Confession of a Binge Eater

For me, closet binge eating held so much shame. What’s even worse, were the lies I had to create to convince myself that I did not have an eating problem.

Anytime I was around friends or family I would only make healthy food choices. Every business lunch, family get together or a meet up with friends where there was food involved, I would only order a salad or a healthy sandwich. If I ordered a sandwich and it came with fries or chips I would only eat one or two to appear that I didn’t eat fried foods. When secretly I really wanted to devour what was on my plate along with the fries on everyone else’s.

I was living a lie and faking my reality instead of truly creating something real I could live by.

Worse yet it would take all the self-control I had when the waiter would ask after each meal, “Would any of you like dessert?” Most of the time I could count on someone at the table saying, “I really shouldn’t but, I’ll take a look at the dessert menu.”

“Would anyone be interested in sharing something with me?” I knew I would have to begin covering up and pretending that I really didn’t want whatever they were ordering. When secretly I could have ordered one of everything on the dessert menu and ate it myself.

I knew that once I had dessert, it would trigger the need and desire to want more and not be able to stop. For example, if I had a plate of fries or a dessert, it was like opening the gates of eating hell.

Desserts to me were never enjoyed as a culinary experience; instead, they were the ticket to allow me to binge the rest of the day.

While all this was quickly flashing through my thoughts, someone at the table had ordered a decadent dessert, and without fail the conversation would always circle back around to our weight and health.

Of course, I would never order any dessert myself, (at least not out in public) and my friends would then keep hounding me to have at least one bite.

Dealing with the peer pressure of everyone wanting me to eat a dessert brought on the battle inside my head. Do I take a bite or not?

The internal conflict and the guilt presented itself repeatedly. Finally, I would have only one forkful, just enough for a taste. As the conversation continued regarding weight and diets I would chime in, “I try not to eat this stuff. It will take me forever to work it off.”

I was not only lying to my friends and family, but I was also lying to myself. I created a false reality by believing in the lie that I had a slow metabolism. I had convinced myself that I would never be able to lose weight. The reality, if I would just stop going through the drive thru and eating extra meals, I could be on a healthier path to lose weight.

When I look back on this way of thinking, it is obvious that lying and eating was easier and more important to me than having a healthy body.

Lies we create, are the re-enforcement to keep us in a comfort zone to stay emotionally safe. Year after year I lied to myself so I could justify my unhealthy actions. It took a long time to create an unhealthy body. It only makes sense it is going to take time, patience, and strong choices to undo the damage.

We need to begin acknowledging what we are truly telling ourselves to break the vicious cycle of binge eating.

Emotional eating is an addiction. With other addictions, you can stop the action completely, drinking, smoking, drugs, etc. But unlike these addictions, you cannot simply stop eating. Emotional eating is one of the hardest addictions to face. We literally must make a conscious effort everyday with every meal until we break the spiral that continues to hold us prisoner to a cheesecake.

Many of our eating disorders are a product of the association with what we are feeling or an attempt to fill an emotional void.

The next step is really to understand why we grab a certain food, and what is the story behind it?

Every time I find myself looking for the answer in the frig, I stop and ask myself “Is the temporary satisfaction really worth the lifetime of health issues? “

It has not been an easy journey to break the emotional eating, however each day is a day to celebrate my healthy path!!