Christmas Lights

I couldn’t help but notice as I walked by your house this morning that you still haven’t taken down the Christmas lights we put up together. It’s the middle of January, for God’s sake. Why are they still on your windowsill, glowing brightly during the night as if the holiday of cheer hasn’t already passed? Is it because you want to remember us? All of the things we did together? All of our Christmas memories and nostalgia? If that’s the case, then why did you break up with me in the first place? If you’re so sad about the fact that we’re over, why did you end it? You leaving those lights up on your windowsill is not helping at all. Take them down. Move on from the way things used to be. Turn them off so I don't have to see them from across my street anymore.

That’s what I tried to do. I took down that Twenty One Pilots poster you gave me for my 16th birthday. I put the journal we wrote together in a drawer in my basement. I gave the guitar we used together to my older brother because he’s been searching for a new guitar for a while and I didn’t even want to look at that one anymore. I’ve stored everything that reminded me of us away. I've put our stuff in the basement, in the attic, sometimes even thrown it away. Why haven’t you? What are you still trying to cling to? Do you want me to walk up on your doorstep, apologize for any transgressions I made over these past two years, and run into your arms again, letting all of our cares wash away as we get lost in our happiness and reconciled relationship? If that’s what you want, why are you communicating that message in such a convoluted way? If that’s what you want, why can't you just text me?!? I assumed you never wanted me to talk to you again, so I haven’t. Sure, I’ve kept your number saved on my phone, but I haven’t texted you since last month.

You’ve always been so mysterious. Why couldn’t you have just said what was on your mind? You know I’m not good at body language or vocal cues. Just let me know what you want me to do. God, now, thanks to your desperation to cling onto something, you’ve sent me on a spiral of negative thoughts, wondering what I could have done differently and if there’s still time for me to fix all of this. Why is this the easiest way to walk to school? Why do I still have to see you walking in the hallway every single day, wishing that things have ended differently? Why is your house right across from mine? Why can I no longer just knock on your door and say hi to you, offering to walk you to class as we talked about whatever random thoughts crossed our mind? I promised myself I wouldn’t do this, that I wouldn't go back into the over analyzation of every action I made during our relationship, so thank you very much for bringing my anxiety back! My God, I’m mad. Just leave my thoughts alone. Stop tormenting me. I miss you. I thought I was over you. I really thought I was over you. But I guess I'm not. I guess seeing those bright, cheery lights just reminded me of the connection we used to have. Beautiful and colorful. Maybe once you turn them off, it will actually represent what it is now -- broken and colorless.