An Unforgettable Choice.

In life, we all make choices: some good, some bad, some hard, some easy, and others completely unforgettable. I can tell you that I was never good at making decisions, even the smallest choice led to long nights and uneasy feelings; you know, the kind you get when you start to lose your breath and sweat beads so graciously appear on your forehead. . . yes, that was it. When I was young, I was told "every choice you make is one that makes you" and I could never wrap my head around the depth of that quote, that was until the day one choice had consumed me forever.

I try so hard to forget that day, to forget the pain and the damage it caused. The hardest part about this particular choice is that it really only affected me, even those around me couldn't see the mark it left. . . or maybe they just didn't want to, it was easier to forget I suppose. Either way, I was left with the choice I made and I was left with the outcome, and that alone was enough to haunt me.

When I tell you about this choice, I want you to understand. No, I take that back, I just want you to listen because nobody ever has. I made the mistake of believing this was "not a big deal", that I would never "regret it", but it is and I do. Did you know that you are supposed to be the one with control over your life? But, tell me, why is it that I feel like I never do? Why do I put others happiness over mine and better yet, why do they never put mine before theirs? This choice is one that has left so many feel unheard and unforgiven, this choice causes so many conflicts, when it should really be highlighting courage. So, I will tell you my choice now and I will be fully prepared to fear what you think, but humbled to give strength to those like me.

Abortion. One word, that hits deeper than any other word I have come to know in the English language. Hell, my mother had cancer and not many even winced at the sound of that. I am not here to argue politics, I am not here to tell you your beliefs are wrong and mine are right. I will say, do not determine right and wrong, because in this case there are none. I have held my story in for a while and I know that is what has made me numb to myself. I have hid from my choice for so long and frankly, I did not want to be one of those people. . . the kind who are talked about behind closed doors, that are shamed for making a life-changing decision, and blamed for the death of an innocent life. Trust me, nobody actually wants to make this choice and if you have never experienced it (like anything), how would you even begin to know, to understand what it is like? The thing is, this choice is made because nobody wants to talk about it, nobody wants to deal with the outcomes (whatever that may be), and nobody wants to come to terms with the fear that is placed upon those deciding. For me, it was never about what I wanted, or what I felt or even what I believed. What I learned is that I should have listened to myself, I should of had faith that I would make the right choice.

When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, I truly could not believe it. I stared, blankly into the white walls that surrounded me. I was supposed to be excited, but why wasn't I? I was supposed to be happy, yet I cried tears of disbelief. I knew from the moment I saw the test that I could never judge anyone else, that I could never completely put myself in their shoes because after all, our stories are all different. Simply put, I wanted someone else to have the responsibility that I had, I wanted them to choose. Little did I know that they would never have to face the consequences of that choice. To this day, I dream about what could have been. There are times when my darkness completely dims my light and shadows of that moment terrorize me.

You would be happy to know that I currently have a 9-month old daughter. You see, after the rain, the sun is always there to shine. Just a few short months after my first loss, I gained a ray of light. I always say, "what is meant to be, will be and it will find it's way no matter what." Some choices are difficult for the decider to understand, but more so, some outcomes are even crazier to live through. Don't get me wrong, I think about my first baby every day, I think "what if." Then I see the little girl that changed my world and I feel hopeful again, I feel almost at peace with my choice. I want you to know I could never live through that emotional and physical pain again, but when I look at life today I know during that time, I was meant to. I can think about the "what-ifs", I can feel ashamed, but when I look at my little girl, I have to come to terms with where the decision led me and I have to know that somewhere out there, this was all a part of the plan for my life.

I made a choice to share this story, I needed to, I wanted to. We all have choices, don't let the world make them for you.