2020 Celebrity Soccer Match
The Sporting Event of the Year You never wanted to see
The following is a found transcript, pulled from the rubble of the 2020 Year End Celebrity Soccer Match. The footage of this match was seen only by the spectators of the event, who agreed to peacefully rid the world of any of the footage so that humankind could move forward without the burden of 2020's memories.
*A disclaimer/reminder that 2020 was one of the worst years ever, so the following names and events of mention may trigger feelings of depression, disdain, loneliness, and downright anger. You may also feel the need to download TikTok, buy utterly ridiculous amounts of toilet paper, or take up the art of bread baking. Reader discretion is advised.*
Chip McChipson: Hello humans and welcome to an exciting conclusion to the absolute dumpster fire that was the year 2020! Tonight: opposing teams of the year's most memorable heroes and idiots come together to play a friendly game of soccer! Because, hey: just because we are living in a global pandemic, shouldn't mean that sports aren't a thing! DAN-- how are you feeling tonight?
Dan O'sportsingly: Well, Chip, according to my pre-screening at the stadium doors, I'm JUST FINE with a REGULAR HUMAN TEMPERATURE!
Chip McChipson: Terrific!
Dan O'sportsingly: Look at that, Chip: it looks like the game is about to begin. We're starting with an introduction of our player lineup for the hero team!
Chip McChipson: Starting with our goaltender, Dolly Parton! Funding vaccines, singing Jolene, and breasts of saline.
Dan O'sportsingly: She really is a national treasure, Chip. Her team is lucky to have her tending goal tonight, and the world is lucky she cares enough about the human race to engage in real philanthropy. And stop soccer balls flying at her face!
Chip McChipson: Up next, we have Harry Styles, taking the field in a jersey gown with a sequin train.
Dan O'sportsingly: Stunning and manly. The year was better because of him, and I know I for one am still on a Watermelon Sugar High.
Chip McChipson: Aren't we all.
Dan O'sportsingly: And taking the field together appears to be... Bong Joon Ho, academy award winning director of Parasite, and Vice President Elect Kamala Harris. Two people who made history this year as winners, two people who just generally bring hope and smiles to a lot of people in a shitty time.
Chip McChipson: What incredible additions to a team of badassery. How do any of these people have the means or time to be here?
Dan O'sportsingly: Who cares!
Chip McChipson: Not me! Just asking!
Dan O'sportsingly: Okay!
Chip McChipson: Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion are here!
Dan O'sportsingly: They are here to show us their real WAP- Wild Attackers on the Pitch!
Chip McChipson: Another duo takes the field-- who else but an absolute power couple: Dwayne Wade and Gabriel Union!
Dan O'sportsingly: Black rights activism, LGBTQ+ activism, insane good looks, and a role in Bring It On? What don't they have?
Chip McChipson: My number.
Dan O'sportsingly: Creepy response!
Chip McChipson: My sincere apologies!
Dan O'sportsingly: WOW! THREE heroes have joined the team-- it's Black Lives Matter Founders Alicia Garza, Patrisse Cullors and Opal Tometi!
Chip McChipson: I don't have anything stupid and theatrical to say Dan-- because I want to be respectful!
Dan O'sportsingly: Wow-- an expert move!
Chip McChipson: Finally, the Heroes team mascot is emerging; it's MASKY, the N95 Mask, here to represent all front line healthcare workers!
Dan O'sportsingly: Wow! A belief in science AND in protecting your fellow humans? Who could possibly oppose this team?
Chip McChipson: Well Dan, I'd say probably that group of evil looking players taking to the field right now!
Dan O'sportsingly: Solid catch, Chip! It's the Idiots! Donald Trump and Carol Baskin lead the group!
Chip McChipson: I forgot either one of them existed and I was a better man for it!
Dan O'sportsingly: Me too, pal. I think we can all relate. Of course they are joined by Kanye West, whose Villain status is still up for debate, but he is choosing not to wear a mask so Idiots it is!
Chip McChipson: There's a girl dribbling a soccer ball, holding a large glass of white wine, with a jersey that says 34.
Dan O'sportsingly: Oh my god-- It's Jessica from Love Is Blind! In case you don't remember from the 15,000 times she stated it on the show, she IS 34!
Chip McChipson: Of course! That phase of quarantine feels like it was 34 years ago. Time is an illusion and nothing seems real anymore!
Dan O'sportsingly: Pull up, Chip, you're kind of going down.
Chip McChipson: Existential Dread!
Dan O'sportsingly: Okay!
Chip McChipson: Jessica has back-passed her ball to a group of anti-maskers, "all lives matter" supporters, and Covid deniers!
Dan O'sportsingly: Wow-- great team picks for the Idiots. They capture the spirit of the team perfectly! AND LOOK- their mascot is coming up behind them, it's Cohen the COVID particle! Completely disgusting. It seems the two teams have approached center field for the coin toss... and it's Idiots with the kickoff! Let the game begin!
Chip McChipson: Do any of these humans actually know how to play soccer?
Dan O'sportsingly: Absolutely not, and no one knows why this was chosen as the year end game for anyone!
Chip McChipson: Makes sense to me, Dan!
Dan O'sportsingly: About as much sense as anything else this year, Chip!
Chip McChipson: The ball is officially in play, and it looks like the Idiots are taking the ball up the field.
Dan O'sportsingly: It looks like the Heroes are trying to keep their distance from the anti-masker forwards! A strong play for the idiots!
Chip McChipson: Here's the pass to Trump, Trump with the cross to Carol Baskin and...
Dan O'sportsingly: WOW!!! A perfect bicycle kick from Carol Baskin at the Heros net.
Chip McChipson: SAVED by Dolly!!!! How did she do that?!
Dan O'sportsingly: The power of vaccines and belief in science, chip!
Chip McChipson: Oh dear... it seems the Idiots are quite upset about the save.
Dan O'sportsingly: Well Chip, to be fair, it has seemed like idiots would emerge victorious this entire year! It's hard to believe this year could end in positivity and growth!
Chip McChipson: What's this? The ref has taken to centre field!
Dan O'sportsingly: He says that the Idiots are sorry, they realize that them winning the game would be a terrible omen, and they'd like to forfeit and join the Heroes in erasing any memory of this terrible year from the collective memory.
Chip McChipson: Incredible! It's like they all learned something! And it only took an entire year and one extremely bizzare soccer game!
Dan O'sportsingly: It really does feel like we're in a fever dream, Chip!
Chip McChipson: Well, the teams played roughly about 45 seconds of soccer, we were reminded of what a terrible year this was, but in the end, love and science wins.
Dan O'sportsingly: I plan to join the crowd in destroying all evidence of this game. Starting now!
Chip McChipson: Oh, hold on there Dan, we might just want to check with the network before you start smashing things...
Dan O'sportinsgly: SCREW 2020!