Delusional

I'm starting to think that this definition fits me so well lol. I know he's not mine and I'm not his....but at the same time, when we're together he's every bit of mine.

A few months ago when him and I were together I told him he almost made me ask him whose's it was. That in my mind the entire time I was on top of him, I kept repeating to myself that I was going to show him how much I missed him. Remind him why he takes time out of his day to see me.

When I mentioned that to him, he said that's daddy's girl :). My goodness he's such an enabler.

Or could it be that he wishes I was his just as much as I wish he were mine. When I'm with him the fact that we both belong to other people, that we both have other obligations doesn't even matter.

Maybe that's the beauty and the curse of it. For a little while, I get to exist in a space where I don't have to think about what we aren't. I don't have to acknowledge the boundaries, the obligations, or the reality waiting for us when we part ways. I get to enjoy him, and perhaps selfishly, I get to feel like he's mine.

But I wonder sometimes if he feels that same sense of belonging, even if neither of us would ever dare put those feelings into words.

Does he ever find himself wishing the circumstances were different? Does he ever look at me and wonder what it would be like if there weren't so many things standing between us?

Or am I simply finding comfort in the possibility because it makes the moments we share feel a little less temporary?

Could it be the fact that there is nothing binding us together other than pure passion, that makes this.... him.... so exciting?

In the beginning there was a point , when I really started feeling something for him, that I wanted to have his baby. A way to be connected to him from there on out for the rest of our days lol. Yet, everytime my cycle came I really did feel a small sense of disappointment. The fact that I would bring up possibly being pregnant didn't scare him either.

I was trapped in this loop of he wants, he wants me not...........

He gives me just enough to make me wonder, just enough to make me believe that maybe there's something underneath all of this that neither of us is willing to acknowledge. And then there are moments when I question whether I'm simply giving meaning to something that was never meant to be anything more.

Maybe that's what makes it so consuming. I'm never quite certain where I stand, but somehow I keep finding myself wanting to stand a little closer.

I can't tell you how many times I've stopped and said this isn't me. This is not who I was raised to be. I never thought that I would be here. Someone's whole wife and someone else side piece.

How many times I just wanted to end it, but the thought of not hearing his message tone in the morning, who am I kidding, throughout the day... physcally hurt. I never thought that was possible either. No longer hearing his voice scared me. Wondering if life would feel the same without his touch. After all he is my favorite eater.

Sometimes I think I know better, and other times I'm perfectly content with not knowing at all. Maybe that's the delusional part. Taking something that has no promises attached to it and finding comfort in the little things that make it feel like it does. I can recognize the reality of our situation and still find myself getting lost in the possibility of what it could be. Perhaps those two things can exist at the same time.