It's good for you, they said!

So... you've heard of bad hair days??? Well, let me tell you… they weren’t kidding. Bad hair days… turn out not to be mere figures of speech. Roll up, roll up, roll up, for today’s lesson in what NOT to do…

So where were we? Ah yes…

Yeah, well.....

It seemed so innocent! So simple! My chance to be organic! Just a tiny little snippet in the magazine: treat your hair to an all-natural conditioner...

Well, today's Sunday, our guests have left, I did two loads of laundry yesterday, I dealt with a pile of stuff, it's sunny again after two days of rain, I was feeling extravagant. Plus, what better way to welcome spring than to refresh your weary locks?

All you need, said the article, was a banana and a tablespoon of honey. Mash together. Apply to damp hair, wrap in clingfilm and a towel, leave in for half an hour - instant balm for hair: shiny, silky, happy hair!

Nowhere did it say "PS. Do not try this at home"

There wasn't even an asterisk leading to a disclaimer in tiny print, to say "Warning. This tip was provided by a sadist. Only recommended for bald people"!

So I did. Take a banana and honey, I mean (though I fretted a little at wasting an entire tablespoon of glorious honey, but hey, all in a good cause. Right?) Mashed it. Applied to hair. Slightly mushy, but that's what you'd expect, right? Clingfilmed and towelled.

Went and sat in sunshine for half an hour.

Removed towel. Removed clingfilm. Stepped into shower.

Now, banana is nice and mushy and slippery, right? So it should simply slide out of hair, right?

Wrong.

Banana, let me tell you, turns out to be glue.

No, not glue.

Cement.

Think of bad knot day.

Now multiply by a 100. No, by 1000. No, by every single hair on your head. Several knots. PER hair.

And you know the worst thing about it? You've done this to YOURSELF!!!!! YOU'RE the one to blame!!!!! Aaaaargh!

Shower doesn't budge them.

Comb useless.

Bathtub (drip drip drip across to the bath. Run water. Drip drip drip to room where you know there's some bathfoam. Drip drip drip back to bathroom. Apply liberally to running water.)

Get in bathtub.

Nope.

Banana likes hair.

Whether hair likes banana is a moot point: it's stuck with it.

Apply wadges of shampoo - perhaps the foam will help?

Nope.

Apply fistfuls of conditioner. Better. At any rate, it changes the equation from "absolutely impossible" to a mere "almost impossible"

Mum comes up to knock on bathroom door and ask worriedly whether everything's ok....

Condition. Cooooommmmmmbbb. Wash. Condition....!!!!

An HOUR and a half later....!!!!

Effect? Well, yeah, what hair still remains feels silky.

But that's probably thanks to the half bottle of conditioner required to loosen 'nana grip!

Now to clean up the bathroom, and mop that new lake birthed by my commute between shower and tub…

And... oh, hang on, there's a buzzing in my ear.

Must be a honeybee, come to pay homage to my beehive.

*sigh*!!!!!

(And yes, this really happened. Exactly as described. Well, apart from the final bee. I suspect that in reality she was too busy to come and pay homage to my hair. After all, I imagine bees need a laugh too. So she’d have been buzzing her hive with laughter at the silly human who believed a DIY hair-health article. Bzzz bzzzz bzzzz – I wonder, is that how bees laugh?? At any rate, no, I have no photos to mark my ignominy. And yes, I had long hair then, to make it all the worse. No, I no longer have long hair! :-D )