I CUT MY HAIR OFF

We have all seen those intensely controversial scenes in movies and tv shows where a haircut signifies a major shift in the characters emotional state. Those scenes that unfold where a women is depicted having an emotional breakdown, taking scissors to her own hair in an episode of rage or depression. Accompanied with sad or dramatic music, facing a mirror, tears running down her face and her expression drowning in self hate. Something I’ve only ever seen on a screen shockingly made an appearance in my own life. Never thought I would live out this exact scene at 3am on Sunday morning. Reflecting upon the whole ordeal now, I have myself thinking, was this all just a time bomb waiting to explode? Was there a deeper meaning to it all? Not just the fact that I was heavily drunk and had no whits about me. Was this build up of emotion and anger meant to find its way out of my body? Right now I’m saying yes to all of the above and for some reason don’t regret it at all. It has catalysed new beginnings, initiating an awakening within myself, as well as a new way of viewing my surroundings, the world and others.

I’ve always been an impulsive person, reacting and acting upon emotions in the moment with no regards of consequence. In this very rash case my actions were triggered by a few things. Looking back on the night sober, level headed and in far more of a calm state, I put together, my past mental health struggles, opinions from others, comparison to my sister and also a build up of resentment towards my hairs condition as all possibles reasons why this happened. If I knew of someone who had done this to themselves, I probably would have thought they were crazy, possibly going through a lot, and severely lost. But oddly when it happened to me, I look at the event as quite minor in the grand scheme of everything right now. The world is going through a global pandemic where thousands are sick or have lost their lives, while I’ve just cut off my hair. Sounds a bit pathetic when I put it that way. It will grow back healthy and strong and no doubt I will reflect on this time in years to come and thank myself for starting fresh with healthy hair and no attachment to the past.

Me, being well aware of how important long, shiny and gorgeous hair is for status, beauty and perceptions from others, I cut it off anyway. Or is it just an expectation instilled into the world that women must have long hair to uphold societal standards, if not they are otherwise not being perceived as beautiful and worthy.

I have experienced life through a silent and constant competition with my twin sister. For as long as I can remember there has always been questions along with lines of Who’s the prettier twin? Who’s the smarter twin? Who’s the funnier twin? Along with Who’s the skinner twin? This one was something that has embedded itself into my memory for as long as I can. I never realised growing up the effect that such a simple comparison would have on me in the future and long term stability of my mental health. It’s only now, in my early 20s I not blame, but simply conclude, the hardest time of my life; being my battle with anorexia, bulimia and mental health rehabilitation, a subsequent of this question. Even without trying, internally me and my twin sister both knew we didn’t want to be the ‘bigger one’ so whoever, at each one point was the so called ‘smaller one’ would be the one conquering this inconspicuously toxic battle. The saddest part was, we both knew there was no prize in this concealed strive for superiority. Merely the satisfaction to make the other feel less than was enough motivation. What does it even mean? The ‘bigger’ or ‘smaller’ one, as if we are freakish objects in which friends, family and outsiders could compare free of charge for their own amusement.

Years of unknowingly building my childhood foundations on weight focused behaviour and thoughts set me up for a battle I never prepared for. Anorexia found me and she hit me harder than anything I could imagine. I didn’t even know was an eating disorder was before I experienced mine. On the bright side, I wouldn’t be sitting here today writing this if I didn’t survive one of the most brutal battles with my own body and mind. In saying that the thoughts never leave, but the way in which I view things now and cope with my triggers do. I personally believe that a sick mind will always be sick, but how you learn to understand the way your own mind works separates those who recover and those who sadly do not. This is was I had to do, retrain the way I thought and install new thoughts into my brain. So instead of letting society, family and those around me voice their opinions loud enough to impact my actions anymore, I formed my own. I trusted the process of recovery, it was bloody hard, but it happened, slowly but surely. Today, three years has past since the day I vividly remember weighing myself in at precisely half the body weight I sit at today, and I told myself “today is the day I turn my life around”. I knew it sounded like one of my many attempts at trying to break my downhill spiral, but something hit different that morning. I didn’t sleep the entire night before, I looked in the mirror and saw a walking corpse; a pale skinned, gaunt, exhausted figure in which I had no connection with. I knew I was just merely existing, not living, where my heart could stop at any moment. The scariest thing to hear by doctors is that “one day you might not wake up” and at that point on my life I didn’t even care. I continue to battle with feelings of feeling deserving of this beautiful life we live but in that moment it didn’t even phase me being told that my body could give way on me at any time.

Leading off my own mental health struggles, my perception and confidence issues within myself, as well as my ongoing competition with my twin sister, all of those factors were somehow impactive on this widely impulsive decision. I quite literally cut a physical tie with them all by doing one of the boldest, stupidest yet clarifying things one can do at 3am in the morning. Cutting my hair has weirdly brought me more serenity and ironic growth than anything else this year. By beginning with new growth, myself as a human being has had a chance to start growing in ways I didn’t expect. I have been surprisingly positively reflecting upon my past struggles and reasons as to why I had so much built up emotion, started a new outlook on spirituality and manifesting life goals into the universe, along with one of the biggest decisions to cut off toxic untrustworthy friends. Prior to doing this to myself I relied on friendships as a means to feel wanted and important in the world, however now have released tis could not be more untrue. Self worth comes from how we view ourselves to others, not how others view you. Many of my friends have now stopped speaking to me after they found out what I had done. For this I’m actually not sad, but thankful because I have now weeded out non genuine friends and realised that those who have supported me and made sure I’m ok are those who loyal and authentic, therefore righteous to be apart of my life.

Along with those new growths in my life recently I have widely cut off most of my social media and no longer feel controlled or dependent on such a poisonous system of likes determining self worth. I have been one of those people, not making money of instagram or anything, but used to religiously post photos and go out of my way to get the ‘perfect shot’. Now its as if a switch has been flicked and I no longer find thrill in seeking attention and approval from others. My self esteem doesn’t crave compliments and likes to fuel it anymore. Ultimately, I’ve come to realise that a judgmental society is one of the main reasons people lose their confidence.

Hair is one of the physical assets that society uses to control us. In this sense, the new me has regained control of my hair and it has been a very powerful and fulfilling experience. My past is one of emotional hardship, mental health struggle and suicidal thoughts. Before this experience I didn’t realise the power and amount of energy holds, being a lot more than we think. Now, having physically removed most of that I have metaphorically feel as though I’ve begun exerting a new energy within myself. I now feel strong, confident and vibrant with noting but future positivity heading my way.

Tiana xx