Destination: Me

The story of my coming to being, and letting that shine through is one that took me most of my life. I am and always have been a people pleaser; it’s just how I am. From a young child through to my adult years, each and every individual in my life always came before myself.

Being someone who puts absolutely every individual before yourself, you lose a very large part of yourself. I didn’t know who I was. I spent most of my duration in this life taking care of others rather than getting to know myself; to nurturing and attending to the person who needed it the most - me.

This behavior was not only in my friendships and acquaintances but in my romantic relationships as well. Devoting all of myself and everything that I absolutely have within me is just how my brain worked. And many of those partners did not have a happy ending like I so wished.

The instance in particular which led to me finding my true self was one of these relationships. Being with someone who is unfaithful is something that doesn’t just break your heart. It crushes your self-worth; your confidence; your ability to have any sort of faith in humanity. And that's exactly the cycle that I found myself in. Something that I promised myself I would never feel again.

I did my time with heartbreak. The lazy couch days crying and eating my sorrows away, but I had to choose not to stay there any longer. Each day I made myself get up and continue my life. The thing that I was in control of. To shape for myself. I had to make the conscious decision not to let the actions of one individual affect the way that I view others, and myself. I couldn't let the behaviors of one determine how I felt; my worth isn’t based on someone else. I knew in order for growth - real growth - I had to actually heal from the inside out from these events. I knew that I had to go through the feelings, and hurt. Work through my new found self-esteem issues, and grow and learn from this difficult time.

I made it a point for myself to pick up one or two habits to become a happier, and healthier individual. So I began journaling each and every day. It allowed me to look deep into myself. To recognize, and work on my character defects. I learned who I was. All of me; to the very core level that I never quite delved into before. Yes, a lot of it was not the best of days. But learning to accept the good and bad of myself now allows me to see myself as a whole individual, not just what my ego had to tell me I was.

I made a habit of treating myself and my body kindly. To take things slow when days were difficult. To eat healthy, to be active everyday, and to reconnect in nature as much as possible. I took the time to treat myself with the love that I deserve. It was an effort that some days came more difficult than others, but I am grateful for those days that I could just call another day that I made it through. It started to change how I think about myself, I became grateful for who I was, and the things that I have in my life. My state of mind began to shift slowly through this process. I learned what I have to offer someone. I saw a deeper, and kinder state of myself.

Through all the heartbreak, I learned that things happen. And that many of them we truly don’t have control over. But that these things happen for a reason; what that is may not always be clear, but that there is always a benefit in difficult times. And that by staying true to ourselves, and working through it, we can come out a better version than we could have originally imagined.

I came to love myself, all of myself. Each dark corner that lies within, each quirk and moral of mine. I came to cherish myself. And that alone, is a cherish able gift all on its own.