Anna

Chapter 3

Mirror

“We will be together forever”.

With this phrase in my mind, I woke up on the floor of my room, surrounded by a strange twilight. It was neither night nor day and the air was almost cold. The colors had lost their intensity and now showed different shades of pale gray.

"Follow the path I have prepared for you".

The order that pierced my mind.

I didn't flinch, feeling absolutely nothing. I was like a hole in my chest that was expanding.

I only realized when I stood up that I was clean but mostly without clothes. Not that it mattered to me, since I hated fabrics. At least I no longer had vomit and mucus on me.

The bedroom door was half open, as was the window, where the air filtered cold enough to make me shiver a little.

I left the room and found myself in the corridor, but it was different. It was long, it seemed endless, and the lighting seemed strange, unnatural. The walls, full of pictures with family photos, repeated and were blurry.

"Walk ... walk ... walk, never stop".

I automatically obeyed and began to take my first steps with determination.

By now I had surrendered to the pain and therefore I could only follow orders. Seeking purpose, finding myself was my only hope, even if I didn't know it yet. At the time I was guided only by the pure survival instinct.

I was like in a doll's house, with infinite and identical rooms.

From time to time I opened a few doors, moved by weak curiosity and saw strange shapes and images flowing in a multitude of colors that stood out against the pale gray of the surrounding environment.

Fire, darkness, death, monsters, dolls, teddy bears and fabric dinosaurs. Everything was immersed in enormous chaos.

There was no one to blame, if not just myself. I wanted to celebrate as soon as I found what I was looking for, but at the moment I was just lost in that endless dream.

Walk… walk… keep walking. Do not stop. Don't turn around. Do not come back. I have to find my secret friend, I have to confess my sin to her.

At catechism we were taught that each of us was born with sin within us. I made no distinction and now I had demonstrated its essence. I needed my best friend to atone for it. My secret friend.

“Pain is your home… come on, join me”.

I kept walking, occasionally scouring a room, but I proceeded as if on autopilot, enchanted by those words. My arms were paralyzed along my body, which I usually loved to wave frantically. Now there was no more love.

Only anger and pain. But stuck, deep in my stomach, unable to make me fight. The bond seemed unbreakable and I surrendered to those words.

Come with me.

I walked and walked, explored endless rooms and peered into windows overlooking nowhere, but I couldn't find my special friend.

Honestly I should have been afraid of her but I couldn't feel anything anymore.

I had fragmented into different pieces and in the house of the mirror, in the infinity of those rooms, I had met three different selves.

Anna jumping happily, with soft toys in her hand. This was my lost happiness and I tried in vain to grab her hand. She escaped me like a gazelle.

Anna crying and screaming, because she could not make herself understood in words or she did not get what she wanted. This was my anger and despair, what gave me the strength to force myself to fight against the injustices that I suffered or at least that I believed to be such. And as before I tried to grab or hug her, but nothing, because she vanished into the smoke, flying out the window.

Finally, Anna inventing endless stories, playing with her grandfather.

In front of that scene I paralyzed for a few interminable seconds, then I fell to the ground, still unable to move.

With enormous willpower, I made an arc in the air with my leg and hit the half-open door of the room with my foot, shutting it with a push.

I remained on the ground for a long time, as if immersed in a dream within a dream. I was shaking but no longer from the cold. I felt an empty chest ache and something cold, heavy and strong metallic smelling hit the ground, coming out of the center of my stomach.

I knew very well what it was. I had seen it secretly in the films that mum watched sometimes in the evening, while she assumed that I was sleeping. It was a small gun.

I felt it with my right hand, feeling smooth and hard, as well as strangely colder than I expected.

I finally found the strength to move and grabbed it; it seemed made for me and I strangely knew how to use it. It wasn't heavy and it was handy.

Suddenly a thought struck me like a flash and I decided to retrace my steps. I walked for a few seconds, but time did not make sense there, so hours could also pass.

When I got to the door that hid Happy Anna, I opened it without hesitation and pointed the gun at myself who never stopped having fun.

"Good. I see that we have finally understood. It's my gift to you. Now shoot her in the head and put an end to this ”. My friend's voice had returned and she whispered these words softly.

I was standing at the door of the open door and I felt my head explode. I hated seeing myself that way. I hated seeing myself happy. I hated myself with all my heart. I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve anything.

Making everything disappear was the only solution.

Then I aimed the gun and without hesitation pulled the trigger. I immediately hit the target, right on the forehead of the little girl, who fell to the ground, finally remaining motionless.

I took deep breaths and then I felt the approval of the one who was guiding my steps.

I walked on and came to the next door, the one of anger and despair.

The smoke had recomposed itself, returning to give shape to that hateful Anna. Yes, I hated her. Then I raised the gun again and pointed it at her forehead. She kept crying. My hug, the one I had wanted to give her, became a metal bullet in her skull. She too fell to the ground suddenly, with a dull thud.

The blood began to spread like wildfire on the dark floor, dyeing each tile in scarlet. Pain had that color. The sense of guilt had that smell. The weight I was carrying had that flavor.

"Well, now the last room is missing. Let's close this story and you will finally be free ”.

I left the room and following orders like an automaton, I retraced my steps again, stopping behind the last closed door.

I couldn't open it. Before, I had hardly closed it, paralyzed with terror.

I grabbed the handle and swallowing, pushed down, snapping the lock.

The same scene as before appeared in front of me: the other Anna and her grandfather playing, inventing stories.

I hesitated.

I hesitated and trembled.

Seeing each other happy together brought back almost lost memories. My heart gripped my throat and the pistol dangled to the right side of my side, my arm holding it almost limp.

Pain, real and intense pain. I could hug him, feel him and touch him. It came out of my chest and made my heart beat again.

"What are you doing? Shoot it, so it will be over and you will stop suffering. "

I didn't listen to the voice.

I didn't want to listen to anyone anymore.

For a long time I had been told what was right or wrong in what I did. For some time I had been forced to behave in a certain way, but only when I was with my grandfather could I really be myself.

In front of me now there was all this. How could I have made it disappear? How would I stop suffering like this?

And maybe suffering wasn't wrong.

Step by step, slowly, I approached my grandfather, but he couldn't see me. He played and laughed with the other me.

"He died. And you know it's your fault. You knew it was going to happen and you didn't do anything. You let him die. So you die too! ”.

The voice was angry.

I ignored her because I was busy looking into my grandfather's blue eyes. They were clear, intense and deep.

The emptiness in my chest disappeared and I understood.

I fell to my knees, let go of the gun and cried.

I cried for a long time, endless tears that could have flooded the whole room, like in Alice in Wonderland, one of my favorites.

I hugged my chest and continued sobbing for a long time, while the festive air around me continued.

It was only when silence fell that I looked up. I could see badly from tears and my nose was running.

In front of me was myself in the mirror, without a face. She was on her knees and in a way she was watching me, if that could be said.

"So you understand?".

With a sob, I finally spoke: «Yes… I couldn't do anything. The flames were already lit ... I could not put them out. "

The other nodded.

“What are you going to do now? I can't get you out. "

I didn't answer.

We both burst out laughing.

A hearty, hearty laugh, the sound of which I had almost forgotten.

Crying and laughing, we grabbed the gun in unison. Me with the right and she with the left.

I finally saw her face. My reflection was back as before. My friend had come out of the eclipse I had inflicted on her, burying myself.

She forced me to point a pistol on her forehead and smiling, she said aloud: "Break the mirror, it's the only way out. I can't do anything else. "

I didn't fully understand but before I could say or do anything, she pulled the trigger and pressed my fingers.

No blood came out of her forehead; both flung backward from her blow, I fell on my back and saw a golden light unravel from her and a deafening noise of glass cracking, which almost hurt my ears. I put my hands on it and closed my eyes.

I woke up on the floor, next to my vomit, still wearing the dress of the day before and it was almost dawn, because the red rays of the sun filtered through the window with the curtains drawn together.

Rising slowly, I stood in front of the mirror, to make sure everything was okay. It only returned my reflection, nothing else.

At that point I took off my dirty clothes, staying in my tank top and underpants and ran to my mother's room.

I climbed slowly onto the bed; she slept soundly.

I hugged her and waited for her to wake up.

Seeing me, she didn't seem surprised.

She smiled at me, then we both start crying sweet tears.