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Good Bye

Who is the real killer?

By Paige Castor Published 3 years ago 4 min read
4
Good Bye
Photo by Alexandre Tsuchiya on Unsplash

I walked in through the front door, throwing my purse on the floor and my keys into the dish. My face felt dry and tight. Walking into the living room, I kicked my heels into the corner and looked down.

The red button glowed on the landline, it pulsed so much like a beating heart. I hated it because I knew what was on it, who had called me.

I sat on the couch just staring at it, I was done crying, done with the blaming, done with any emotion; there had been enough in the last couple hours. The sky was dark outside, not even the stars seemed to shine, or maybe it was just me. For all I knew the world could be on fire and I could be sitting here.

I sat there staring at that button, I was the last and only person she called, and now I could only think of what was on that message.

It was the cancer, it was the cancer, it was the cancer...

The only words being repeated over and over in my head.

I don’t know when I pushed the button, but I sat there and listened and listened and listened.

“Hi, it’s me,” she paused, “I just wanted to say goodbye. I knew you won’t answer, you’re probably not home right now, that's why I called. I didn’t want to leave a note, I know how skeptical that would have made you, but at least you know this way it was me.

“I can’t live, well actually I don’t want to anymore like this. Wasting away until I'm nothing. You know I can’t survive this. I should have listened to you, but I didn’t and everyone had to watch me fall on stage. I’m sorry.

“I just wanted to make mom and dad proud like you. All I focused on was getting better, all I wanted to do was to shine. Well I’m shining now, right in the spotlight in front of all the doctors and nurses,” She took a deep breath in and out, I could hear it, the wheezing, even talking had become a chore for.

It wasn’t long after diagnosis that she started losing weight, til she was barely more than flesh and bone. She could barely take more than a couple steps without needing help, so our mom had moved in with her to help her out. She didn’t want a live-in nurse staying with her, she liked her privacy more than any of us.

“I should have watched and listened to you, when you told me to slow down and take time to see if everything was alright.

“I’m not gonna waste a way, not anymore. You know the procedure next week won’t do anything, I waited too long and I’m not gonna take you down with me.”

I knew what she was talking about, as identical twins, and the need for a donor for multiple organs was urgent, I didn’t hesitate to step forward. I can still remember the look on her face, at first I thought it was surprise, but I should have known it was guilt now. I should have listened more carefully when she kept telling me not to be her donor, that I had too much to lose for her.

I would just smile and say, “I have plenty of everything, but I only have one sister.”

“You know I never expected something like this to happen to me,” She laughed, “Ironic isn’t it?”

It was true, she always treated her body like a temple and thought of herself as indestructible.

“Goodbye Sarah. All I ask as my final request is that you live and be happy, if not for yourself then for me.” She took another deep breath and I could hear the begging in her voice with her quiet sob. “Please.”

The message ended, that was the last thing she did. They found her late this afternoon, or was it early evening. The timestamp on her message was from late this morning. Long before she was found. Mom and Dad wouldn’t even let me see her after they found her.

I know what will be written on her death certificate, suicide, but that's not true, she was murdered. It was the cancer that did it, it was the cancer that pushed her to do it, it stripped her of everything till she was barely more than flesh and bone. But most of all it was us not pushing her harder to go see a doctor.

If not for it, if not for us she would be making her debut as a prima ballerina. I was the fighter and sometimes heartless, but she was the one full of grace and kindness, my complete opposite.

In front of me, on my coffee table sat a picture of us together, it was at our first ballet, The NutCracker. I had forgotten the picture even existed until mom gave it to her a couple years back, saying it was her beginning. I came home and it was sitting on my front porch, in it’s glowing silver frame. We sat in those run down seats that our parents had spent weeks saving up for, we were so happy, and dad in that moment snapped our picture.

There was a letter on top of it, picking it up, I broke the seal and read its contents written in her beautiful handwriting.

Sarah,

Life is a dance, so live it well or not at all.

With Love

Lyra

Secrets
4

About the Creator

Paige Castor

"The first draft of anything is shit." - Ernest Hemingway

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