Life Is A Beach

I should have called this 'How To Find The Best Natural Mudpack For your Body, Totally Free.' Read on to the end and you'll see what I mean.

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I don't know about everybody else, but when I go to the beach I always try to find a nice quiet spot where I can stretch out on my beach towel under a parasol and read a good book. I know it sounds anti-social, but it's how I roll. After a week of hard at work, I just want to get away from it all.

There was one beach in particular I used to go to, only half an hour from my home. Then the developers moved in and ruined it for me. They built very expensive apartments and a few shopping malls. Then the council moved in and put parking meters all around the resort. From there it just got worse.

Tannoys were placed along miles of beach, and then the fun started. Throughout the entire day, there were various announcements disturbing the peace.

"Bing bong, bing bong, ladies and gentlemen it is nine o'clock in the morning. The water temperature is xyz degrees, the wind speed is seven knots and it is going to be stinking hot all day.

At midday, there will be a children's theatrical animation, please don't be late. At the same time, for senior citizens, we have a session of line dancing. For teenagers, there will be an afternoon disco. For the ladies, there will be an interactive knitting class. And for people with pet dogs, there will be a fetch the stick from out of the sea competition. Bing bong, bing bong."

Then, undercutting all of this nonsense they put signs up at the top of the path down onto the sand. The sign gave a very long list of what you could and could not do on the beach. "No dogs, ball games, surfing, frisbees, picnics, loud conversations, semi-nude sunbathing, eating, drinking soft drinks or beer, reading a book..." and so on and so forth. They listed every single activity that people go to the beach for. It was like a strict holiday camp for people who were prepared to just sit and be miserable all afternoon because of all the things they were forbidden from doing.

And the biggest laugh of all was at the bottom of the list the sign said "Please remember, the beach is for everybody." Going off the list it was for nobody. They just wanted to get people off the beach into paid-for activities at their activity facility.

In the end, I had to stop going there, it was like Colditz. I did get lucky and found a fantastic beach miles and miles away which you had to drive to, no public transport allowed. No commercial businesses either. Best of all, to get to the best part of the beach you had to do a bit of rock climbing and dicing with the incoming tide. Only the hardiest of souls could get anywhere near the place.

Then right at the end, there was a nudist part with an amazing natural swimming pool full of the Atlantic Ocean. There was also a rock face with shale at the bottom. A handful of shale and some seawater in a plastic bag, crushed with a big stone, made a great totally natural mudpack. People used to plaster the stuff all over their bodies and ended up looking like greeny-grey aliens. Then they lay in the sun to bake the mixture dry, whilst admiring the view over the sea to the Atlas mountains of Morocco.

Once dry, a skinny dip in that natural pool to wash it all off, and you end up with your skin totally exfoliated and smooth as a newborn baby's bottom. Now that is what I call living. However, there were one or two little twists to deal with.

Coming out of the pool, stark bollock naked, I rounded a big rock only to bump into a female client and her brother. Embarrassed? I did not know whether to turn and run or just pretend that it was all perfectly normal to meet somebody I knew in that way. In the end, I just concentrated on her face and the chat. But I could see she was grinning from one side of her face to the other. Oh well, all in a day's work, as they say.

Another thing that annoyed everybody was some big fat, old-age European guy who stood and stared at everybody tutting and muttering under his breath "Disgusting, absolutely disgusting." I really wanted to tell him that if he was so offended why could he not tear himself away from staring at everybody? Why not shut up and keep your filthy narrow-minded thoughts to yourself, or better still, just piss off out of it.

To end on a positive note, I did find a lovely private area behind some rocks. And I was only disturbed twice; once by some hippy-looking guy who offered me a nice cold beer in exchange for a light for his joint of weed. And two gorgeous young ladies who just came around the rock and sat next to me, to ask me where was a good place to go to dine that evening.

Now here's the thing, further down the beach everybody wore a costume and they all looked like they were trying to outshine each other with who among them had the most fashionable costume. The nudists were super cool and simply sat totally naked chatting and having a beer or two. Nudity is a great leveler I found. We were all amongst equals.