COMING OUT

Dear Journal,

I know I said see you next week in my last post but I really felt I need some one-on-one time with you today. Here I am in the cold mist of it all sipping on a cup of tea and thinking about my life and how currently i'm caught between a rock and a hard place and whilst I love to keep the suspense going with my readers this one I have to share I’m in desperate need of some advice. When one is not accustomed to expressing themselves the situation I’m in now is where you will end up.

Let me introduce you to the “CONFUSED” version of myself. I am currently in a relationship. A long term one I might add, my person makes me happy needless to say, there’s no cheating involved….at least that I know of and when we are together I always feel like I’m all desired plus more. But here comes this asshole I like to call “TEMPTATION” now that’s a really big one for me. I’m a shy person as you all may notice by now so I have mastered the art of suppressing the urge of temptation. However, this recent one keeps lingering around and I cannot seem to shake it off.

Would you call it love or infatuation? Let me give you the low down. I have strong feelings for another person, now this person and I are of the same sex. I mentioned this other person to my spouse to show I have physical attraction to this person and we have spoken on more than one occasion so I got a taste of how this person thinks and I am mind bobbled. Okay, lets reveal the genders I don’t want my readers to get confused. I you’re awesome writer is a female who is in a relationship long-term with a male and I am lusting over another female OMG I SAID THAT OUT LOUD. Well at least I wrote it lol. If my walls could talk I would be in big trouble right now.

I work full time with this female that I am going crazy on the inside for her. She is soooooooooooo beautiful, smart, kind, caring, sexy as hell and just simply awesome. Her name is Terry. I have dreams about us together going on dates, talking and laughing and ending our nights very intimate and when I awake from those dreams you know I am literally wet in you know where. Now there is a downfall to this topic of my “Dream Girl” OMG journal here goes……. She was the side piece of one of my closest friends. God damn it! I have been lusting over this girl in silence since the very first day we met and almost three years after here comes my friend telling me she slept with her. I was so crushed but as the good person I am I was happy for my friend but then my friend broke up with her and got serious again with her partner and then I got upset and the feelings keep going on and on in my damn head.

How the hell did I get here and how do I get out. I haven’t spoken to Terry that much since I found out she and my friend were a thing but I still look at her pics from time to time and fall weak in the knees. Yes! Don’t judge me I am in a relationship and I love my man to the moon and back with all my heart we have been through a lot together we have a very strong and stable relationship. I wouldn’t leave my man for anything but the fact still remains I am lusting hard over a female I can’t have and I say can’t have because of the respect I have for my friend. How many of you readers have ever been in this situation? Or can relate to this by any chance?. I don’t know what to do right now I just had to get it out. Over the next few days ill be doing some hard thinking. I don't know if i should tell her how i feel about her in hope that it can be something or just tell her because damn it i want her to see me. What if she doesn't even feel the same way i feel that would be sooooooo embarrassing. Damn these feelings and emotions but i want her so bad. Its like that challenge i see parents doing these days to their kids. You know the one where they sit a bowl of candy in front the young child and tell them not to eat it till they get back thats how i feel. She is my bowl of candy that i cant have and it hurts cause i just wanna grab her. Damn i sound so stalkerish you know that weird guy always in the back lusting and then turns out to be a killer in the movies all because of love i dont wanna be that guy OMG. do you guys think i should express myself to her? i will be back soon i need to take a long look into myself right now.

Till then my loves. The one and only.

-Anonymous 858