A Confused Love

I didn't see it coming. But isn't that normally how it happens? Real love never comes when you expect it, or when you think your ready for it.

I will never forget the day he smiled at me for the first time. It was my first spring semester in college. I was walking into what all temple owls call the Sac- and there he was, at the door. We were both heading inside, he held the door open for me with the kindest smile. The kind of smile that seems to not fade- one that lingers forever in your mind. One that lingers in the moment.

We had a class together; intellectual heritage it was called. Seeing him in class for the first time, i didn't think much of him- just what i thought of most guys. " Young and dumb, no decent thought in their mind." But I was wrong. Never thought what I know now of him would be real definitive factors of his character, and his personality. One thing led to another, and we were put into the same working group, among a few others. He was such a leader. He passed his phone around to everyone in our group to put our numbers in the group chat. I had to ask our team a question after class that day, but everyone dispersed so quickly. I was trying to find him, Thoreau. Thoreau is his name.

And, that's when our story began...

Thoreau challenges me in a way I cannot come to terms with. But in a way that feels right. I have looked for fairy tales from the guys of my past, and all I got was the imaginative version of who I wanted them to be. He gives me real, and authentic everything. I am so used to being told what I want to hear- pillow talk. The sweet I love you, I care about you, and I am here for you. I don't know how he feels about me through words, but I know through his actions. As time passes on his actions agrees with the way I express my feelings through words. But why is he waiting to tell me how he feels? How does he describe this thing that we have? I told him once in a deep conversation that I rather a guy never tell me he loves me, but shows me everyday. But I want clarification, every woman wants to know for sure. Maybe that is the problem.

I am so focused on the title, and the status of a relationship. When this guy is giving me something sturdy. He's building a foundation with me, that is built on honesty, deep conversations until 3AM, support and care when I need it, and endless laughter over the things we have in common, and what we found crazy about each other, but we love anyway.

It is hard to get used to what I never knew. I have always wanted to meet a guy who understood what it means to take it slow. Has a desire to get to know me- inside and out. Someone who seems to study me without even trying. Someone who matches me.

You can say that he makes me happily uncomfortable. Either way, I am determined to enjoy the experience of love, one I never knew. One I still do not know, and the one he shows me, with no true definition.