A Year To Rest Myself And That Is My Success

“Sleep, those little slices of death — how I loathe them.” ― Edgar Allan Poe

I had a love-hate relationship with sleep.

Today at 30 years of age, in yet another year of uncertainty I have embraced the fact that I need sleep - a lot of than I think I need.

But the journey I took to reach here wasn't the easiest.

The 1998 resolutions- Be brave and sleep days

In my childhood, I feared sleep.

The moment I closed my eyes, I knew there was no running away from the nightmares. I grew up in a house where nightmares were never taken seriously. I used to cry to my mom that the ghost would kill me. She tried tough love.

Don’t be scared and be brave is the last thing you should be telling your girl shivering at the idea of sleep, mom!

I did find a solution.

I learnt to tell my prayers when I encountered the ghost or standing up to it. I admired the brave person I was in my dreams. The never say die exorcist (pun intended). The 8-year-old me did conquer my nightmares to an extent. Like they say, anything takes practice.

The 2007 resolutions - Don’t sleep If I want to Win Days

When I turned 14, board exams preparations started. Like any student in my age, the first sacrifice was sleep.

We were made to believe by (few) seniors that less sleep meant more time to study. So my alarm was set to 3 am and I slept at 11 pm.

The only person who opposed this was my grandma who was angry at my loss of sleep.

Why don't do study consistently every day, so that you sleep and wake up normally for your exams?

She would ask. I would ignore the truth in her sentence with a shrug.

There were few quotes that kept me going, which by the way sounds absurd now to think the way I interpreted them (no offense to these great men):

There will be plenty of time to sleep once you are dead.”— Benjamin Franklin

Dream is not the thing you see in sleep but is that thing that doesn't let you sleep.”― A.P.J. Abdul Kalam

I learnt to associate sleep with laziness and loser attitude.

I adored people who could pull an all-nighter and made sure to brag about it before we enter the exam hall. It was almost like sleeping less was a bonus point the examiner was secretly marking along with what I had written in the paper. I continued the same trend in college.

The moment semester exams come, I set my alarm to 3 am.

Even if I had completed the syllabus. Not waking up early made me feel half-prepared for the exams. I ended my college with a gold medal.

And that's how I confirmed that less sleep meant more success.

The 2018 resolutions - I just need sleep So that I can Work Days

Life took an unexpected turn in the ending of 2017.

Something that would change my life and damage my relationship with sleep among many other things.

My mom was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.

She could see a supernatural presence in our home and was troubled my it. My sister and I would spend months listening to her detailed description of the ghosts, the sounds. We knew it was her reality now and she needs our ear as much as she needs our support.

To see the strongest person in our life, lose the glow in her face, lose her sleep to visions only she could see broke us. The scars remain even today.

What I would give in the world for my mother to get some sleep and for me and my sister to get a good two hours of rest without having to wake up in the middle of night and see the images projected by our brains.

I feared sleep more than ever.

But I also needed it to wake up next day and type two lines of code in my Software Engineer job.

Hearing our mom’s sufferings (we were at different cities) and complying with her request to perform offerings to God to ward off “ghosts” was life’s joke at the nightmares I had at childhood. I never knew I would feel what nightmare at daylight feels like and I did.

Back at the Paying Guest I was staying, I requested my roommates to sleep in their rooms. They understood my plight and I used to walk in with my pillow and bedsheets at 12 and slept like a baby till 6 am. Those few hours of sleep were precious. I used to wish I could store the rest I got in a bank and transfer it to my mother.

It was frightening when I had to sleep alone in my room when my roommates were away and I learnt to sleep with lights on.

Sleeping with lights on impacted my sleep so much but the fear for my life got the better of me,

The end of 2019, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

And I swore never to believe in ghosts or nightmares.

I was done.

The 2022 resolutions - The 8 Hours of Sleep For me Year

Mom has recovered now and I am walking the path to recovery.

I have come a full circle today.

I need sleep to fuel my health. No compromise in that. Everything else can wait.

I need my sleep to think clearly. Heck, I need 8 hours of sleep today so that I can go to bed at 10 30 pm peacefully the next day.

Sleep is the glue that is holding my goals, my fitness, my ability to make healthy food choices and to handle my critical thinking tasks at my job.

Sleep is a necessity and I request anyone who associate hustling with less sleep to consider it. You need a well-rested body to hustle, to think. Don't compromise on that.

I need to be well-rested to love my dear ones with all my heart. I need a good sleep as I take baby steps in my recovery from depression and anxiety.

Sleep matters, it's the foundation to living my life!