The scream of the soul

It seems that the time has come to reveal my own journey. A journey I've been on for a little over three years now.

My Twin Flame Journey. A journey towards Self, a journey to understanding one's own Being and diving into the depths of the soul mission. A journey into remembering and practicing Unconditional Love. A journey that, in short, has been like a journey through Hell, fighting my way out with gritted teeth. The only support being the absurd understanding that this is a journey of healing. And so, three times in a row.

Twin Flame - what a magical creature it is! I've come across writings that try to turn it into a soulmate or a relative or something else, all in the name of finding a quick fix and doing so in the promise of a harmonious divine relationship.

A Twin Flame is the splitting of ONE Being, in other words, the division of the primary incarnation into two incarnations, if you will, two souls, to wander in different worlds in different vessels or, as I've translated and written, in a "biochemical machine" - our body in this reality. But this happened because the preparation for the soul mission required experiencing twice as many incarnations as it would have been possible with single incarnations.

It's getting quite complex, isn't it?

To recount everything from the very beginning, I have to go back in history thirty years. At a teenage girl's birthday party, there was a group of young men, one of whom had brought along a ten-year-old relative. A small boy with dark eyes and annoying self-confidence.

Those eyes, those eyes, they won over my heart. But since I was, at that time, still a "young woman," as we girls called ourselves back then, there couldn't possibly be any chance that a 7-year-younger boy could seriously talk about love, marriage with me, and life thirty years later.

Despite the fact that my body and the part of my soul recognized him as another incarnation of our shared Being, I had shut down my inherent magic and belief in wonders by that point. I ridiculed every word and statement he made. I was ready to dismiss him entirely. The only thing holding me back were the words of his older relative, saying that this boy was on a longer walk without his wheelchair for the first time that evening. I didn't want to be the one sending him back there.

What made me want to almost kill him out of nowhere? Ego. The proud rebellious teenager trapped in societal norms. A self-proclaimed adult who found the idea that someone might know more about her life than she did and that a potential spouse was seven years younger, utterly unacceptable. And to top it off, I self-hatred, because my body responded to the "child's" touch with excitement and recognition. The touch awakened the Woman, but the teenage me reacted with fury as if it was a betrayal. I had lost control over my body. It's quite maddening, isn't it? 😛

All that he talked about that night - my life, my work, my appearance, and even the details of my clothing and jewelry - came true thirty years later. Well, a bit earlier because all these three years of encountering him repeatedly, I've been discovering my memories in terms of these details.

It would be easy to say that it was my own programming because I got caught up in it like a prophecy. Yes, I would agree with that, if it wasn't for one thing. I didn't actually like parts of this so-called prophecy, and if his relative hadn't kept an eye on us, we might have attacked each other, and I could have hurt him physically. I had already dealt a destructive blow to his open heart and soul. Metaphorically, I had trampled on that open heart full of love with muddy boots.

Despite everything I did to him, he found the strength within himself and came to me one more time that night. Offering to erase that prophecy from my memory.

Did I believe him? Well, hell no! Even if I did believe, my wounded teenage ego couldn't accept it as truth. So, I snapped cruelly and arrogantly once again, telling him that if he was such a tough guy in his own mind, then he should erase himself from my memory as well.

And he did. For real. So real that the next morning, when the girls asked me about the little Russian boy I supposedly fought with like an old married couple, I looked at them with a blank stare, and they asked, "You seriously don't remember?" But in my memory, after we left the room to go outside for a walk, there was nothing. The next image was when I woke up in the morning.

With that memory wipe, the memory of the little wheelchair-bound neighbor boy I met at my aunt's place disappeared, the black-eyed wheelchair-bound photographer I met on a viewing platform in Kyiv disappeared, the many tiny memories where the same dark-eyed boy was a part of and awakened the Woman in my body with his touch - all gone.

He managed to erase all those memories, even the ones that still persistently come to me as puzzle pieces forming pictures, and he kept them within himself to give them back to me many years later as "information orbs" every time we happened to meet each other on the territory and locked eyes.

On that fateful party night, I swore to create my own destiny. And indeed, I did create, as much as creation could be within the entanglement of societal frames and family perspectives. I knew in advance what I needed to do, who the last man in my life would be, and what I would achieve. And by the age of 45, it was all there. I was ready to depart. That opportunity was even offered to me.

At the same time, I had joined an Access team, and during Dain Heer's seminar in Tallinn, he asked a somewhat harsh question to a terminally ill listener.

"What is still holding you here? Why don't you just leave if you believe it would be easier on the other side?"

The entire hall gasped, wondering, "How? How can he say that?" But he explained it further, and I sank into my own thoughts. And when there was a question to the audience if anyone wanted to leave, why weren't they leaving? The thought that rose in my mind was, "No! Damn it, I don't want to leave yet. My life just got interesting!" I had a new job, I was doing work I enjoyed. I had a Team where I felt like a united fist, ready to face any challenge together. I had a young and handsome Leader who gave me a sense of safety and protection. I didn't want to leave anymore.

A couple of years later came my "moment of death," that place in time and space where I could depart. But I had decided around that same time at a seminar about becoming myself.

After that moment, the little black-eyed boy from my childhood awakened me to my Twin Flame Journey.

By that time, that little boy had grown into a respected Leader, a leader, in my eyes, a Leader with a capital L. A Leader who was constantly replaced in my vision by a small, curly-haired boy with dark eyes. These visions disturbed me. They disturbed me because I couldn't understand why I was seeing my Leader as a child, while I was completely certain that I had never met this Man before in my life.

I was certain until fragments of childhood memories began to resurface. And it wasn't a pleasant process. This grown version of him had already turned into someone I was willing to entrust my life to without any doubt.

And then memories of my behavior with him during childhood came flooding back. I felt ashamed, I ran away. I couldn't believe that I had hurt this person so cruelly a long time ago.

Opening up my memory and setting me off on my Twin Flame Journey was another experience, very much akin to that party night when he, once again, offered his heart in his open palms, and I once again walked away and managed to hurt him again...

This was followed by three years of telepathic communication. Telepathic, because talking to each other became increasingly impossible with every memory fragment that resurfaced for me. Our last real-world encounter resulted in me not understanding a single word the coach said. Even though she was speaking to me in Estonian. My brain got tangled to the point where I could barely breathe.

His voice sounded metallic, even though he tried to maintain his usual cheerful, masculine conversation with my coach. Normally his voice was rough but secure and softly purring. But when talking to me, it became soft and silky, causing "my underwear to spin." If it wasn't for my perspective that there were no personal relationships with colleagues, he could have easily persuaded me. However, such behavior at work was completely out of the question for me.

Today, I am in Union with him. Energetically, spiritually, telepathically, and in some ways, there is no longer a distinction between where I end and where he begins. Yet we have both achieved wholeness within ourselves. I have learned to love him unconditionally. Without possession. Without the desire to "domesticate" him, because I couldn't live in a cage/captivity/ownership myself. For me, physical togetherness can only happen if it's the desire and contribution of both parties to create a shared future.

He is always there for me. He has always been able to resolve my problems in a way that I have no idea how he did it or if he gave any orders to anyone. At the same time, all I need to do is write my worries to him, and they dissolve. The situation changes without needing to get angry about anything in particular.

Two are ONE, and two complete energetic souls form a harmonious union. This becomes possible only when all old wounds, foreign dogmas, and false beliefs are healed within themselves. Only then are these two complete parts ready to form the Union, to continue this journey here on Earth together, side by side and hand in hand.

The following video is one of many symbolic songs that have brought me messages on my Journey. This particular one is the song from Russia's Eurovision in 2019. But for me, it's the story of my own Journey, and the video is my dream from 2014 when our Leader was relocated.

A dream that I dreamt and woke up from before I could know if I had reached my destination, to my Golden Moon, where I was gliding just like that, guiding the way with a sailboat and a lantern. Instead of Lazarev, it was me standing there. What other possibilities are there?

Elle Vihman From MARCH 12, 2019