THE TRUTH ABOUT SIBLINGS AND CAREGIVING

Healthcare practitioners and carers are aware that "there's always one." One sibling typically takes on most of the caregiving duties in families. It makes no difference if you are one of six children or the only one. One is always present.

Sometimes being a natural leader or doer makes you "the one." Sometimes you play the part because, let's face it, you're bossy and don't give your siblings a lot of room to assist or contribute. You may be selected by your parents or by geography. It doesn't matter how you end up in the position. What counts is how you respond to it.

Other than burnout, there are a few things you should watch out for if you are "the one." Resentment, wishful thinking, hesitation, and indiscretion are four pitfalls to avoid.

The four pitfalls of providing care for siblings

Being "the one" makes it simple to develop resentment. Where is the aid? "Why's this on me?" "Why do they get a free pass?" The obvious response is, "This isn't fair." It's not that your anger is unjustified; on the contrary, it very well might be. Simply said, negativity can consume you. Additionally, when you are the carer, you must look after your mental, physical, and emotional well-being.

I maintained a spreadsheet with all the tasks I needed to complete for my parents while they were both in the hospital. At one point, the list contained 196 items. I also had my regular job. I also had my children. I used to go wild if one of my siblings would excuse themselves from our family dilemma to go out and get groceries or do laundry. I could feel how my animosity affected me, and I knew it would either make me sick or endanger the relationships I wished to keep intact.

Due to time and financial restrictions, I could not consult a professional therapist at the time and had to find other means to deal with my emotions. I concluded that I'd rather be grateful that I could handle so much than angry that I had to accomplish so much during my daily appreciation ritual. How fortunate I was to be able to manage our family crises with my strength, endurance, resources, and organizational abilities. But who was I to assume that everyone would operate in the same manner as I did? Each of us was providing the greatest care we could for our parents. This change in how I viewed my obligations was important to me. I was very appreciative of what I had the chance to do.

Wishful thinking: My spouse did not learn to be grateful for his role, but I did. He would remark, "Why don't you ask for help?" "You're a family man. Someone else must carry out that. Although I could see where he was coming out of, I was also aware that he was engaging in wishful thinking.

Each of us has unique talents and shortcomings. In terms of execution, I excel. I'm an expert in logistics management. I am an expert Googler. When you combine it with my assertiveness, I am frequently the best person to speak with oncologists, bargain leases for assisted living facilities, and organize appointments with the eldercare attorney. I do my homework, formulate my inquiries, and make the necessary requests.

When it pertains to emotional jobs or soft skills, I'm not very excellent. In those areas, my sisters are far superior to me. So asking them to take on part of my chores and expecting them to conduct them the way I would be considered wishful thinking. I should have inquired about them to fill in

where I was lacking. Hello, could you call Mom? She requires a conversation partner. Alternatively, ask, "Can you stay in contact with the family so I can communicate with the doctors?"

Uncertainty: If you're "the one," there's a good possibility you already are or soon will be your parents' power of attorney as well as a healthcare proxy. You are in charge if that is the case. Own it. Asking your siblings for advice is a wonderful habit, but you should also know when to stop listening to them and start acting. Your parents trusted you, so they gave you the part. You must have faith in yourself. It's unfortunate if your siblings don't like it. But you're not taking good care of them.

A high input, low democracy strategy is one technique to reduce indecision while preventing alienating family members. Get the opinions of everyone. Respect it. Scale it. Then take the best course of action. Hopefully, your loved ones will understand if your choice doesn't reflect their suggestions. And if they don't, know that you did your best to listen and respond.

Being a carer means spending a lot of time with your ailing or elderly parent. Additionally, during those exchanges, you can be worn out, under pressure, and angry with your siblings. Could you not bring it up? Find a buddy, your spouse, or a support group online to vent to. Avoid dumping on the individual who needs care. They already have enough to be concerned about without adding guilt, worry, or stress over potential family rifts.

One of the last times my mother was conscious was about a week before she passed away, and she grasped my hand and whispered, "Promise me you will be nice to your sisters."

I chuckled, "Damnit, I did my best to avoid this situation. But I'll still do it, Mom. She deserved to hear it, so she did. I truly meant it.