How ‘The Rules’ Gave Me Better Self Esteem

When I was younger I had problems getting dates. I kept watching everyone around me coupling up and it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I’m kind of an open book when it comes to my feelings, so my friends and family would often see me moping about it. They’d dispense advice like that old Supremes song. You can’t hurry love…

I wasn’t a total pariah. I’d occasionally catch someone’s interest, maybe hang out with them a little on romantic terms, but then I’d ruin it by being too eager to couple up. Apparently that pushes people away.

I remember the first time in middle school that the tables were turned. It happened at the eighth grade end of the year dance. A boy was willing to dance with me and I was so excited just to be asked to dance at all. He could have been a sentient coat rack for all I cared! I had been chosen!

He asked for my phone number and I gave it to him because I assumed that’s what you are supposed to do. I forgot to ask myself if I was really interested in this guy. I was just caught up in the excitement of being desirable. Unfortunately, that’s just how girls are socialized.

Then he called me and arranged a date. He wanted to have a picnic of fried baloney sandwiches and see Batman Forever. This was the summer of 1995. Seal’s single from the movie soundtrack, Kiss from a Rose was considered very romantic.

I didn’t want to go on the date, but I felt trapped. He was really excited and I worried about hurting his feelings, so I made excuses. I said “no thanks” in the nicest way possible. I thought maybe he’d get tired of calling me and give up. When it seemed he wasn’t getting the picture, I raised my voice and said some unkind things.

The problem was that he was being socialized to be persistent and I was being socialized to be agreeable regardless of how I actually felt. It was a recipe for disaster. I broke the guy’s heart. I also failed to make the connection between being on the receiving end of unrequited ‘love’ and having my ‘love’ unrequited.

Real love is rare. Most of the time you’ll swing and miss. And that’s okay! You can move on and keep your head high. There is nothing “wrong” with you. I wish I had known that!

In high school it only got worse because of course it did, it's high school! I was a theater kid. They are a very touchy feely group. I wasn’t getting any action though. As an adult, I realize that was probably for the best, but teen me was dying inside.

College was the same story. No hope for love and no prospects. My dad must have seen me moping around when I came home for Fall break. The next care package I received had a copy of The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.

I don’t remember the actual rules, so I am paraphrasing here. The book helps its female readers learn how to suppress their assertiveness, become a version of themselves that appeals more to men. The word “capturing” in the subtitle should give you an impression that some trickery is involved.

Also, I’d argue that men are not all the same, just as women are not all the same. Gender has nuances that I’m not sure the authors of the rules would understand. To be fair, at the time I didn’t understand it either and I’m still learning.

I always thought that when true love happens, you get to be yourself. I don’t want to have to pretend to be someone else all the time. What a miserable thing to do. It’s miserable for the person maintaining a false personality and miserable for the person who is in love with a mirage.

I sat around with my friends discussing the contents of the book one night and we all came to the conclusion that it was bullshit. The feminine energy was palpable. We had created our own little anti book club in honor of the worst advice we’d ever read. One thing led to another and suddenly I was ripping out the pages and tearing them into little pieces.

I don’t condone destroying books, but for this one I make an exception. It was actually a very cathartic experience.

I don’t think my dad meant any harm in sending me this book. He just saw that his daughter was unlucky in love and wanted to help. When I told him I disagreed with it, he said something like, “I’m not surprised. You’re a very independent thinker.” He understood where I was coming from.

The old adage is true. The minute you stop worrying about finding a mate is when you display the confidence and wholeness that makes you a great partner. No trickery. No games. Just mutual love and respect.

Unfortunately, there is no secret or rules to follow. You can’t force it and it can take a long time to find it, but everybody deserves love. If you are lucky enough to fall in love, cherish it! You won the lottery!