Joseph and Bathsheba

I don't always read the Bible, but when I do, I read the King James Version.

In gospel discussions, one of the things that fries my bacon is when people compare David and Bathsheba with Joseph and Zulaikha (Potiphar's wife). They insist on comparing David with Joseph. They are not the same. Not at all.

David is the King of Israel. Joseph is a slave in a eunuch's house. David is the instigator, and Joseph is the victim.

In which case, it makes more sense to compare Joseph with Bathsheba, as they are both victims. Except, if you're familiar with the Bible, you know that there is precious little information about how Bathsheba felt about being preyed upon as a sexual victim. For all we know, she was making eyes at David from her rooftop as she bathed and was pleased to be called forth by David. We do not know her side of the story. There is one thing we know. David had plenty of tools in his arsonal to blackmail her into doing whatever he wanted. Her father was one of David's elite fighters, so was her husband, and her grandfather was one of his councillors. If David threatened to remove her family from their positions, they would be ruined. It's pretty legit leverage for the trap to work. Actually, there is very little information about her character until David is at the point of death and she intervenes in court politics to ensure that Solomon is made king in his father's stead. She was pretty serious about that. Otherwise, her journey from being Uriah's wife, to being the King's favorite wife, to being the mother of the new king is left to the reader's imagination.

Joseph's story is more detailed. The story explains how sexual harassment/sexual assault is a trap. Once someone has been zeroed in on by someone in power, there is no winning. That's why it has worked for so many people for so many years. It's because it's blackmail. If he sleeps with Zulaikha and he is discovered, he's dead. Sleeping with her once could result in a pregnancy, and that absolutely must not be because Potiphar is a eunuch, so it's not like she could giggle and say it was her husband's baby. If he refuses her, he goes to jail.

Also, like many victims of sexual misconduct, Joseph knows that there is a problem with his boss's wife. He's been avoiding her. By the time we arrive at the climax of their small story, she is screaming at him and pulling on his clothes. As described in the Book of Jasher, Zulaikha previously sat with her friends, cutting apricots, chatting about how brutally hot Joseph was. Apparently, she and her friends were so distracted by his good looks that they cut themselves with their paring knives. This means that there probably wasn't a servant in the household who didn't know Zulaikha had it out for Joseph. When he runs naked from the house after Zulaikha tore his clothes, I like to imagine that we have a little Mulan moment, like when Mulan says, "I never want to see a naked man again." Then the whole army runs by her, buck naked. Yeah, I like to imagine that Joseph ran out of the house, and a small host of maids see him before he gets covered, and the whole group swoons and swears they'll never be satisfied by another man. But that's just because I'm a comedy writer and I'm wired that way. In reality, I'm always impressed by accounts of real people who are undeterred by the fact that they're naked and get stuff done anyway.

In the end, Zulaikha's story about Joseph trying to seduce her makes no sense. Everyone in the household knows it. So, why is Joseph punished instead of her? Simple. He's a slave. She's a princess. Zulaikha is the daughter of the King of Mauretania. Potiphar cannot punish her without bringing the wrath of her family down on him. This is how power works. She has known from the beginning that she can do whatever she wants because she was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, and no one can take it away.

Joseph goes to jail. Rough.

As we go further into Joseph's story, the themes are revenge, prophecy, trickery, and forgiveness. It's pretty epic. Practically Shakespeare. Of course, Shakespeare loved the Bible. However, notice how lust is not among the themes.

Back to David. He wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth, but he who has the army makes the rules. Or, he who kills a lion while he's watching sheep makes the rules. Or, he who kills the champion of the Philistines' army with a pebble makes the rules. David was a legend in his own time, but he must have thought he was tired, so he wasn't with his army on that fateful night when he saw Bathsheba bathing. It was a common practice for people to bathe on their rooftops at that time, and he had a palace that overlooked the city. So, David knew everyone was out bathing, and he went to go take a look. He's the King, so they don't call him a Peeping Tom, but that was what he was doing. Everyone has their vices, and no one said David was perfect. It's just a pity that such a small thing could break someone so mighty.

The best thing about the story of David and Bathsheba is the allegory of the Prophet Nathan about the ewe lambs. If you haven't read it, it is amazing. It is in 2 Samuel 12. It will make your heart bleed.

To end, the story of David contains more of the elements of a traditional tragedy, while Joseph's story is more like an epic. Anywhoo, if you want to compare David and Joseph, they do have one thing in common. Both of them had older brothers who thought they were friggin' annoying.