Accelerators and Brakes

When it comes to understanding sexual cravings and relationships, we all face unique challenges based on our past experiences. For those who have endured trauma, these challenges can be particularly complex and difficult to manage.

In my own post-trauma healing journey, I've struggled to understand why my physical desires are often elusive, inconsistent, or at odds with what I believe they should be. Distraught with the effects trauma continued to impose upon my romantic life even after escaping my abuse, I carried a hefty burden of guilt, confusion, and self-judgment.

It was on a search for answers and support that I stumbled upon Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. The book’s compassionate and non-judgmental approach made me feel safe and understood beginning right from the Table of Contents.

Nagoski’s expertise and research on the science of sexuality helped me gain a new perspective on my own desires and understand that they are valid and unique to me. It was a revelation to learn that our sexual selves are influenced by a multitude of factors, including past experiences and daily stressors.

After struggling for years with my sexual appetite (or lack thereof) and my relationship with intimacy, this compelling and well-researched account made me feel intrigued, hopeful, and, dare I say, excited.

I’d love to share a few ways this book has empowered me to engage in more meaningful conversations about sex. It's been a wonderful resource to help my partner and I find a shared language around sex and limits, bringing us closer together.

If you’d like a preview before committing to a whole book, you can find the free worksheets and questionnaires that accompany it here on Nagoski’s website. As you’ll see, they could be great to do as a reflection on your own, or with a partner!

If you end up hooked as I did, I highly recommend this fantastic workbook to go along with your reading. My partner got it for me as a gift after I raved to them nonstop about the book. We’ve been going through about a section a week, and believe me when I tell you it has been such an emotional and physical experience. It has led to my partner borrowing my copy of “Come As You Are” and writing copious notes to discuss with me.

There’s nothing hotter than a partner telling you they want to read the book you’re enjoying in order to better understand your pleasure, am I right?

Acknowledging the Impact of Trauma

Trauma has a profound effect on our emotional, psychological, and physical well-being, including our sexuality. For years, I struggled to comprehend the connection between my traumatic experiences and their influence on my desires, arousal, and overall sexual experience. “Come As You Are” provided me with the validation I needed to recognize that my reactions were not uncommon or abnormal. It helped me understand that trauma can significantly shape our sexual responses and desires and it’s essential to approach ourselves and our partners with compassion and curiosity.

Embracing the Science of Desire

Nagoski delves into the science behind sexual desire, challenging societal norms and misconceptions. She explores the intricate interplay of psychological, biological, and sociocultural factors that shape our sexuality.

Throughout the book, I gained a deeper understanding of how desire operates, and it allowed me to reframe my own experiences within a more compassionate and informed context. It gave me a solid understanding of triggers and how your body’s stress response reduces your libido. I also appreciated the strong emphasis on education about sex as a tool for understanding our health and wellness.

Unpacking the Language

As someone who went through puberty in the Midwest and received a public school sex education that was… less than robust, I found myself at a huge disadvantage when it came to “real world” relationships. A result of this lack of proper sexual education was that I was left incredibly vulnerable when it came to things like understanding consent and creating healthy boundaries. I simply didn’t have the right tools to communicate my needs or understand their importance.

One of the most valuable aspects of “Come As You Are” is the way it provided an easy language surrounding sexuality, pleasure, and sexual safety. Nagoski offers practical tools and strategies to communicate effectively with our partners, fostering a safe space for open conversations about our needs, boundaries, and triggers. The author introduces concepts like the dual control model, sexual brakes and accelerators (an analogy that’s been a monumental topic of conversation with my partner), and the context of sexual experience.

With this newfound language, I was able to better articulate and communicate my needs and boundaries to my partner. It fostered a safe space for open and honest conversations, promoting understanding, empathy, and a deeper connection between us. This newfound ability to express myself authentically and without shame has been nothing short of life-changing in my relationship.

Cultivating Mindfulness and Self-Compassion

Although I logically know I am not to blame, the traumatic sexual experiences I’ve endured surrounding still evoke feelings of shame, humiliation, naivety, and anxiety. These experiences also contributed to my diagnosis of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. As Nagoski points out in her book, feelings of stress reduce feelings of desire because stress indicates a threat to survival.

“Come As You Are” encourages the practice of mindfulness and self-compassion as essential tools for fostering a healthier relationship with, and awareness of, our own bodies and desires. It provided practical exercises and techniques that helped me connect with my own needs, preferences, and boundaries. The workbook has continued to provide helpful insights and activities for myself and my partner to understand the differences in our libidos and what affects them.

By cultivating self-awareness and self-compassion, I am building and reinforcing the confidence to communicate my desires openly with my partner without shame or guilt.

Establishing Consent and Boundaries

One of the most profound changes in my relationship has been the improvement in communication and connection with my partner. Armed with the insights from the book, we embarked on a journey of open and honest conversations about our desires, boundaries, and fantasies. “Come As You Are” gave us a shared language to navigate the complexities of our sexualities, fostering a deeper sense of understanding, empathy, and mutual respect.

Trauma can have a lasting impact on our ability to establish and communicate boundaries. “Come As You Are” emphasized the importance of consent, autonomy, and creating a safe environment for sexual exploration. This not only gave me valuable insights into my own journey but also helped me foster empathy and understanding for my partner. Through Nagoski’s guidance, I gained a deeper appreciation for the unique experiences and desires we each bring to our intimate connection.

By prioritizing open communication, active consent, and respect for each other’s boundaries, my partner and I were able to create a foundation of trust and safety in our intimate experiences. This shift has been instrumental in rebuilding my confidence, reclaiming agency over my body, and fostering a healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationship.

Continued Growth and Healing

Healing from trauma is an ongoing journey, and “Come As You Are” has become a valuable resource that accompanies me in this process. It reminds me that progress is nonlinear, and that self-compassion is vital in navigating the complexities of trauma and sexuality. By integrating the knowledge and insights from this book into my life, I’ve embarked on a path of continued growth, self-discovery, and healing. It has empowered me to embrace my unique desires, understand my own needs, and foster a more fulfilling and intimate connection with my partner.

This book has truly been a life-changing resource. Its compassionate, empowering, and research-supported approach to understanding trauma’s impact on sexuality has not only transformed my relationship but also provided me with invaluable tools to navigate my own healing journey.

Armed with the knowledge and tools provided by Nagoski, I am welcoming a newfound sense of liberation and authenticity in my sexual experiences. By embracing the language and concepts presented in the book, I’ve gained a deeper understanding of myself and developed a stronger bond with my partner. I have learned to listen to my body, honor my boundaries, and prioritize self-care. By shedding societal expectations and embracing my own unique desires, I am reclaiming agency over my sexuality and experiencing profound joy, pleasure, and fulfillment.

Whether you’re someone who has experienced trauma and wants to explore the connections between trauma and sexual desire, or if you just want to know more about sex and relationships, I wholeheartedly recommend diving into the pages of “Come As You Are”.

Subscribe in one click to receive your FREE digital copy of my new guided journal, “Empower and Heal: 90 Days of Transformational Prompts for Trauma Recovery, Self-Discovery, and Growth”, delivered straight to your inbox!Veronica Wren

Trauma Recovery Book Club

Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

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