Drew, unspoken love

October 30th, 2022

Drew,

It’s been 5 days since I ate. That means it’s been five days since you left me. Your heart went into a cardiac arrest, whatever that is, and it stopped. You stopped breathing too and your life ended in that moment. What you probably didn’t realize would happen, is my life ending as well. Actually, that would have been much easier- if I just died with you. Instead, you left me heartbroken and terrified of my life without you. I didn’t die that day, but my life ended.

People might think I’m being dramatic. I’m 26 after all, I have so much life ahead of me. What they don’t realize is that I lost my soulmate. I didn’t believe in soulmates until I met you. You changed me. You changed everything. Suddenly the girl who could never get herself to call somebody her boyfriend- was thinking about marrying you within the first couple of months of dating. Of course, our situation was different. Marrying you was the only way for us to stay together. We were poster children for Green Card Marriage. Young, obliviously happy, and naive. At the same time marrying you seemed like the only reasonable choice. Not because of the immigration laws. Because being with you seemed like the only thing I could ever do with my life. Leaving you was impossible.

The years have passed, and life threw everything it had at us. But we survived. Maybe we were not as in love as we used to be, but our love got much deeper and more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Last week we had a stupid fight and you said to me:

“Someone told me once that if I passed and you could imagine your life without me then our love was not real at all. If you weren't able to imagine it, that’s how you know the love was real.”

I thought about it and didn’t answer. I let the silence speak for me.

The truth is, I thought I was better than that. I thought if you were gone I’d just travel the world and do all the things I couldn’t do with you. Little did I know that 4 days later I’d face that exact scenario and realize how badly wrong I was.

Drew, there’s no life without you. Yes, I’ll survive. Although it might be extremely hard. But live? How can I ever live without your hugs? Without your stupid jokes. Without you calling me- pretending to be a guy of a different ethnicity- trying to hook up with me... which was slightly racist, but at the same time weirdly adorable. How can I live without your love?

Of course, I can’t. I don’t want to.

I’m stuck in my own hell. I know you must be at peace. You’re the kindest, most deserving person I know. It just kills me that everyone is here now. Everyone who loves you wants to do everything to make sure we are okay but you are not OKAY. You’re not here. There’s just me. And I’m so broken I might as well be gone. It's too late...

To be honest? I don’t even feel this anymore. I’m out of tears, out of feelings, out of plans for the future. There’s no future without you. I have no idea what I’m going to do and it’s quite difficult to figure that out when I’m completely numb.

For the past 4 days, I was crying and laughing, and crying again. But now? I don’t feel anything when I think about you. I'm empty. Out of love. Out of you. I’m just disappointed that you had to die, for people to realize how amazing you were. I'm disappointed in myself that you had to die, for me to admit how much I needed you.

Love,

M

*****

Drew, unspoken love will be published sometime in 2024.