A Creative Wish

Dear Vocal World,

My name is Bella, in my 40's and I am finally starting to see that I still have so much to offer this world, but I have certainly lost my way.

I used to know what I wanted and where I was going but in the last 10 years it certainly has changed and I am nowhere near what I wanted to be doing. Even worse is that in the last 3 years its been a journey that I never would wish upon my worst enemy. But I can not change the past I can only change my present and future.

Its strange where life leads us. In the last 10 years I have been married and divorced (or just about divorced), I have been used and abused, broken and healed, I have had a gun held to my head for something ever so simple as a store voucher and I have been threatened and choked nearly to death. I have been diagnosed with Depression and Post Traumatic Stress, and I have been a parent (step parent) and then told I will never hear from them ever again and I have said Goodbye to far to many people, whether from death or from moving.

There are so many stories I could share, there is so much I could say, oh so much I would love to say. But I struggle to actually put thoughts and musings together into actual pieces. And so now in my 40s I am trying to write. Daily I journal all the thoughts I have at three different times of day and then as I have time I sit and try to sort through them and I finally making a little sense of who I am. Honestly if my thoughts are to tell me who I am then I think I am crazy because thoughts range from Farm Princesses to Bondage Slaves to saying goodbye to the different men that I have loved in my life to working out how to be a Domestic Violence Survivor instead of a victim. Thoughts just don’t seem to end.

So wishes: After all I called this a Creative Wish and asked if it will come true. So I have a wish that I would like to share with the Vocal World, because I hope that this may be my platform for Creativity.

As a child my parents always taught me to be creative and to learn or master many creative outlets and it was always up to us what ones I explored and what I liked and kept doing and I hated and stopped.

I did Finger Knitting, Long-stitch, Cross-stitch, Knitting, Sewing, playing Musical Instruments, Drama Classes, Scrapbooking, Diamond Painting Party Planning, Cooking, Nail Art, the list could probably go on.

Now in my 40's I'm trying something different. I'm trying to release my creativity through writing. For the last little while I have had so many ideas running through my head and I thought it would be a great idea to put it to paper (so to speak).

Honestly I didn't realise how hard writing would be but I won't be giving up, I really enjoy getting the ideas out of my head, but I just struggle to put together into a project. I seem to keep starting new projects constantly or restarting something that was going well because I think it might work better another way.

Who would have thought that you can go from thoughts and ideas of stories of my life, to children’s books, to journal entries, to just passages of information and thoughts that I wonder if it would ever turn anything. Just so many things come to mind and I wish I had a way of making them all into something.

This is my Creative Wish: to be someone sitting in front her computer and writing not only what’s in my head but a how I am feeling and finally express it in a way that may be exciting and fresh and hopefully something that someone may want to read it and actually enjoy it.

Secondly my wish is to be able to write all that is in my head so that I can dream new dreams, see new pictures, sing new songs and enjoy life each and every day.

So please Vocal World, please help me, please read me, please give me hints, advice, criticism whatever you think I need to hear, may I hear it here, as I peruse my new Creative Wish.