Love Means Letting Go

Years ago, I fell in love with a woman in Scotland on a pub crawl on my birthday. Back then I had no idea what love was nor do I now. It is complex, intricate and at times difficult to understand. However, I did know one thing for sure and that was my heart skipped a beat for the first time. I saw her from across the bar as she entered, and my heart recognized her immediately. She felt like a past love lost long ago, but I never forgot her. I gravitated towards her, and she felt larger than life, almost impossible to approach without butterflies in my stomach.

Well, I chugged a beer and gathered up whatever courage I could muster and cracked a bad joke as I stood behind them at the bar. To my surprise she ended up laughing with her friend and we introduced ourselves. They were both from Germany, both teachers, just enjoying their holiday in Scotland and wanting to enjoy the nightlife. The more we talked and learned about one another, the more I found myself mesmerized by her smile. We spent the night drinking and dancing together and ended up back at my hostel. In the morning, we sat on the stairs talking about our struggles in life and I swear it felt like she saw through my soul. She ended up heading home to Germany, but we kept in touch until I was able to visit.

It wasn’t until years later and after a battle with alcoholism that I confessed my feelings to her. Because the thing was that I had loved her since the day we met and my heart knew that much, but I was terrified to tell her. I was terrified of being vulnerable with anyone and looking back I regret that the most. She had felt the same all those years and instead of using the word love, or relationship we decided on a phrase that I still hold close to my heart. She said, “Lets bloom together, however that looks, through whatever season the universe decides to take us”. Though as time passed and I endured the uncomfortable moments of therapy in order to grow, I watched her flowers wilt while mine blossomed. We had a beautiful relationship of ups and downs, but at the end I learned a painful lesson. Sometimes while blooming one plant can steal the sunshine and leave the other in the shade. I had outgrown my pot and needed uprooting to protect the other plants who were wilting. In the final moments of our relationship, I chose to make a selfish decision to leave because I refused to become the reason she stopped growing.

It was the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make, and I agonized over it for months. With the help of an amazing therapist, and great friends I learned this lesson about love. What I believed to be selfish was in fact a very core part of the selflessness of love. Neither of us were wrong nor no one did anything wrong. I was holding her back from the life she wanted and her path of growth. It would have been selfish of me to stay and watch her sacrifice her dreams to nurture mine.

This is what I learned from a great and grand love with her. Vulnerability is how we connect as people and how we love deeply. The more open and more vulnerable I was, the more loved I felt when she understood me. Sometimes we have to make the hard choices to leave because we love someone enough to let them go. Holding on and watching your partner make concessions is a selfish thing to do.