The Magic That Lived Inside Me

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live” - Albus Dumbledore

This is My story and how the Harry Potter series had a hand in saving my life.

Growing up it was just me and my mom. She was a wonderful mother when I was little. I say now that she was a great mom when it “mattered”, meaning when I was a little kid developing into myself and my personality and learning what was right and what was wrong. But when I was a teenager she changed….she began to struggle with mental health issues and my life changed quite quickly.

I started reading Harry Potter just after Order of the Phoenix came out, so in 2003 when I was 17 years old. I was at Borders, right next to where my mom worked. Some days I would hang out there while she worked her full 8 hour shift and I’d have lunch with her. I’m sure those Borders employees wondered what the hell was up with me; a teenager hanging out in their store the whole day. But hey I was good and quiet, and at least I cleaned up after myself, I never just left books places. Anyways, I started reading Harry Potter. Before I even picked it up I wasn’t sure if I would like it because “everyone” was into it, and I usually went against the crowd. But I was curious so I decided to give these thick, beautiful hardback sleeve covers with “Harry Potter” embossed at the top, books a try. From the moment I opened that first chapter, I was hooked. I read all 5 books in a month.

For the next 5 years Harry Potter became the light in my darkness. Harry Potter’s world became what I lost myself in when everything else around me was falling apart. My mom became more mentally ill, and my life changed in not good ways. Within that 5 years Half Blood Prince came out, and I think I’ve read that book more than all the others because my mom’s illness didn’t allow for very many “new” things to come into the house, and we were stuck in the middle of a move for 2 years, so my other books were packed away just as long.

Over the next 5 years after that…things did not improve in my life. But Deathly Hallows came out, and once again I submerged myself in a world with which I wished I could go and live and never come back to this world. My first time reading DH, when Harry “died” I very vividly remember pausing and looking up and across the living room to the front windows, not really seeing. My heart was either pounding or stopped altogether. I do remember it was sunny outside…and I started bawling. I couldn’t believe he died! Of course we all know just a few pages later he came back, BUT I had no idea, I had no access to computers at the time for any possible spoilers.

Within that time I became increasingly depressed and suicidal. I didn’t want to live anymore. What was the point? The Harry Potter universe was literally the only thing I looked forward to and held onto. We were broke, my mother had her issues, we ended up having to live with my grandparents because otherwise we’d be homeless…and I was now 26 years old…I should have my own life at this point. But alas, my mother’s illness was trapping me.

As I was nearing what I thought was the end of my rope, I made a few last frantic grasps at a way out of the situation I was in. I contacted a couple people I knew to see if I could get out of this house, get a job, and get on my own two feet. Within the next 6 months I went through a Floo-powder type whirlwind of events and emotions…some good, some bad, some wonderful, some terrible, but I was able to get out from under my mother’s control and get my own life. All while still hanging onto the light Harry Potter’s world brought me…I was never alone because the Wizarding World and its Magic lived inside me.

I am now 37 years old…it’s been 10 years (too bad I can’t yet copy “19 years later”). It took me a long time to heal…I’m still healing. I still have my demons and I still struggle with depression. I am not however, suicidal anymore. My best friend came into my life when I was 27, freshly getting on my feet and experiencing the world properly and got my first job (at Barnes and Noble by the way, quite fitting if you know me). He was also going through his own shit and we kind of saved each other. He’s still my bestie.

Seven years ago I met a man…who is now my husband. We got married last year in 2022. I’m sure you can guess, we had a Harry Potter and Warhammer themed wedding…thankfully he likes Harry Potter too, but not quite as much as me. He’s a huge Warhammer and Dungeons and Dragons player. My bridesmaids were dressed in their Hogwarts colors (my bestie was my bridesmen) and my husband’s groomsmen were the four Chaos Gods. It was wonderful. It was truly the most magical and perfect day of my life… so far.

I have a good job, I have wonderful friends, my relationship with my mother is improving, and I’ve learned to cut the toxic people out. My husband and I are planning to expand our little family very soon.

I am still a huge Harry Potter fan/nerd/geek/lover…whatever you want to call me. I eat, sleep and breathe the Wizarding World. Even to this day I find that running my fingers across the embossed “Harry Potter” comforting. I truly do not know what I would have done if I didn’t have the World of Harry Potter to escape in, all those years ago.

I would like to close My story out with one last thing. Please note I absolutely do NOT support JK Rowling and her absurd views. I am greatly disappointed to know that someone who I looked up to and admired, feels the way she does about our fellow humans who are just trying to live, love, and be themselves. Isn’t that what Harry Potter inadvertently taught us? To love everyone no matter who you are or where they came from?

“You fail to recognize that it matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be!” - Albus Dumbledore