April

April 10 2026

5:45 am

I attempt to watch “J.Ai.Tue.Ma.Mere,” directed by young auteur Xavier Dolan, but for some reason the subtitle file has a lingering delay that only increases and decreases as the film goes on. I take it as a sign that I shouldn’t watch it now. Given the death of my own mother, the title has always worried me. A wonder that only occurred after not before. I saw another of the directors films – spirited and youthful reflections of modern life with a mix of meladroma and the absurd, a combination I’m find of; so I still look forward to seeing the film even with my reservations.

I instead choose to watch “The Wayward Cloud” a Taiwanese film from 2005. My hesitations continue.

April 11th 2026

About a month ago this man who looks like the splitting image of David Cross appeared out of nowhere while I was sitting outside a local library. People rarely interrupt my solitude with friendliness and it was welcome. He had this adorable dog, who seemed immediately comfortable with me and we talked for hours before I left to charge my laptop. I saw him again his morning outside a bus station, but the glare of another dreadful morning (an ongoing private complaint I’ve had for a few years, because of the whole homeless/jobless and the world around me seeming to descend into some form of hell) prevented me enjoying him as much, but again he friendly-ly started another conversation. Unlike the last time, where my horomones questioned if it was romantic or not, this time I realized I’m simply happy to find another person who doesn’t seem full of shit to shoot the shit with. His dog was missing this time, apparently she was impounded after running away from him a few nights before. I hope they’re re-united. ((another reason for my irritation with existing…I’m still thinking like this as a middle-aged bitch…oh the joys of being unemployed, homeless, childless, dickless with nothing else to occupy my time))

April 14th 2026

“Send Help,” the bloody 2026 survivor comedy from Sam Rami (“Evil Dead,” and Drag Me to Hell”) is a centerpiece for actress Rachel McAdams, who plays the much maligned and underappreciated corporate administrative help Linda Liddle for stereotypical frat boy and nepo-baby company president Bradley Preston (played fervently by Dylan Obrien). After being stranded on an island following a plane crash, the duo’s roles are swapped with Linda’s expert wild life survivor interest ( a fan of CBS’s long running “Survivor” no less) as they attempt to survive on a deserted island near Thailand. Like “Young Adult,” “Black Swan,” of the 20-teens, the film plays as a mirror to the “modern woman” struggling at odds with the still deeply misogynist present. In uncapable hands the film’s clever script could’ve easily been a tonally deaf piece of hogwash, however with Rami it is suspenseful, funny, charming…and deeply unnerving.

April 15th 2026

“Law of Desire,” the landmark 1980s drama from auteur Pedro Almodovar remains a relevant and hilarious ode to the soap soaked melodramas of his predecessors ( imagine if “Gentleman Prefer Blondes,” or “Written in the Wind” had gay and transgender characters) featuring standout performances from Almodovar major players Antonio Banderas, Carmen Maura, Rosa De La Palma and a cameo from Veronica Abril.

April 20th 2026

I’ve been court ordered to go to AA and took my second online session today. My favorite of the online seminars I’ve taken so far take place early at 6am. Unfortunately, the shoddy internet connection to a nearby pizza parlor prevented me from hearing the session properly. I spent the rest of the day drinking vodka and listening to music. This mode of finding bliss in hell, has become irritating, but has been one of my few sources of solace unfortunately. My attempts to find a proper rehab have fallen through repeatedly, but I’ll take that as note from the universe to seek outpatient resources…especially considering I was thrown out of one for taking a shower at 3am following a cathartic shit. (in their defense, I yelled “leave me alone, I’m taking a fucking shower,” which surely disturbed the other resting patients). Oh well. It’s also 420.

April 21st 2026

My favorite film of Chantal Akerman is her masterpiece “Jeanne Dieleman…” Perhaps the only film in history to make the most menial of daily tasks as enthralling and exciting as a blockbuster car chase; including the preparation of meat loaf from start to finish. She utilizes the same meticulous gaze in her documentary “News from Home.” The 1976 film, is both a portrait of New York City and a love letter to the city itself and her lovesick mother. Ending before reaching 90 minutes, with a gloomy skyline shot of downtown NYC, I was heartbroken when it cut to black.