Transgenderism and Me

Realizing that I'm trans man took longer then I thought. Before then, I identified as non-binary. Something that made me feel a little better. But, not too much. There was this strange feeling that I had underneath the vague sense of relief. I guess it had been dysphoria?

Possibly?

Either way, it was a powerful feeling that I ignored a lot. As, at the time, we were going through a lot. And my gender wasn't something that I could speculate on for too long. I had to move a lot. Get a better job after getting fired from one. And then I had to deal with all the stress from that new job. Which I felt I did a somewhat decent job at when I was there.

I still didn't see myself as myself.

At the time, I just felt like I was wearing a costume. Sort of? That what I was just wasn't me, yet. Still, things were in motion and I couldn't figure myself out right then. Not until we moved half-way across the country to another state entirely. From South Dakota to Maine. So, I set that aside and tried to focus on handling that move. Handling finding another job that I had to pay bills and such with. Which took quite a few months then I thought it was going to.

A lot more months if I were to be honest.

Then I spent a whole lot of time pretending to be a girl. Or rather, a feminine non-binary person. Which wasn't all that hard to do. I even wore make-up for about a year. That, was sort of fun for a while? Though it made me feel like a clown most days.

Also was a lot more expensive then I thought it would be.

So I spent a whole year paying for stuff that I rarely wore. A full face of it for work. Where a lot of folks made fun of me for wearing it. Like more then I anticipated I would. Soon as I was done with wearing make-up and felt comfortable with myself, folks acted odd. Acting like it was some huge deal that I stopped wearing make-up over that. So, no matter what. I didn't win. I felt less like myself and less like the man that I wanted to be. Getting chest binders took a lot of courage for me.

I was afraid that it would hurt me or that I'd fuck up my ribs. Now, I wear them to work without issue.

Feeling more like myself then I had ever felt in years. Along with a necklace that I had wanted to wear while in Maine. Not doing so not just because I was in the closet. But a lot of former my co-workers didn't really say anything good about trans people as a whole. Some of them getting so mad that a manager had to talk to them about it. Making me realize just how unsafe I was in that environment and that I could never come out there.

Oddly enough, I've come out to quite a few co-workers here in South Dakota. Someplace that I've never thought I would ever feel safe to do so.

Yet, at least five or four co-workers know that I'm a guy. Know that I'm a dude and have no issue with it. Which feels so strange considering that I'm living in the Midwest. Where being queer when I was younger was sort of not good for me. Mostly getting bullied by guys who treated me like trash. Some girls treated me like trash, too. And I have seen some of them in the past few months. Being seen by some strangers as a guy, too. A few people who have come into the place I work at have called me 'Sir'.

Sure, they 'correct' themselves but, it still makes me feel good.

I am happy. And hopefully I can afford more of a transition later. Getting hormones after seeing a Doctor. Which, I'm sort of excited and scared to do. But, at least I know that people will have my back. Not just my Mother. And not just strangers on the internet either.