Catalyst

December 21st, 2021

If I could read this letter to my past self this is what I would say:

“May I hold you while you cry sitting on this mattress on the floor of this humble studio-attic apartment?

May I remind you to take the deep breaths you’re trying to resist?

May I share with you a vision that you might not know is real just yet?

I am so proud of you.

What if I told you, not only do we make it on the other side of all this unknown, but we are thriving and inspiring others to go all in too?

Trust yourself. Trust the part of yourself that in the past was pushed down to be molded into an image made up by society.

You are saying yes to so much life. Literally and figuratively.

There will be times when you won’t fully believe it, but you are.

It’s all so much better than what you think, because ultimately you found yourself again.

Trust yourself, trust yourself, trust yourself.”

Tuesday, August 6th, 2019.

At the dollar store check out, I added some skittles to my three bright pink boxes of pregnancy tests, as if it made the situation more casual and not like internally I was freaking the hell out. Once I got home after a long day at work, I took all three tests to be 300 percent certain of the truth I already knew deep down. Surreal is the best description for that moment I saw two lines appear on a stick for the third time. Nausea and three positive tests. I nearly felt like I was in a movie, like when the main character has this really pivotal moment that she didn’t know was really happening but the entire audience knows this is the catalyst to everything truly unfolding for her ultimate glow up.

For the week following this pivotal moment there was an immense amount of reflections. Choices to be made, feelings to be figured out. There was an obvious choice that would seemingly make all of this overthinking ”easily” go away. The logical side of my brain had a very clear answer for what ‘“made sense”.

As much as I thought I was a modern and unconventional woman, there was still this lingering voice in my head that tried telling me that having a baby now was not at all a part of my life plan. I wasn’t married, I wasn’t in a committed relationship but rather rendezvousing for the summer with my ex-boyfriend of two years. I was also still living paycheck to paycheck from multiple jobs. On the outside and to society standards I wasn’t ready to be a mother, but I’ve always been sure of becoming a mother one day since I was a little kid.

Every fiber in my being felt sick at the thought of making a decision because of circumstances and logic and not with how I felt. Especially considering I was told in the past it would likely be difficult for me to have children because of certain medical reasons. At the end of the day, my circumstances with money can change and so can relationships. So I chose myself, my happiness, and the manifestation of love growing inside me despite the irrelevant fears of temporary circumstances.

To say that I had to do a major overhaul of my self concept is an understatement. I had these hidden judgments bubble up to the surface as I found myself falling into an undesired narrative, with labels that never fit but could be placed on me regardless: knocked up, having a baby out of wedlock etc… So, one of the most empowering things I did to shift this mindset was label myself as a solo mama as opposed to a single mother. This may seem silly, but this subtle shift gave me the power to define my new circumstances. It creates a pause, a second thought before making unnecessary (and sometimes hurtful) assumptions about one’s situation. I am a single mother, but rather than putting the emphasis on my relationship status, I put my focus on me actively choosing to be the mama I’ve always wanted to be.

Being a solo mama was one thing, being in denial about my broken heart from an impromptu break up with the biological father was another thing. The idea of co-parenting sounded nice, yet putting into practice was a whole other story. While pregnant and working four jobs, looking back at this time it was chaos I kept at bay in order to maintain peace in my body.

My baby boy was born on a Thursday, February 27th, 2020 about a month before his due date. I taught two yoga classes that morning and by 10:00pm on the dot I was holding my healthy son. I was in a bubble of love and being taken care of for two days, his dad was there, the grandparents, my big sister even flew in for the weekend to surprise us. It was so beautiful and a whirlwind to say the least. Once my son and I got home that Sunday, it all sunk in. It was me, my three day old baby, my dog, and my cat. I was still in a sleep deprived love bubble of breastfeeding, staring at this miracle bundle in-awe, and managed to keep the anxiety to a minimum when I’d have these constant urges to check his breathing every 10 minutes. I’ll never forget our first night, just us, my sweet and wholesome family. The next morning was a benchmark moment for having the ability to “do it all”, where I nursed my sleeping son, while simultaneously changing my postpartum bandages and putting on my mesh underwear. I was very capable of doing it all, but the sadness that crept in as I craved to be taken care of too. To be nourished as my baby nursed. To have visitors come over to not only offer to hold my baby while I showered, but rather for someone to do the load of laundry, or take my dog out for a walk. I really had to prioritize so differently and slow down more than I knew possible. I did have a mosh posh village over some time, neighbors that would bring me pizza and a nearby friend who would walk my dog and sometimes bring me a smoothie. For them I am forever grateful. These early days had their challenges (mainly me just being hungry all the time) but they were full of sweetness because I had my baby with me.

After a few too many unfortunate and disappointing experiences with co-parenting, for my own mental health and nervous system, I made another big choice. My son and I moved cross-country indefinitely. This literal time and space allowed me to fully flourish. There was strength in that decision, and for two years I went through the entire spectrum of emotions. But ultimately found who I was in this new skin as a mama. Recognizing how much I’m solely capable of and successfully raising my son in a conscious way. My mindset shift in who I wanted to be and pulled myself out of a victim mentality of “doing this alone” and rather I have the freedom to do this the way that feels good for us.

There was a time when every detail felt like puzzle pieces making up this whole story. And to an extent some of them are and will remain to be, while others carry past hurts and imagery that I frankly don’t want to replicate. There were times where my whole world felt like it was against me, there were times I was scared of my own decisions. There were times I felt so unloved. There were times I felt so damn confused. There were times I felt fear, intrusive thoughts creep in. There were times where I felt trapped and stuck.

There were times where I questioned my whole-self, wondering how much “easier” my life would be if I chose a different path. If the circumstances were slightly altered, what if, what if, what if.

These details were just the glue to a story I was holding onto, a story that can be honored but now let go, because I’m finally on the other side of the unknown.

And that’s just it, with how scary and heavy some seasons felt on this journey, there were also times where I felt liberated.

There were also times where I felt a deeper joy than I’ve ever experienced before. Feelings of deep gratitude for the love that swirled around me and inside of me.

If I could measure the moments in their polarity, I can’t say for certain which moments technically outweighed the others. I do know that I made an internal pact to allow myself to fully experience each moment to its fullest capacity. A pact to break past egoic and societal “ideals” of bringing a beautiful life into this realm. A beautiful life that is of my son’s and also my own.

From the very beginning and onward, I was saying yes to my deepest desires, despite the way it all “looked”. I said yes to myself, trusting myself, and ultimately saying yes to unconditional love. So If I could also add to the letter for my past self:

“ What if I told you that as you’re writing this, your healthy and happy boy is giggling snuggled up beside you. His laughter and smile cures everything.

So get ready to saying yes with your whole heart. Get ready to witness yourself in so many profound ways. Seeing what it feels like to really show up for yourself and your family. Recognizing your brilliance and ability to not only survive your circumstances but to thrive and inspire those around you the more you allow yourself to trust and shine.

There is more love and expansion than you could ever imagine. And the most profound part now is, you finally believe in yourself. You trust yourself more than any other person.

Your son was the catalyst to this realization but you are the limitless being that fully surrendered to coming home to yourself.”