If you're not using your fingers, you aren't getting to enjoy all the wonder of cat-eating.
    • If the chef gives you a hint that you're not eating that cat well enough, then listen. Take the hint. How you eat that cat speaks to your respect for the chef's efforts.
    By LOGAN WEAVER | @LGNWVR on Unsplash

    Thoughts On Eating The Cat

    This is meant to be humorous. If you’ve read it this far, well thanks. A funny anecdote to this story comes from working with one of my all-time favorite co-workers one night. She asked why I was single at my age. I commented on attracting too many crazies to even take dating seriously. This was when “B” told me to stop eating the cat.

    Imagine my surprise when she explained that cat eating turns women crazy. What an excuse for guys and gals that don’t like eating the cat. So, grab some Applebee's on a slow night, then go eat that cat.


    About the Creator

    Jason Ray Morton

    I have always enjoyed writing and exploring new ideas, new beliefs, and the dreams that rattle around inside my head. I have enjoyed the current state of science, human progress, fantasy and existence and write about them when I can.

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