Can a Ruined Past Lead to a Public Future?

I don't know what to do with myself. I've been a failure my whole life.

The Early Years

Mom and Dad divorced when I was an infant. I used to hear my dad beat her up. I had behavior issues all throughout school. I slapped my female kindergarten teacher. I switched schools and was bullied in elementary school, and got called "lil Bill." I was routinely raped by foster kids who lived with a babysitter, both a male and a female. The male would whip out his dick and make me stroke it. The female would sodomize me.

In middle school, I was the class clown. Always getting in trouble. Made fun of for making dumb songs and my behavior. Almost got kicked out. Some teachers called me dumb and said I wouldn't be anything. I grabbed two girls' butts after I was dared to, and now I regret being a monster and traumatizing them. I'm a dumb loser.

High School

In high school, I started cutting myself and doing drugs. First Adderall and Xanax, then LSD and weed. I attempted suicide in 10th and 11th grade and got bullied and made fun of for it. I was always under the influence in school and exposed myself 2–3 times. I'm a failure. I've traumatized and hurt so many people. I also bullied other people in high school, and I am deeply ashamed of myself.

The Spiral

My mental state got worse during COVID in my junior year. I had manic episodes thinking everyone was out to get me, and lashed out at my friends. I was hospitalized in a psych ward. When I got out, rumors spread about me on top of everything else I'd already done.

A year after graduating, someone sent an email to the whole school corporation with my name in it, about a "penis competition." I went to college in the same town—dumb move. No one sat by me. More rumors spread. I transferred after one year to a different state and was called racial slurs and bullied even more. I deleted all my social media and haven't been back on in about four years.

The Present

I'm 23. I just learned I have autism. Prior to that, I was diagnosed with CPTSD, manic depressive disorder, bipolar, and GAD. I have no hope for a career because all my skills and talents would require me to show my face and I'm terrified that I'll just build something and end up getting exposed for my past.

Today, I spend all day in bed reminiscing about the people I've hurt and the disgrace I am to my family.

Should I Pursue a Public Career?

That's the question you're asking. And I'm going to answer it honestly.

Yes, but not yet. Not now. Not until you've done the work to become a version of yourself you can be proud of.

Here's the thing: your past is real. It's painful. It's full of things you regret. But it's not the whole story. You were a child who was abused, traumatized, and failed by the people who were supposed to protect you. You acted out because you were hurting. That doesn't excuse everything you did, but it explains a lot of it.

The Work You Need to Do

1. Heal. You've been through a lot. You need real, consistent, trauma-informed therapy. You need to process what happened to you and what you did to others.

2. Take responsibility. You've already started doing this. You're admitting what you did wrong. Keep doing that. Apologize where you can, make amends where possible, and accept that some people may never forgive you.

3. Build a foundation. Before you go public, build a private career. Develop skills. Create something meaningful. Prove to yourself that you can succeed without needing to be in the spotlight.

4. Test the waters. Start small. Post under a pseudonym. Build an anonymous portfolio. See how it feels to create without the pressure of being recognized.

What a Public Career Would Mean

If you eventually go public, people will find out about your past. That's almost certain. Social media is not forgiving, and cancel culture is real. But here's the thing: you're not the same person you were at 15 or 18 or even 20. You've grown. You've learned. You've changed.

And if you've done the work, if you've healed, if you've taken responsibility and made amends, you can tell your story on your own terms. You can say, "I did terrible things. I was a hurt kid who hurt others. I'm not that person anymore. Here's what I've done to change."

I'm not going to lie to you. Your journey will be harder than most. You've made mistakes that will follow you. You've hurt people who may never forgive you. But you also have something valuable: the opportunity to become someone new.

You are not your worst mistake. You are not the rumors that were spread about you. You are not the labels that were placed on you by teachers who didn't believe in you. You are a person who has survived unimaginable pain and is still standing.

Don't give up on yourself. Don't let the past define your future. If you want a public career, work toward it but work toward healing first. Because the version of you that deserves to be seen is the one that has faced the darkness and chosen to step into the light.