A mom too

Dear mom,

I’ve been contemplating… for some time now actually. As a matter of fact, for the last almost 5 years now. I’ve been contemplating on something I feel as though I should’ve been able to tell you, and no one else really. Or you be the first person to know honestly….

This is a bit heavy. Till this day for me really. So, I ask that you bear with me, and hear me out.

I was almost a mom too.

Surprised? It’s a scary thought really. Especially since I know our family's history and yours as well. But be that as it may, I still couldn’t find the words to say. I don’t think I'll really have the nerve to look you in your face and tell you. Nope. But putting it into words, this way, is most definitely easier.

I was 18. It was just a little ways before I actually graduated high school. It was around the time that I got to leave school early and sign out for good because I already finished all of my classes.

We weren’t on the best of terms at the time I found out. Especially because I just told you guys I didn’t want to go to college anymore. Bad timing, truly. I was beyond excited but it was also nerve racking. I mean I was only 18, and I had to come up with a new life plan seeing as I wasn’t going to school like you guys wanted me to. I honestly wasn’t ready for either. School and a child were two things that terrified me most at that point in my life. Nonetheless I was still excited.

Many people knew before you did. I told the guy who was going to be the dad, and my best friend at the time as well because I really needed someone. Boy did I really need someone. Other than the fact that we weren’t necessarily on good terms, I was also young and didn’t really know how you were going to take it. I mean I haven’t even had my first job at that point. The thought that you would understand was honestly the first thought I had. I mean you were a young parent yourself when you had me. So, if anyone, I felt like you would've been the first person I came to. But nope. I just couldn’t bring myself too…but it didn’t matter anymore after a while. At least that’s what I thought at that moment.

It was 2 months…

2 months when I found out I would no longer be a mom. Devastation. Most definitely the word used to describe the state I was in. I was almost 3 months. Right around the corner… If I’m being quite honest my hopes were high and low at the same time. Why? Well…

Do you remember that time I just randomly asked you; because of your situation is it possible that I can experience something like that? And you said yeah. You didn't think anything of it. No further questions. That was my way of indirectly communicating my concerns. You wouldn’t have known, obviously. No one would’ve. I am definitely good at keeping to myself and being discreet. However, I was still scared nonetheless and wanted to tell you then more than ever. I mean I already had issues with my body from the aftermath of birth control, a whole ‘nother concern in itself. This though, this was different.

But it was too late. Too late to express any kind of concerns or excitement. Again, that’s what I was thinking in those moments. I started sinking into a depression that you didn’t even see. I also tried to stay away from home then as well. I mean it wasn’t like I needed you to go to doctor appointments anymore. We also weren’t on good terms, and I was scared…hurt. Unsure of how to handle a situation like this at 18. A situation I never thought could happen. Never could have imagined.

You should’ve been the first person I went to, but you weren’t. Till this day I imagine things happening differently. And every mother’s day my heart sinks a little because that was around the time I found out.

I never thought I’d share that with you. A confession, an experience, a secret I thought I’d keep between myself and my few friends.

Nevertheless, I feel better about it now.

Mom, I was almost a mom too.

Maybe someday in the future, I’ll get to be a mom and when that time comes, this time you’ll be the first person I go too.

Sincerely,

Your eldest daughter