as my teenage years come to an end

A playlist I made a year and a half ago reflecting on past heartbreaks. Updating it this year for the challenge.

Romeo and Juliet-The Killers

I stuck the lyrics "you can fall for chains of silver, you can fall for chains of gold/You can fall for pretty strangers and the promises they hold" on my wall with single letter stickers when I was fourteen, thinking I was so ahead of myself and I would never ‘fall in love’ for the wrong reasons, that somehow, because of this magical song, I was immune to lies and heartbreak. It was the winter before my I had my first boyfriend. We broke up after a year and a half.

Four years and many heartbreaks later, I stuck the same lyrics on my art project.

Less and Less-Matt Maltese

Youtube recommended me the song “Less and Less” by Matt Maltese the day after I broke up with someone. I had been nauseous all day and I couldn’t eat, but, listening to the song over and over again, I, “settled in a simple sense”, because there was nothing I could do about it. They liked somebody else now. I had to move on. By the end of the day I was able to eat. Update: It's been three years since we broke up, and now we're friends again.

Saw you in a Dream-The Japanese House

It’s been a year since we broke up and I still miss him, I turned 17 and you didn’t wish me a happy birthday; there's no way you forgot. Update: You turned 22 this year and I haven't wished you a happy birthday in years. “I saw you in a dream, you came to me, it was the sweetest apparition, such a pretty vision”. Every time I look out a window I imagine you’re there, close enough for me to see your face, but far enough so that you can’t tell me you don’t love me anymore. But really, all I want is for you to tell me everything will be fine.

Old Flame-Arcade Fire

The first five seconds of the first song in the first album by Arcade Fire were enough that August night to get me crying. I was going to give you the cd but we split up before I had the chance to, so I opened it, tore the plastic wrap, and pressed play. “You knew in five minutes, but I knew in a sentence/so, why do we go through all of this again?”. You text me a week later to say you’re sorry, and I am so quick to forgive you. You’re lovely for a week or two more and then you start ignoring me again. Update: I haven't talked to you since the second time we broke up but I have gotten updates. Something about you remembering me nicely...I remember you like the worst heartbreak I've ever had.

Time-The Alan Parsons Project

The other day my mom opened the bathroom door and said “I remember when _______ fixed it”, to be honest, I had completely forgotten, I don’t even remember the door being faulty, and I don’t remember how you fixed it. Just as quick as she opened it I missed you again. I thought that phase was over, but I don’t know if it ever will be. Every time I look through the things you left me I end up sobbing on my bed, even if it has been years now. Update: last time I went through your things I didn't end up sobbing. I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again, if I’ll ever be able to apologize and tell you how much I missed you for so long, if I’ll ever meet your kids, “who knows when we shall meet again, but time keeps flowing, live a river”. There is a deeply maddening impossibility to forever that I always fail to realize, which makes endings so hard for me. It’s like every person I’ve been still exists and is floating in a river, a part of me is still fourteen, fifteen and in love with you, a part if me is still sixteen and trying to leave you, and a part of me is still seventeen and missing you.

Superposition-Young the Giant

I don’t even know how many times I put “Superposition” on my story hoping you’d listen to it and get the message, “I want you to want me”. April, May, June, July, August...

I visited my family in Guatemala in May and we were playing karaoke and I sang that song; it was so embarassing. I just wanted you to want me. Update: You've become one of my closest friends and I'm revolted at the thought of being anything more than friends.

Bags-Clairo

“Can’t you see me using everything to hold back?”, every time we hang out, it’s like there’s a time bomb inside my chest, but I never get the chance to let it all out because from the moment I sit in your car to the moment we say goodbye we don’t stop talking. Update: I learned from my mistakes. I always make the first move now.

Don’t Delete the Kisses-Wolf Alice

I’ve grown less confident in myself, and now I have trouble texting people. I end up ignoring everyone I’m interested in for hours, thinking about how to answer them without making them dislike me. Then I meet you, and it’s like I don’t even have to think. Talking to you is so effortless I don’t even notice we are, until a couple weeks later we’re sitting alone in my bedroom and I suddenly want to kiss you. I try to ignore it, I tell myself it will pass, that I can’t let myself date you. After three months of talking to you, I finally admit to myself that I like you and that, even though I don’t think I deserve you, I do deserve a chance at the Romeo and Juliet type of love I stuck on my wall years ago. Update: I don't think I ever loved you. I stopped liking you like, two months later. I don't know what I was projecting when I wrote this.

As my teenage years are starting to come to an end, so is the ‘heartbreak’ part of my life (at least I hope, dammit). Obviously, heartbreak is inevitable, but I’ve learned enough lessons to hold myself back and also let myself go. I can turn the page, close the box, or whatever this mess was, and move on to whatever follows next. Update: I have, indeed, been heartbroken many a times since I wrote this; foolish of me to have written this. But, alas, that is what being a teenager is all about.