Feeling powerless to help with anything or anyone

You know the feeling of when you feel like you are finally on the right track in life and that whatever you are doing, you can envision and feel that you are actually making progress? You hope that nothing bad will happen and you hope that you won't regress back to how you were before, but that fear is there. It is ALWAYS there. You have spent enough time experimenting with yourself, with others, and with your interactions with others, and so now that something "seems" to be working for you, you pour your whole force, your whole fiber and being into your field and you actually have a central focus instead of having your mind zip and zap all over the place. This is true for me, to me, who struggles with imposter syndrome. I never know how to act in certain situations, and I just feel that I mimic what everyone else is doing, what everyone else says. I adapt to other people and try to say things that will invoke a positive feeling unto others.

However, I also realize that I have a certain ability. I have a certain ability to empathize with others and envision myself in other people's struggles. I find myself stepping into their shoes and imagining myself also making the same mistakes, choosing the wrong choices, and being one with that individual if I allow myself to immerse myself enough into that person, into every fiber of their being. Sometimes, no, many a times, I find myself not being able to fully commit myself to stand in their shoes, because there is nothing I can do to change their situation at the moment. Especially if it is a stranger on the street and we make eye contact, I take in and notice the details of that person, subconsciously, from how they look at me, how they are dressed, how they are wearing their hair, and how well they coordinated their outfit. How they walk, how they talk, and if they have any family members and/or friends around them also gives me a peek into their soul. Now I realize some people must find this freaky and creepy and it's not like I want this to happen myself. No really, it is something that happens to me subconsciously and I wish there was a button in my brain to turn this off because often, way too often, I end up going into sensory overload when I am in an outside environment so that when I do in the end, end up at home, I feel like I'm about to collapse on my bed and not wake up for at least a couple days straight.

Now, previously, what I talked about was just with strangers and people that I am not that close with. I know myself that I have limited energy and only a certain amount can be used per day before I get into the place of no return, putting my own health at risk as well as others. With my own family and friends, they are a bit older and I'm talking about my aunties and uncles, my parents... yes, the boomer generation. I want to help them, I really do, and I have been endlessly racking my brain for different paths, different approaches to talk to them to try and get them to change their mindset and their ways, but it is hard. It is very, very hard. Even my own father, I've had to try all kinds of methods to get him to tone down his aggressive behavior and nose-high-in-the-air-I-can-do-anything look and get him to actually acknowledge his mistakes, which is hard. No one really wants to admit to their mistakes but if one does, then it is both liberating and a sign of great mental growth, of maturity. I understand how hard it was for my parents' generation growing up, they basically had to fend for themselves with my grandfather's generation out working all the time. Not much time was spent showing them how to milk the cows or how to calculate receipts using an abacus, figuratively speaking of course besides the abacus part. But I am envious of the time they lived in as well. I want to live simply but modern society and societal pressures dictate that I should not do so. I have to be someone, make a name for myself, earn lots of money so that I can prove to others my worth and all the efforts, dreams, and hopes my parents placed onto me. This is on top of dealing with family matters since a very young age.

All I ever wanted in life was to have a happy, healthy family that got together and stuck together through thick and thin. I wanted a family that felt safe and comfortable with each other and that we could build upon each other's strengths, not cripple each other and bring each other down. Yet, this is what I find I have been struggling to solve with my family and between my friends whenever a situation escalates. I try to defuse the situations as best as I can, make the atmosphere lighthearted and make myself look like a clown by doing ridiculous actions to try and make them laugh. It works for a time, but I still have yet to figure out how to break their hard stances, quickly, more efficiently, something that doesn't take years or decades because as they are getting on with age, I am also. I can't be doing this forever and trying to cover up their mistakes. Maybe I should just expose their actions and their true behaviors to the world if those actions and behaviors haven't been exposed already, but as I try to get my life together, I just worry for them, I hope for them to get together, settle their differences, and just be harmonious together for the rest of their lives.

In the end, I just feel tired. I feel trapped. I feel sad at the current state of the world and how, even as strongly as I will everything to stop, to be at peace, I know that peace will perhaps always elude humankind. If only there was a rewind button and I can go back in time to change things from compounding onto each other, one after another... If only...