For the love I almost had

Sometimes getting things in the written word, pouring the emotions out, the things not said allowed can be a powerful release. That's what my therapist says. See I've only been in therapy for less then a year and it's much needed. I spent four and a half years with someone who has me so mentally confused that despite being single for the last five, it still bleeds into my daily life. I lost my uncle and grandmother within a week of each other. My dog passed away. My grandfather passed away. My aunt passed away. It's been loss after loss since the end of that unyielding, bitter, waste of time relationship.

Time passed and I traveled, wrote a book, moved to California and restarted a career I thought was dead. The one thing not on the bingo card? Falling in love. Which I did. At a time when I was deleting the apps, saying it wasn't for me, and we found each other. But it was me, this time, who messed it up.

I told myself that whenever I was ready to get back into dating, I wasn't going to settle for less than the bare minimum anymore. Hell, I didn't want to settle for the bare minimum either. This guy is none of those things. He called me weekly, texted me every day, went on dates, made me laugh, bragged about me to his friends, and took me out of town for a weekend. He asked me about my writing. Progress on my short film, and is supportive of all the things I do. Hell, he got mad at me because I paid for his birthday dinner (which was indeed pricey but worth it). He bragged about me to his friends.

I crocheted him a blanket, which I would never do for anyone before and never will again. Bought him Mike and Ikes because they're his favorite candy and they don't sell them at movie theaters. He told me something of his that broke, which really means something to him. I immediately started buying materials to fix it. I really wanted his cats to like me. I'm a dog person, but they're so important to him, and honestly, they really are the sweetest cats I've ever met. I had finally made progress, I think. I met his friends, who are pretty cool. He's met mine...most of them. I looked at the job market in Boston because he would keep bringing up how he wants to move there one day. He had wanted to take me to Boston to visit. No one has ever wanted to take me anywhere.

My ex would ghost me for days. I wasn't allowed to discuss my feelings, work, or anything negative. I was at his beck and call, but if I needed him to be there for me, it would be radio silence. I can't explain how or why I stayed for so long until he left. But I remember one night he was staying over, and I was telling him of an incident that had happened in the community that was wild and sad. He said it made him uncomfortable, he didn't like it, and left. Left. He never stayed over again; I always went to his. This voice lives in the back of my head because of him, because of how other people I cared about in my life treated me. "You're a burden." "Minimize and internalize." "Keep quiet." "Everyone has their own problems, don't add to it."

I may have been single the last several years, but it didn't shut the voice out, apparently. I've only recently started working with my therapist on this, but not soon enough.

I posted something online. Something that has since been removed. It was something I should have told the person I was dating. The person I know cared about me and was worried sick when he saw it. I should never have done it. I should have told him. Should have, should have. Communication was always a dealbreaker; I knew this since day one. I'm grieving my consequences.

The healthiest relationship I've ever been in, with a man who is truly amazing (even with his own flaws). I let that voice ruin the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I ruined the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. Does anyone have a time machine?

A love I've wanted, deserve. Gone because I'm an idiot. This will give my therapist something to mull over.