Adapt or Die

I couldn't wait to be a teenager, until scrapes,cuts and bruises were no longer from my friends accidentally pushing me on the playground but now from myself. Tummy aches were no longer from catching the stomach bug but from now the harsh bitter taste of alcohol. Hugs and kisses were not gross anymore but they were now mandatory. My body was not invisible, it became the first thing people judged me off of. And those pills, I guess were still used to take the pain away. As I crumbled to the pieces of my youth slipping away through my tired fingers, I realized I was not meant for today's society. I have turned into the person I used to make fun of, someone who I would see at a restaurant and make a mental note on what I don't want to grow up to be. My morals were so strong but broke so easily. And for what, the acceptance of people I will never see after highschool? These people that I call my friend have mastered manipulation in a way that even I fell for. All I ever wanted was to be in “that” friend group but I read the people wrong, but can I blame myself salt and sugar look the same and are completely different. Ever since I was little I wanted to be a superhero, so the closest thing to that is a doctor. Someone who spends their life saving people from the inevitable, death. When I told my friends about my future they told me I was an idiot and brushed me off their shoulder. The pain I felt was something I have never felt before. My heart felt like it was on fire and then burnt into crisps. My friends have never even considered their future, probably because they don't know if they will make it past twenty with all the smoke in their lungs. I became viewed as trashy because of the people I spent my time with but still wasn't I popular? I knew I didn't fit in but I could not take the risk to detach myself because I could not handle the loneliness I would feel. With all these people around me all the time, how does loneliness still exist with all the souls in the world? When I find a room at a party and can finally put my drink down the tsunami of sadness drowns me. This sadness that they say can be beautiful, what sadness is this? Because my sadness rips me apart from the inside and there isn't anything beautiful about it. I had always wanted my life to be like a romantic movie and I got what I wanted, except I wasn't careful with what I wished for and I ended up being the girl in the love triangle that gets forgotten about. It is like I am a side character in everyone else's life and I can't grab the wheel of my own. I have spent my whole life convincing myself I was a chapter worth following, and then these people came along and don't want to read the ending and now my whole story has fallen apart. My emotions are loose yet again, I'm yelling and I have no idea why. Please, someone save me because I no longer know who I am. I don't know why it bothers me so much when I am not accepted by the people around me because I do not accept them. Sometimes I wish people didn't have opinions. I wish their brains were empty, and their skulls were thin. I wish they didn't know right from wrong, and never thought about my mistakes again. I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of nausea, just because someone thinks low of me. Empty brains seem like the only way I'll ever be free. I look at the world differently than you, and not because I'm a free soul but because I'm a trapped one. It is like the person I want to be is too far to touch as I look at myself in the mirror right in front of me. I keep on telling myself I don't fit in with these people but secretly I think I have become one of them. So Adapt or die. As many times as we've heard it, the lesson doesn't get any easier. Problem is, we're human. We want more than just to survive. We want success. We want to be the best we can be so we fight like hell to get those things. Anything else feels like death.