blank check || chapter one

00:00:01

I take a deep breath through my nose, opening my right eye. Then my left eye. Slowly though, I wouldn't want the sun to burn my retinas. The scientists on Facebook say that repeated damage, especially in the morning, causes early blindness.

00:00:45

The fuzzy blue socks I got from the last time I visited Mount Desert for my OB/GYN overnighter touched the white tiles of my bathroom floor. My loose black shirt rests on my waist, my long PJs dragged on the ground as I slowly pull them back up around my waist. I look into the mirror with my curly brown hair wrapped in a red and blue turban and pineapple!

Did you know that if you cover your hair, the scalp won't get the air needed to grow itself properly? Neither did I!

00:01:30

I'm counterclockwise brushing my teeth in the third circle because it'll remove the most plaque. I also use an all-natural, charcoal-based toothpaste first and then a neem toothpowder to get the remaining plaque and fortify my teeth to have my shot of Pepsi.

00:03:25

I walk into my kitchen with my stainless kitchen equipment. The fridge reads off the temperature, the probability of rain, the allergic count, and what allergies to look out for.

Pollen. I hate pollen.

I wrap my hand around the fridge, pulling it open to reveal all my food in day order-Monday through Sunday, with breakfast, lunch, dinner, and three snacks because any more than three is no good for me!

00:10:30

After enjoying the white of my egg, my fired yellow yolk, and a toast with avocado spread, I took the tooth powder from above my cabinet. I turned the sink water to about 57-68 degrees because that's the optimal brushing temperature.

I opened the lid and took out my red toothbrush because it was Monday, red day!

01:30:45

I walked into my office building three hours earlier than my assigned time. I adjusted the blue button-down and black pencil skirt with my grey wedges, which matched my gray headscarf around my hair in a pineapple fashion.

I smiled at the receptionist, Smiley Miley. I like to call her even though I've never seen her smile. She scoffs at me and skips over to the elevator. I used my knuckle because I didn't want to catch one of the millions of diseases left on it from the day before to press the '9th' level.

02:34:54

I finish typing all my reports for the day when the bosses finally arrive. I smile brightly and jump up to meet his side.

Mr. Taylor is always friendly but can be passive with all my ideas.

I give precisely 1,239,348 ideas in email, text, phone calls, and calendar reminders.

I gave him the first half as we walked to his office. He smiled at me, "Talisha, amazing ideas as always. I'll give them a look over and get back to you." I nod with a big smile, exactly 28 millimeters in diameter.

04:37:45

Mr. Taylor insisted on me going home early because, doing the meeting, I kept giving him more ideas. The meetings are so fun, I get to meet all my friends!

And it gives me time to invite all of them to my house for a watch party. Can't get enough of that Big Bang Theory!

But everyone else seems to be irradiated; I wonder why?

Maybe I wasn't smiling long enough-the experts say exactly seven seconds for each minute you're staring them in the person's eyes!

Perhaps it's actually eight?

06:34:29

I hop off the A-Train and skip up the stairs carefully because the last time, I got my heels caught on the edge and ended up in the hospital for a few days. I was so disappointed, though! No one came to visit me! What gives?

07:34:47

I stopped at my favorite fast food joint, Dixie's; I ordered my usual Caesar salad with fat-free Italian dressing and some cheese.

The manager Michela is such a doll! The staff she has on hand, oh my god, so dreamy. I could melt.

But they're too young, and I could never get myself caught up in a relationship like that; they say that statically boys that age aren't ready to commit, and I can't afford to have a gold-digging boyfriend. I need a man.

08:23:56

I light lavender and mint candles in my living room and sit down to flick on the Big Bang Theory. The clock strikes 8:30 PM, and I look at the door; no one is there.

I smiled brightly and opened my Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream pint because my mom said this was the best, and I could never disrespect my mom.

I take a scoopful and put the lid back on. I stand up with a bright smile and skip back to my fridge. I place it back in the freezer under the Monday section. There was a soft knock on the door; I jumped up excitedly. I race over to the door to open it for my guests...

And... no one is there.

Just a letter.

10:34:56

I'm in my blue silk robe as I wrap myself up in my 1000ct cotton sheets made from 100% lamb far, faux, of course, because I could never hurt an animal.

I had my head on my knees as I looked over at the box of letters that someone was always leaving me.

Freak. Weirdo. Too positive. Loser. Barbie.

But I like being happy; I like being positive! I enjoy helping people! I love my job, my life; I'm so happy!

Why... Why doesn't anyone like me?

I sigh to myself, wrapping myself tighter in a ball. Having an hour's cry before I lay myself to rest. And that ends my Monday.

And that was the end of my Monday... And it repeats itself on Tuesday, next Thursday, three Saturdays from, and a random Sunday in August.

I get up early, stretch, shower, brush my hair and my teeth, pick the perfect outfit, smile, smile, smile, great everyone, give ideas, volunteer, invite people to my watch party happily, stop at Dixie's, try and flirt but fail, and...

Then no one comes to the party...

Then the mean letter...

Then I cry for an hour and go to sleep.

I repeat this in August, October, and December.

I repeat this on Christmas, New Year's, and Valentine's Day.

I repeat this same cycle... every... single day.

For the past six years, I've repeated the same cycle: get up, go to work, go home. Be a good person, rinse, and repeat. And I will repeat the same cycle until I die. And when I die... What will my movie be like?

Blank walls, empty promises, fake smiles, forced happiness. Nothing.

And if my life is filled with nothing, what's the point of continuing? Why put me through the same cycle until I die? What's my meaning? What's my purpose?

And if I don't have those... why am I doing this?

Why am I doing anything?

My eyes shot open, and my chest loosened under my yellow silk top. I take some heavy, deep breaths, running a hand through my hair. What the hell am I doing? I swallowed hard as I rubbed my hands over my cheeks, tear-strained.

I stood up slowly from my bed. My feet plopped on the ground as I waddled to the bathroom. I flicked on the light and gripped the sink. I looked up and met eyes with a drained and repressed soul.

I swallowed hard and shook my head as I leaned down to splash water on my face. What am I doing? What am I doing?

I took a few deep breaths before looking up at the mirror again. I bite my lip hard and push back from the sink. I walked back into my bedroom; tall windows, canopy bed, dark maple wood furniture, softest matters with a million bright pillows, my aromatherapy machine, and a dehumidifier/air purifier combination.

Why am I unhappy? What am I thinking?

I swallowed hard and walked over to the closet. I wrapped my hands around the handles tightly. I sniffled as I rested my forehead against the door.

I could feel a chill race down my back; I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up as I took a back from the closet. Turning around on the fuzzy socks, I saw the blinking alarm clock. 3:45 AM

I blinked a few times to myself; what are you doing, Talisha? What are you thinking? I rubbed my hands down the front of my silk blouse and looked down at my fee. They were pigeon-toed, so I straightened them out. My curls fell over my face, warming my cheeks as I pushed them back in my perfect pineapple. I sighed deeply as I forced my legs back to my bed.

I sat on the edge of my bed, wrapping my arms around my torso. The night sky filled with lavender swirls and blinding lights, but I already knew that.

I wish I could see the moon. I love the moon... I love the stars.

The city is too bright for both of those.

I smiled softly as I laid myself down on my left side because falling asleep on the left was easier. What the fuck does it matter? I pushed myself back up off the bed.

"Fuck it," I mumbled, stomping to my closet and whipping it open. I raced over to the island in the middle with a glass case over it. I punched in the code and grabbed my iPhone from underneath. I opened it up and scrolled through my contacts.

I tapped the number I was looking for, holding the phone up to my ear as I waited for the person to pick up,

"...Hello?"

"Hello, Mr. Taylor. I quit." I hung up and flipped the call to the other number.

The phone picked up, "Talisha, it's very late. The market doesn't open until 8 AM tomorrow, and I'll call and give an update on your stocks on that point," The woman's groggy voice echoed.

"Hello, Ms. Days, I need to close my account." I deadpanned, phone tight in hand.

"And what are the reasons for the account closure?" She asked in shock, the sound of typing and idle chatter in the background.

"I'm moving. I'll pick everything up tomorrow," I reassured her with a smile. I swallowed hard, forcing the smile away. She took a deep breath and continued typing on the computer.

"I'll make a note on the computer. Your money will be at the front, just ask for me." Her voice was light but filled with sorrow. Don't want her to be sad... Why am I?

"Thank you so much Ms. Days, I'll see you first thing tomorrow morning." I hang up the phone with her and turn back to my closet. I felt vibrating in my hand and saw Mr. Taylor's information on my screen.

I walked out of the room and back into my bathroom; the sink was the closest, so I dropped it in and flipped the water on high. I walked back to my closet and started to prepare a small bag of essentials.

No more rat race, no more endless cycle. No more people rejecting me. No more hope. But no more despair. No more selflessness.

Just chasing the end.

I'm gonna look back on my life and say, 'Holy shit, she lived a great fucking life!' even if I die trying. At least I tried.