Can You Relate?(HeartBreak).

The weather is perfect; the view I'm having on top of the Eiffel Tower seems dull compared to the woman in front of me. She's the one actually breath-taking. The possibility of deeper love and romance is more vast than this view I'm looking at. "Stand up, I have to tell you something." I stand up from our dinner table, I follow her to the edge. I look her with so much hope and expectancy for deeper love. Her next words will only expose what we've been feeling for each other.

I feel the softest push on my chest. The free fall is fast, I look at her the whole time descending."You'll save me from this, this fall is too steep and scary, don't allow me to hit the pavement down there." Both my hands are reaching, waiting to be grabbed on to. For one whole month, I was falling. My heart was waiting for my hands, its hands, to be grabbed on to. There's still time before I hit the pavement. The concrete is too far down, there's still time to grab me.

Instead of falling, hitting the ground, recovering, then getting back up, I instead landed in the deepest coldest ocean imaginable. Not just on the surface level but deep within the ocean. Luckily, there is an oxygen mask I can use. My religiosity. However, I can't swim. I can just only breathe. Fortunately, my mind accepts the reality of the fall and the reasons behind it.Unfortunately, my heart keeps my spirit down there. My life and all its activities are now on autopilot. The present is still. Breathing down here feels different. It's heavier, it's manually done, it's a choice to keep doing so. It's not that I don't want to swim back up, I just don't know how. The best option is then to sit in this dark, freezing ocean, and breathe.

The only thing was not just the deep freezing ocean that my heart was immersed in but now there is this internal dialogue that must be settled. The mind vs heart. The mind speaks softly. The heart is screaming for me to keep fighting for her, regardless of the reasons that make it impossible to do so. Regardless of the fundamental differences, the heart screams at me. The heart does not care. The heart is too relentless for the possibility of deeper love and romance. It tells me while I sit there in the dark, freezing, "remember every single shared moment with her, remember every single words of affection shared between you two, remember her face, remember EVERYTHING, you want to lose all of that? GO BACK TO HER!" My mind silently whispers to me "no."

Now, this war between my mind and body doesn't seem to cease. I feel like a third person between the two. My heart is hopeful. The only way out of this deep freezing ocean is if she herself grabs me and pulls me out. My mind wants to move on.The only way out for the mind is to swim. The brutal reality of swimming in this freezing ocean to the top while my heart doesn't want to move. Who do I listen to ? Perhaps, the one choosing is the spirit within me. Is my future saying a soft hello to me. What exactly is making me choose between the possibility of love again or the reality of the unknown future?

If you want to read how I swam to the top. Supporting in anyway helps tremendously.

*It's still slightly difficult to express what it feels like. So, this is a concise expression of it. The next read will provide more expressions of this heartbreak and how I swam up.