How #MeToo Movement Destroyed My Friend's Career

Remember the #metoo movement? It brought justice to many women. However, some people got abused within the movement which was supposed to expose the abusers and stop the abuse.

Isn’t it ironic?

I have a very good friend who suffered because a certain woman piggybacked on other people’s miseries and misused their goodwill to advance her own career.

You see, not so long ago, my friend was one of the most respected managers in the video games industry. He worked hard to achieve this status. He helped many people progress in their careers, he spoke at countless game conferences about various topics: self-improvement, mental health issues, equality etc.

He was passionate about his work and cared what others thought of him. He always tried to do his best not to upset anyone. Those who didn’t know him well would consider him confident.

His close friends knew that he was an introvert at heart and that his love for the video games industry suppressed the “shy” side of him. He respected everybody— he never dared to assume, he was often very straightforward in business and in personal life.

But not everyone can handle openness.

Two years ago, a woman contacted the video game press telling them that my friend has tried to sexually abuse her.

“Whaat?!”

The media picked up the story and suddenly it was all over the news. And as they say:

“If it's in the news, it must be true…”

I didn’t believe it. Not because I sided with my friend, but because I don't trust the media outlets, few years back my name ended up in newspapers along with my picture, the author stated that I was an orphan.

“Am I an orphan?”, — I asked my parents over breakfast. My sister's laughter, and so did I.

The woman gave very little information on the alleged “sexual abuse”. All that was said was that my friend allegedly put his hand on her knee, and advanced on her. She told him to back off and he did.

That’s it. End of the story.

“How did this make the industry news?” — I thought to myself.

But then I realized that it was the #metoo month, and the whole industry has set up various panels and talks around sexual abuse in the industry and beyond. There were few massive events coming up and it seems that they were still looking for speakers. I mean some of these events are in big cities like Tokyo, New York and Tel Aviv.

Did I tell you that these speakers stay in Hilton hotels and have free meals and drinks? So looks to me that the no-name girl secured her spot. Damn it!

The media used my friends name all over again, connecting him to people who have committed sexual crimes and were found guilty. It was inhumane. Nobody cared about his side of the story, or rather the story itself.

I was baffled — that’s it? What actually happened?! What did he do!?

I contacted my friend to hear his side of the story. It seems that the two of them had something going on. She was a junior within the industry, she wanted to make it into big companies. He invited her to a few after-parties and introduced her to the “crowd”.

They drank, had fun and around 4 AM they left to their separate hotel rooms. They continued texting that night, she sent him nude pictures. He flirted, she flirted back. Then he sent her a message:

“Do you want to have sex with me?”

She said no. He said OK. Conversation ended.

The next day he approached her and apologized, he said that he was drunk and that he took the nude picture as an invitation to ask. She apologized back. No hard feelings. She asked him later that day if she can join a VIP party. He sent her the invitation.

She asked him to pick her up, he was unable to. They mingled at the party but didn’t speak much. That’s it.

A month later the news broke.

I don’t see sexual abuse, I see a desperate cry for attention.

I along with many influential women and men in the industry urged him to share his side of the story, to expose the messages and set the record straight. He was reluctant. He started losing clients, people started avoiding him. He became depressed.

I flew in to visit him and persuaded him to share the story with the media, I believed that if he spoke out too, then perhaps things would get better. People would see the full picture and things would turn around for him. Reluctantly he spoke to the media and shared snippets from the conversations.

Days went by, weeks, months nothing changed. The article didn’t get picked up. The clients didn’t return. He didn’t improve.

The damage was done.

She, on the other, had was everywhere — at every event, she spoke at the biggest conferences, attended panel discussions and landed a job in one of the biggest video game companies in the world. How convenient.

The majority of the industry knew very well that what happened to him was an injustice. All he did, was show her respect — he didn’t approach her, or assume she would like to be intimate with him, he asked, bluntly. What is wrong with that?

If a female is single, drinking with a male until 4 AM at an after-party and sends him intimate pictures and flirts— she is giving him a GREEN light. The most respectable thing that can happen to her is to be asked, double-checked what are were your “intentions”. He asked.

I believe that the woman got upset after he decided that he may not want to pursue an intimate relationship with her and apologized the next day. Perhaps she got embarrassed for sending those pictures in the late hours or scared that he would share them with others, so she attacked instead.

Whatever the reason, it was not okay. It was also not okay for the other women to just accept her on a basis “she used the tag #metoo”, without listening to both sides, looking at the evidence.

They gave him a death sentence without a trial.

A year passed and I recommended him to be one of the panellists at a conference about mental health. The board agreed. After a little persuasion, he agreed to join the panel discussion as well.

He hasn’t spoken for a year at the events, so he was naturally very anxious.

The board decided, last minute, that it would be for the best if he doesn’t join the panel discussion as the majority are women and they don’t want to speak along with him. Wow.

I informed him, he accepted their decision, adding “I told you that I should not join”.

I was angry, I sincerely hoped that his expertise would be more important to them than these rumours. I live by the rule that everyone is innocent until they are proven guilty. He was never found guilty. He never had a fair trial.

He was executed.

Since that day he disappeared. The last time we spoke he was depressed: he deleted his social media accounts, left the industry and stopped answering messages. Coronapandemic happened and I lost touch with him.

I thought of him a lot but somehow I never reached out. Last week he came back into my life: we spoke for hours. He had a beard and gained a lot of weight but he had a hypnotizing smile on his face — he radiated with good energy.

We were on a video call and he showed me the house he built, the gadgets which he is fixing up and re-selling and then he went into his back garden and showed me his chickens.

“You have chickens now?”

“Yes, I want you to meet my beloved Aphrodite, look how beautiful she is!”

He showed me a chicken. She did look cute, for a chicken. I smiled. Turns out he has a full farm in his backyard: chickens, rabbits, dogs, hamsters and ducks.

I opened old wounds. He told me that he still helps out friends in the industry and that he is very grateful for what happened as it opened his eyes. He realized that he valued the opinions of other people above his own needs and that caused him detriment for years. In some sense, the woman set him free.

Now he helps others — he volunteers a lot. He writes, he fixes broken things, he shares his knowledge with people who wish to listen, he tends to his chickens and he does a lot of gardening. He built a house and a home, friends all around the world visit him. I will be visiting him this November.

He stopped stressing over other thoughts and perspectives and he realized how happy he can truly be. He focused on who he is and what he desires and how he can contribute. He also realized how many people were “fakes ”and weren’t really out there to support his success or well-being.

“When you stop caring what other think, you reclaim your life. You regain your freedom which you’ve lost the moment you someone else’s opinion mattered more than your own”

My friend still asks rather than assumes. He is grateful for the experience he had and in some sense, he is grateful to her too, and so am I, for opening our eyes — what other people think doesn’t define us. Our actions define us.

And what happened to her?

Oh, she has left the industry too, allegedly she was fired for gross misconduct. But who knows what's the real truth.

And to be honest, who actually cares about the truth nowadays?

#IDo

Thank you for reading.

This article was published by me originally here.