head vs. heart

June 6th, 2022

Being honest with myself was never this hard. I thought I was gonna be okay, but no. It kicked in. That old feeling that is unrequited love, which I know so well. I hoped to be immune to it after being in a serious, monogamous relationship for almost 4 years. But still, no.

I'm writing this entry from our bed, with tears in my eyes, listening to the same sad songs I listened to last time my heart was torn to pieces. A heart that had been broken by someone who wasn’t tied to me in any way but friendly. The difference now is: the one who broke me this week could have prevented it. And he should be the one trying to mend it too.

My heart tells me to stay because love can still be found in my smallest actions. Actions so small that many times go unnoticed. I dedicate. I spend time. Effort. And emotions. And I find it hard to recognize his love for me. So my brain jumps in.

''He’s tried to leave you twice before. Look at the evidence. Throughout all the years. Listen to what he has said to you. He wants to be free. You're preventing him from enjoying his youth. He is unhappy in this relationship. You're too unhappy for him to stand. Too romantic, too emotional, too dependent. How long til he feels like leaving you again? A whole year? Or just some weeks? Perhaps minutes?

Letting go is a part of loving, and you need to let him go. For his good but also your own. You're being selfish. Jealous, preoccupied. Suspicious.

When you leave him, you know he'll truly realise how good you are. But don't fool yourself; he won't come back on his knees asking to be with you again. He'll just move on, quietly and in pain. Without venting to anyone and not reaching out to you either.

He'll let you go peacefully, making it seem like it was a common agreement, settled in good terms. He's made that clear. And the worst part is, all you've learned together, everything that he has improved in himself thanks to your relationship, will be put into use with another person. A new, refreshed relationship. Without you.''

He still hasn't left me (and the writing of this entry was actually interrupted by him walking in the room to ask me why I had been crying yesterday). I rationalized before I felt anything, since what happened in my last entry I'm considering a breakup; and now that rationality has greeted us goodbye, and the feeling has settled in, it's my heart that speaks now. Punctured, begging for help. For recognition and validation.

''Will you really throw everything away? Up in the air? Risk losing something you'd been craving for years? He has apologized. You could have the brightest of futures together.

Learn his love-language and you’ll see how much he cares. Remember that song he wrote about you? I know it’s been years, but still. He wrote it nonetheless. Give one more chance, you can still sacrifice a bit more. Just a couple more years. It might be worth it. Please. For me.''

The only friend to whom I talk to when I feel desperately melancholic, somehow always ends up reverting the conversation back to her own relationship with her partner.

I'm mute. My boyfriend is the only one who understands what we have been through together, and now I'm afraid to tell him about how much he's hurt me. I'm sure he can see it, but at some point I might have to let it out. And God knows what the consequences of that will be. He was honest and I got hurt, I'm afraid that when its my time to be honest, I’ll blow everything up and rip the thread and break our 4-year-long streak forever.

I hope I'm not glamorizing sadness again, as I used to do in my foolish young years. I used to enjoy being sad, it was comfortable and I got reminded of this recently. But I will not accept that anymore. I pulled myself out of that swampy water well on my own and I refuse to be thrown back into it. I just wish for stability with the one I truly love, and the promise of a future together, but this is not for him to guarantee.

He seemed undecided last time we talked. I guess losing me doesn't sound too bad to him. And I know that if the decision is negative, there is no turning back. I'll leave for good and he'll try to be friends. Like he'd done with his previous lover. I'm afraid I won't have the strength to even think about the sound of a notification on my phone with his name on it. The broken heart can't always be mended by the one who broke it.

Even with all the emotional stress, I still don't seem to be able to let myself feel mad at him. Besides everything, I know he has loved me to. For a long time. And even when I'm in the gutters, I'm still a good partner and kiss his cheek when I leave.

- Ms. Rodwell