A Letter to E.

Dear E.,

When I met you we were just dumb teens.

We became friends when I was only fifteen.

I thought you were annoying, but I liked you.

Definitely not the type of person I was into.

I remember you being disgusted by bugs.

& at times, even allergic to my random hugs.

You made me laugh often, a constant smile.

I hadn’t heard my laughter in quite a while.

I don’t think I ever knew what grade you were in.

I recall your dark hair, dark eyes, and fair skin.

You were older than me, that much I knew.

Maybe a year, or two, or even a few.

You were so mysterious.

Intelligent, mature. Never imperious.

You didn’t show your intelligence all the time though.

Even so, I enjoyed it when we spoke.

About how you lost your virginity.

Every detail with precise clarity.

Great story!

But the irony…

You got me curious.

You made me furious.

You used to compliment my breasts.

I was not always so confident about my chest.

You allowed me to feel confident about my own body.

For such a long time, I felt like I was a nobody.

I know you were just a dumb teen.

Hormones unraveling, shaken by your genes.

But you never disrespected me.

You were always as kind as you could be.

Even so, like I said, you got under my skin.

Criticizing my habits with that snarky grin.

I remember you checking my drink to see if I backwashed.

So annoying. I didn’t do anything, just sat there and watched.

We played basketball, ran the track, and played tennis together.

We were fond of being outside, except in the rainy weather.

I was slightly embarrassed one day.

Happy to see you worried, asking me if I was okay.

When the volleyball you threw back at me hit my face.

You probably don’t remember the way I recall your warm embrace.

High school in a different state was awesome, but lonely.

That’s why when I met you, I held you so closely.

My dark teenage era.

Black nails, but no eyeliner or mascara.

I was not happy with myself then. In the 10th grade.

Puberty hit hard. Not as graceful as others displayed.

I liked two boys then. One after the other.

Denied by one & the other didn’t even bother.

I didn’t seem to catch anyone’s attention.

& little did I know that I was dying for affection.

That country life wasn’t kind to me. Not at first.

I was under the assumption that I was cursed.

But then I met you, & everything felt alright.

In the shadow of my own darkness, you were my light.

Then summer came & back home I went.

It was definitely a good time spent.

Then I came back, but life was cruel.

& I immediately had to prepare to go back to school.

I saw you for a bit the first day & then I didn’t see you again.

It sucked because I didn’t even have your number back then.

You disappeared for the rest of the year.

I looked around for you, in hopes you’ll reappear.

I had no other choice but to focus on my studies.

I got good grades and made new buddies.

Exams, snowy days, spirit week, then celebrations.

Everything grander than all my expectations.

I was flourishing. Developing into my own little person.

Things had gotten good before they had worsened.

After winter break, my closest friend had her baby.

I was companionless, so I distracted myself with History.

I started taking photos & started going out.

I had absolutely no time to build self-doubt.

I started to experiment with my sexuality.

& I started understanding my own body.

I pulled out my skirts, shorts, and converse.

I enjoyed my many weekends at random concerts.

I was sixteen then.

And then it was spring again.

Focusing on my next steps, making sure nothing went wrong.

I didn’t even realize you had been watching me all along.

“Savannah!” one of my bus buddies said one day.

Surprised to see you, I blanked out & didn’t know what to say.

“Come sit down with us,” you said. Inviting me.

And so we sat in the courtyard, under a tall blooming Magnolia tree.

After that day, you waited for me.

You asked me for my number, and I agreed.

To sit with you and my friend every B day.

I did, mostly because I didn’t want you to get away.

With all the basketball games & the pep rally,

I couldn’t help but feel like I was a part of a movie.

With Junior year coming to a draw, yearbooks finally dropped.

This story had a minor flaw, and I wanted it to stop.

The last few days of my junior year seemed a little hazy.

But I recall the day before our last day of school, you did something crazy.

“You always smell good,” you said.

And then you grabbed me and kissed my head.

“Hey Savannah, we gotta go!” Our mutual friend screamed.

It was time to board the bus, but it all felt like a dream.

I hugged you & then left. I was actually very impressed.

Working hard not to let my feelings burst from all the time they were suppressed.

I only had the chance to look back once. It was worth it.

You stood there smiling at me, & into the bus I went.

The following day, just before hopping on the bus, I managed to sneak in a kiss.

Tipping toeing as high as I could, enjoying the little moment of bliss.

& then you asked me out.

Oh, how I wanted to jump up & shout!

Because at that moment, I was the happiest teenage girl.

You kissed me again. I was so nervous I thought I would hurl.

I felt someone around for quite some time, watching me from a distance.

But I never thought it was you. I thought you had forgotten about my existence.

You knew of my situation. Our love was forbidden.

And for quite some time, we had to keep it hidden.

You taught me things about my body I never knew.

How to handle certain situations and what to do.

& for that I thank you. You allowed me to be a rebel.

You came over, but no boys were allowed in my room. I’d be in trouble.

So we hung out in the basement. Watching TV. Kissing. Clowning around.

We’d play games and tease each other without a sound.

My 17th birthday was so special. You took me out on a date for the very first time.

Because you were such a gentleman, you made sure I didn’t have to spend a dime.

It was then that I started realizing that you were not a boy anymore.

I couldn’t help but find you even more attractive than I did before.

You were a man. Mature. Attractive. Wonderful.

But I knew very well that I had to be careful.

In preparation for my senior year, I began embracing my femininity.

I had a senior photo session. I felt amazing. Confidence oozed out of me.

The first few weeks of senior year went by smoothly.

Then things took a turn for the worst, and I just wanted to flee.

We broke up due to family complications, but we stayed in touch.

Curiosity became a big part of my seniority, & our attraction was too much.

We ended up together again. Yes, secretly…

I snuck you into the house, very frequently.

We were tempted, but you respected my limitations.

But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t help with my temptations.

I snuck away a few times to go out for a walk.

Mostly because I knew you were around, and I wanted to talk.

You freed me. You unshackled me.

And then eventually, you took my virginity.

Thank you for being patient with me.

& thank you for being as gentle as you could be.

I layed on your bed, taking it.

Embracing it, enjoying it.

I felt different. Not bad, just more open.

My innocence taken. You made me a woman.

It was truly breathtaking.

I was a rebel in the making.

I wanted more.

& so we did. Just once more.

My guardians found out about us, & soon enough, I was gone.

Sent away without a second thought. The day after, at the break of dawn.

I didn’t even get to say good-bye. For days on, I thought about you.

I cried on the plane, and wondered if you thought about me too.

& soon I was the new girl yet again.

I had to figure things out on my own back then.

I had a dream about you. That you were dating.

I knew exactly who it was. I never expected that you’d be waiting.

We spoke on the phone less & less as time progressed.

& each time you told me something new, you confessed.

You cheated on me. & then it finally clicked.

I just listened, trying to avoid conflict.

The second time we did it, blood stained your sheets.

I remembered what you said like if it was on repeat.

“I stained your sheets. What will your mom say?” I asked.

“I’ll just tell her I was popping cherries.” And then you laughed.

At first I laughed, too. I was flattered.

Not realizing that in the near future, I’d be shattered.

But when you confessed, I had no choice but to accept.

It was the past, and we were done. There was nothing else to be kept.

I thought about how I was a damn fool.

I got screwed like a useless tool.

I watched you & my friends from a distance.

Each of us growing, experiencing, & living life without resistance.

After some time we talked again. More news on your end.

Your sexual encounters. Was that a new trend?

Though after some time we parted ways, I still thought about you.

I wanted to let you know that I was no longer that teenage girl you once knew.

I want you to know that I love you. Even though time has passed since we fell apart.

You have always & will always have a special place in my heart.

While I never got the chance to fall in love with you--

I want you to know that I cherished you. & I still do.

You shared songs with me when we were together that made my days feel okay.

You helped me sneak away to be free instead of hiding away.

You helped shape the woman that I am today.

You allowed me to find my strength in the weakness of my old ways.

I loved you then as my boyfriend. My teacher. My friend.

I love you now as my ex. My teacher. My friend.

E, I know you know who you are.

This letter is dedicated to you, wherever you are.

And if you ever read this, I just want to know that I'm thankful for you.

I couldn’t have survived high school without you.

Yours truly,

Janis E.

#poetry #stormingice #selfiepro