Purgatory vol 3

Once again, it's time for me to expose my wounds to the world. A necessity driven not so much by hunger, but by an internal command, a call to benefit those who might stumble upon this place by chance or have been my readers throughout these last three years of Journey. Yes, almost precisely three years have passed since that day when I began to remember who I am, and that there's a man in my life with whom I almost, nearly, intertwined three decades ago. And now it has become apparent that everything he spoke of back then has turned into truth today (well, not everything, some parts are still unfolding).

Three years ago today, the weather was just as sunny, and the air was similarly crisp. Then, like a hammer hitting me square in the face, a vision struck me. A vision of a little dark-eyed boy with curly hair, his gaze carrying so much cunning, love, and self-assuredness that it ignited a touch of teenage arrogance within me.

That was the beginning of the most pivotal events in my life. The evening and its events were wiped from my memory so thoroughly that by the following morning, I couldn't recall a thing beyond our small gathering, including a bunch of boys and a little boy with eyes that held the entire Universe.

Bits and pieces of that distant evening came back to me over time. Each fragment was triggered by being in the same room as that dear Twin as an adult and locking eyes with one another. And truthfully, that wasn't what I intended to write about today.

For the past few weeks, people have been reaching out to me, people for whom this current time has been arduous. Not just due to the physical realities of life's woes and issues, but that absurd weight pressing on their minds and those peculiar moods that defy comprehension. With most, I always sensed that by this weekend, precisely today, the tensions would find their resolutions, and people would once again make amends with their emotions and feelings.

However, what prompted me to write today was this: now I find myself plunged into that crazy, depression-like sensation, a feeling of throwing in the towel. Maybe because now that the rest have gone through Purgatory fire, it's my turn to undergo it too. Or perhaps my own threshold of endurance has been reached, and now it's time for a cleansing fire. A defragmentation of my hard drive, a deep inventory, and a breath of fresh air for my closet, so that a new bundle of information can fit onto the hard drive and seamlessly install itself into my systems at a cellular level.

"Purification Fire", "Purgatory" – It's something I've translated many times before, and today marks another iteration of this journey. I've always emphasized to newcomers that the Journey Within is like descending into Hell and then fighting your way back, not once, not twice, but three times in a row. Armed only with your own claws and teeth, and an immense inner knowing that this is just another moment on this path, one you have to hack through to move forward and create a life as you envision. One of those translations is here:

Purgatory - Cleansing Fire – The purification of energetic space to welcome incoming new energies and allow for greater spiritual growth on your journey. Releasing emotions and thoughts that you've outgrown with your current level of development.

For however many times I've experienced this myself, I can't recall anymore. Volume 3 bears that title for a reason – because that's how it feels. Three signifies the end of preparation and the true beginning of the work. The number 4 embodies the energy of putting in the effort and concentration. In Estonian, there's a saying, "Kolm on kohtu seadus," which translates to "Three is the law of judgment." In English, it's better known as "Three times is a charm!" suggesting that success is assured on the third try.

So, what are the symptoms that indicate it's time again, a period that needs to be lived through because everything is fine in the physical reality? Let's start with the feeling of falling ill, actually. No fever, no physical pain, just this sluggishness, as if you're recovering from a heavy night of drinking. That kind of cat-like laziness, where you'd much rather curl up under a blanket and gaze into the fireplace.

Just to let the world carry on in its haste. To step out of the squirrel wheel called the real world. Plus, there's the powerlessness to do anything and a clear sense of drowsiness. So, diagnosis: Hangover or pre-flu state 😛 But actually, neither of those, rather the gathering and burning of energetic debris in the Purification Fire. Purgatory – a term familiar to Christians, referring to the large bonfires in the ante-chamber of Hell. In reality, though, it's a natural part of spiritual development and growth, a chapter in the journey of inner evolution.

To explain this a bit better, Purification Fire is like adolescence. 🙂 We all remember how at some point, our parents turned into seemingly outdated beings who didn't understand our needs, and we fought against them with every breath we took. Then, at some moment, after navigating the challenges of adolescence, we realized that our parents had made the greatest contribution to preparing us for life.

It's the same with the Purification Fire in spiritual development. There's a theory in child development psychology that before each new stage, a child needs to deconstruct what they've learned previously in order to rise higher, utilizing those very deconstructed ideas to succeed in the next developmental phase. If I'm not mistaken, this theory was formulated by Piaget. His logic described the situation as follows:

Step 1. Initially, a child has a certain behavioral pattern. They behave according to it and explore the world.

Step 2. The behavioral pattern remains the same, but the child gathers experiences that render the existing pattern ineffective. A kind of rebellion arises against all that the pattern represents. The child breaks this pattern to reach the next level.

Step 3. The previous pattern is deconstructed, and the child is no longer constrained by limiting frames, which in turn allows them to "fly" and ascend to the next level.

So, the Purification Fire is essentially the second stage of raising the level of development.

This morning, someone kindly told me that this current phase seems as if I'm being reborn in this moment. And it's true. The old pattern is being torn down or already dismantled, and soon we'll move forward into the next phase. Thank you, Pille ;)

And to not deviate from the usual theme of my blog, let me return to my Beloved Twin Flame.

Mainly because a common misconception has arisen that Twin Flames are unhappy, depressed, and want to end their lives because they can't be in a relationship. 😛

In reality, it's quite the opposite – it's a Cinderella's fate, where they think that a physical union is the only type of relationship. Twin Flames are on a long journey of self-healing, and the sooner they understand that self-healing is the main priority, the faster they move into alignment with their Twin Flame, and then the physical union becomes possible. Until then, they are connected energetically and spiritually.

Right now, I brought this up precisely because it doesn't matter that I'm in the midst of the Purification Fire. My Twin is mentally right beside me. I can feel his presence and emotions with every word I write here. Thank you, my Beloved Soul!

Through this writing, you've guided me, and my burning has progressed more gently.

Sometimes, it feels like we're burning simultaneously, and then it shifts to feeling like we're supporting each other through our respective Purification Fires. Two is One, and that's a situation most carriers of the old mindset fail to understand.

Yes, at times, it's exhaustingly maddening. Just like my own perception and sensing today. Sensing their closeness, hearing music playing in my mind, with lyrics conveying messages. Feeling their sadness because I'm ready to let go, yet despite that, they're there, repeating:

"We'll get through this together!"

And we will.

And by evening, I'll have picked up and pieced together my fragments from the bathroom floor. I'll stand up, ready to face the new week as that Superwoman I've become through this journey. To move forward alongside my Super Man, in alignment for our shared mission and the physical union.

What other possibilities are there?

I wish for you to be protected and secure in your own heart's Power.

"My wish for you is that your forthcoming life will be exactly as you desire it to be.

May your dreams remain grand,

May your worries stay small,

May the burdens you bear in this world always be within your reach.

And as you strive towards your goals in this world, I hope you always know that by your side is a person who Loves You and wishes all of this for you.

Yes! This is my wish for you.

And that you find your way Home."

Lone Wolf on her Journey to recovery.

Elle Vihman from May 26, 2019