Do I love him?

I've known him since we were sixteen. I fell for his conversation. I never knew what he looked like when we first started dating. It was a long-distance relationship. One night I felt like my whole world was crashing down, and he came in and picked it right back up. He's saved me more times than I can count. How?

It's in the way he talks to me. Like Prince Stephon kissed Aurora to wake him, this man speaking to me is the kiss that wakes me from my slumber. When he calls my name and tells me that he's not going anywhere, and even when he's just going on about his day, I can sit there for hours and hours on end listening to him. And I do.

Back then, we would talk on the phone for about three to four hours before falling asleep. After breaking up and getting back together, in our mid-twenties, we still do the same. After I get off from work, I can't wait to race home and call him. What do we talk about? We talk about nothing and everything at the same time. About how I love Disney, how he thinks I'm so childish that I'm five years old, how I think he's a drama queen, and even how he loves spinach when I absolutely hate it. The only difference between now and then is that the longest time we've stayed on the phone, on the same night, is for six hours. And I would happily do that over and over and over again.

I swear it's all in his voice too. I remember a time when I had to explain something to him, but I was afraid it would come out the wrong way. So, I stuttered and fumbled over my words. As I tried to find the right words to say he stopped me. He said in the most gentle tune, "Stop. Come back to me, take a breath, think about what you want to say, and then say it. Take your time." He's so patient with me and handles me with care. I feel this in every word he speaks.

I'm literally asking myself right now, at this very moment, "Is this love? Do I love him?"

So what if I believe that his heart shines brighter than the sun? He always feels the need to help people. Of course, he will make it seem like he only helped to benefit himself, but really he does it for the benefit of others. He is a macho man for sure and wishes to keep the persona, but he can't hide the beauty of his heart. It shines too brightly to miss it.

And yes, I admire his strength. Oh god, I love how strong of a man he is. Although he is physically strong, I am talking about his mental fortitude. If it means to protect his friends, family, and anyone he cares about then you will find him standing against a thousand men. There is no such thing as fear when it comes to him. No matter how big the situation may be, or how painful it may seem, you'll find him standing his ground in front of any threat. He'd take the pain of anyone he cares about if he could. "Pain is a sign of weakness leaving the body. It's all mind over matter." He's said this since high school.

I remember when he told me that the first tattoo he ever got was on his hand, and he did not cry for it or need any breaks. I was shook-eth! I asked him why he did it, and he said: "I chose the place it would hurt the most, so the other tattoos I would get wouldn't seem like such a big deal." He always has the mindset of facing a challenge head-on. You will NEVER find him backing down from anything or anyone. If we were in Las Vegas, I'd place my bet on him every time. If someone asked me, "Do you really think he's going to be able to do that?" I'd say, "I don't think I'd bet your life on it, but I know I'd bet mine that he would laugh in the face of any risk or danger." And that can be said if he were sticking up for his loved ones, anyone in trouble, or himself. The things he says stick with me.

"I've never been afraid of hard work." is another thing he said to me. He's always so willing to improve himself. It's funny because I feel as though he has already reached the top of Mount Everest, and he says: "Nah, I know I can climb higher." It's contagious really. It's like him being at his best instantly makes me want to be at my best. I've never had someone have that impact on me. He shows me his best self, and I aim to return the favor. Even if that means going to the gym to better my health, even if that means getting rid of old habits, even if that means pulling a one-eighty on my whole routine. His being better makes me want to be better for myself. And honestly, he deserves me at my best. We both do. I have the utmost respect for him, how he carries himself, his heart, his mind, and his spirit.

He's a fighter on the inside and outside. He is the twenty-twenty-two version of King Arthur himself. So noble, brave, full of humility, courage, honor, and loyalty. He doesn't even need Excalibur to be King Arthur. I've never met a real living Knight. I swear, if you knew him as I do, you would call him a Knight as well.

So what if I want to give him the world? So what if I want to be by his side every step of the way? So what if I want to learn all about him? When I say "all" I mean, I want to see the beauty in him. I want to see the beast in him. I adore the good in him, as I do the ocean when the sun glistens upon it. But, even a beautiful ocean has its deepest, darkest parts that can be scary, to say the least. Even so, I still want to know everything about those deepest, darkest parts of him. And I would not mind spending the rest of my life doing so.

I've felt this way about him since we were sixteen. I tried to date other men and ended up trying to find a man like him. Thinking I could get over him was the biggest mistake I could've made. I still have these feelings for him, as I did years ago, but the only difference is that now my feelings are stronger. They've only grown over time and even as I'm typing I can't help but smile at the thought of him. I know I like him, that's for sure. But, I don't think I could recognize love if it slapped me in the face.

Is this love? Do I love him? I feel like it is, but I would really appreciate any advice or feedback. Thank you!