St Fandom Academy Part 8

Blackadder stared at the vacant students in front of him like cockroaches to crush. He had been warmed that Class D had been a particularly challenging class to teach. With the likes of Eric Cartman, Vicky Pollard and Ash Ketchum, Blackadder could see their point. But there were others that caught Blackadder's attention for the wrong reasons. Students like Wendy Testaburger, founder of the Vegan Poets Society reminded Blackadder of the woke activists that threw baked beans at his banks.

"Now, your ancestors risked certain death for you to be here today."

Baldrick stood behind him with the chalk, as he got ready to write.

"My name is Mr Blackadder," he said. Behind Blackadder, Baldrick had written Mr Bean. "This empty-sack-of-a-brain behind me is my assistant Mr Baldrick." Baldrick scribbled bad dick on the board, causing the whole class to erupt in laughter. Unknown to what was behind him, Blackadder continued. "I will be teaching you, history."

In the biggest capital letters, Baldrick had written turnips where history should have been.

Eric Cartman howled with laughter, pointing at the board. When Blackadder turned around he bit his lip and sneered at Baldrick, and said, "Baldrick that's not how you spell my name."

"I'm sorry," Baldrick said, bowing. "I can't read or write like you can."

"Sir, are you related to Mr Bean?" Butters asked. "You sure do look a whole lot like him!"

"Certainly not, Butters."

"But he looks so much like you," Butters said. "Maybe you are long lost twins."

"Oh my god!" Vicky exclaimed as she stood up with her arms in the air. "Do you remember when Cody Hida put glue on Mr Bean's chair and he sat on it and still did the dance lessons? It was well funny. He is a total legend."

Kari, a girl in the front row turned to Vicky. "It was you that glued Mr Bean's chair."

Vicky squinted a booze-eyed star at Kari. The difference in social class was clear in with Vicky's pink tracksuit compared to Kari's spring coloured dress. "I weren't even talking to you," Vicky yelled at Kari. "Shut up you slag! Everybody knows you got your tits out to the football team."

"That was also you," TK yelled in Kari's defence. "You're lucky Tai's not here."

"OH MY GOD!" Vicky cackled with laughter. "Should I be scared. Is he gonna beat me up? Haha don't make me laugh. He's such a clone. He stole Gary Oak's hair. I bet Kari gives his precious brother blowjobs at home. Anyway, I'm not gonna listen to you lot cause digimon are rubbish."

Blackadder turned around and wiped the board clean with a wiper. Vicky's rants came across as obnoxious. He turned around and slammed his fist on his desk. "Shut up with the greatest respect, Vicky."

"Okay." Vicky sat down with her legs wide open. "I was just about to finish, if you don't mind. Oh my god, people are so rude these days."

"I'm going to take you back to England 1553," said Blackadder.

"But Mr Blackadder, we're suppose to be studying the American Presidents," Wendy Testaburger cried out.

"Then allow me to summarize all American Presidents in a nutshell for you: rapist-papist -misogynist-racist-KKK leaders in suits, with crucifixes up their bottoms. Feel free to write it down. It will make a great insult to your playground rivals."

"I want to be an American President now," Eric Cartman said, bopping his head.

Blackadder forced himself to smile. "Of course you do, Eric."

"What did England 1553 they have for vegans?" Wendy asked.

"That's a very good question, Wendy. Plenty of choices for vegetarians and vegans in the Tudor era."

"Oh wow!" Wendy exclaimed for joy a little too soon.

"If you were an aristocrat, there would be some lovely plums and bread. Sadly if you were just a commoner you may have to resort to eating your own dung like Baldrick's ancestors did. Otherwise it's a choice between casket, a tombstone or turnips."

Wendy widened her mouth and smiled. "Turnips are valuable in Animal Crossing."

Blackadder's lesson appeared to have gone smoother than he thought. In the back of his mind, all he could think about was how he was going to complete Celebi's task of becoming head master of the school as a history teacher. He lectured the class about Bloody Mary, and how Lady Jane Grey lost her bead. Some students claimed it sounded like an episode of Game of Thrones: they were right.

After the bell rung for break. Blackadder observed the hallway and noticed Vicky Pollard get approached by a tall boy marching with his fists ready to fight. It had to to be Tai.

"Just leave it," a blonde chap behind him begged. "She's not worth it."

"No!" Tai pulled up his sleeves. "I am not going to stand here and let her talk shit about my little sister. Hey! You!"

"What you looking at?" Vicky roared.

"You're ugly face!"

"You think you're so hard do ya?" Vicky Pollard reminded Blackadder of every chav stereotype possible. "Everybody knows Ash Ketchum is harder than you."

"We need to talk!" Tai screamed, not caring if anyone could hear him. As a teacher, it was Blackadder's duty to intervene, but as a bystander, he watched.

Vicky pointed at Tai and laughed. "Have you been to talking to Kari Yagami?"

"Yes, I am her brother."

"Oh my god you need to watch for her, she's a complete slag."

"Oh really?" Tai punched the locker behind Vicky. "You better take that back."

"Oh my god!" Vicky leaned back against the lockers. "You won't believe what Kari did in the library. She ate TK's sausage in front of the Vegan Poet's Society."

Tai yanked the colour of her hoodie. "How dare you!"

Vicky showed no sign of fear at all. "You're just jealous cause your sister's not sucking you off anymore."

"I'm gonna kill you!" Tai's fist landed on Vicky's nose. He slapped both of Vicky's cheeks at the same time."

"Tai stop it!" Kari begged.

Blackadder returned to his classroom as Mr Mackey stormed towards the lockers, ordering students to step away before going in between Tai and Vicky. "Tai! You can't hit girls. M'Kay!"

"She called my sister a slut. I'm teaching her a lesson."

Mr Mackey nodded, then turned around. "Vicky, we've been through this. Slut-shaming is bad. M'Kay!"

Not even a bleeding nose or red cheeks could stop Vicky. "No, but yeah, but no, cause I just about to say before you got involved that Kari is a total legend. Cause you know the Waterflower sisters? The youngest is in our class, but the older three don't like Misty so they spend all of Misty's pocket money on chips and condoms. It's true and if you don't believe me, you can ask Kari. But Kari's so dirty, she makes Eric Cartman's mum look like a complete virgin and that's saying something."

"M'Kay!" Mr Mackey mumbled, scratching his head. "I need you both to come to the principle's office. M'Kay!"

Blackadder knew it was terrible. It was like trash TV happening before his very eyes.