How to Recreate a Simple Victorian Hairstyle

Step 1.

Start your research. Realize, very very quickly, that your hair is no where near long enough to do an accurate portrayal. Upon looking at many photos of Victorian women's ankle length hair, perfectly brushed, briefly feel embarrassed that you cut your hair when it reached your ass, because it was simply to much work. Ponder for a moment how badass Victorian women were for putting up with that much hair on their heads. Then realize they probably spent an hour each day or more brushing, styling, and maintaining their hair, and come to a conclusion that you don't have time for that shit. Decide that maybe being lazy is ok. After all, their necks were probably sore. Or human neck strength has declined over time.

Step 2.

Recover yourself from the rabbit hole you just found yourself in, leave the google images behind, and click on a history website about Victorian women's hair. Realize this source would definitely not have been accepted in any of your college history papers, and decide to read it anyways, because you've graduated and no one can insult your source choices anymore. Ah, the chaotic freedom of true adulthood.

Step 3.

Learn from this website that, as you suspected, patriarchal white men decided it was 'too sexual' for women to wear their hair down past the age of 15 or 16. Realize you have far to few bobby pins to even try to do an up-do, and that you don't care about those sexist standards anyways. Heck, you show your ankle almost daily; might as well be the slut you were meant to be and scandalously wear it down.

Step 4.

Realize Victorian women were rocking the fake-pony over a hundred years ago in the form of false hair pieces woven into complex buns, braids, and more. Then realize like most Victorian women who weren't rolling in the cash that you are far too poor for that.

Step 5.

Discern that side-parts simply didn't exist at that point, and feel kind of proud that you have been bringing back the Victorian aesthetic with your middle part for months. Then feel slightly ashamed that you can't get yours as perfectly centered as these gorgeous Victorian ladies, because your widow's peak refuses to be parted well. Wonder briefly how the Victorian ladies solved this problem.

Step 6.

Comparing your hair volume to the Victorian's, realize your hair suddenly looks thin for the first time in your life. Then read further down the page and realize they saved all the fallen hair from their brushes to pad their styles, and decide there is no way you are committing yourself that fully. Teasing will have to do. You can untangle it later.

Step 7.

Become incredibly grateful that you have hairspray and don't have to use rum, sugar water, brandy, or wax. Once again appreciate how much Victorian women put up with, and become grateful for just a moment that you live in the utter chaos of the year 2020.

Step 7.

After getting up to pee, realize you have just wasted an hour researching and haven't even touched your hair yet. Decide to get started on the hair and just roll with it. No historians of Victorian hairstyles are going to be coming into contact with you anytime soon, so it doesn't really matter.

Step 8.

Wash hair. Use shampoo and conditioner, deciding once again you don't care for historical accuracy when it means egg whites and tea in your hair. You've made an egg white hair mask before, when you were younger and more curious and brave, and the smell haunts you to this day.

Step 9.

Towel dry the hair, and wonder as to the state of Victorian towel's. Ignore Google calling your name and stay focused on the hair.

Step 10.

Ponder how you want to make your hair curly. Decide a curling iron would be closest to heating metal over a fireplace, but then remember you promised yourself to not heat style your hair this month when you burnt yourself last time. Decide you can do a quick Google for no-heat ringlets, hoping you have another option than the time-consuming rag and pin curls your mother used to subject you too. Tears well in your eyes at the memory of your young and sensitive scalp.

Step 11.

Find a strip of fabric to recreate the air-dry curls headband technique you discovered. End up taking a cotton belt from a pair of paper-bag pants. Lay it on your head, about an inch back from the start of the hairline, and realize you look really dumb. Continue on anyways. Secure the belt on one side by putting it into a ponytail with the right side of your middle-parted hair.

Step 12.

Begin wrapping the left side of your hair up and around the belt, mimicking the method you remember your mother using for rag curls. Work in 1 inch sections, wrapping one section around once, then adding another section before wrapping it again. Continue this until you are wrapping a single, large chunk of hair around and around the belt, kind of like you used to wrap your hair around a pencil hoping it would magically make a ringlet. Get the the ends of the hair, and realize you aren't quite sure how putting a hair-tie around the hair-wrapped belt will actually hold the wrapped hair in place. Try anyways, and realize the way the hair significantly loosened is fine, right?

Step 13.

Repeat again on the other half of the hair. Realize this half looks much tighter and neater than the other side. Think for a moment about whether you should do the other side again, but decide you don't really care enough.

Step 14.

Staring at your two strange, hair-wrapped belt pigtails, decide to cross the two tails at the back of your head and up around to the front, and tie them together to form a strange wrapped-hair belt crown. Feel accomplished at your strange creation, which already kind pf resembles a bad recreation of a Victorian updo.

Step 15.

Go do something else while the hair dries. Discover over an hour later your hair is still very, very wet, and reconfirm to yourself that your hair is very thick, no matter what the Victorian ladies would have to say about it. Telling yourself you haven't really been upholding historical accuracy at any point during this process, go and plug in your hair dryer.

Step 16.

Get bored and tired after 30 minutes of blow drying and still damp hair. Look at the clock and realize it's almost 9 pm now anyways. Decide you are just going to sleep in this stylish catastrophe.

Step 18.

Wake up with a neck-ache because you slept on a pile of hair and a pillow. Wonder briefly about the necks of women who sleep in curlers. Vow to never attempt this again, you don't care about beauty anymore.

Step 19.

Release your hair from it belt confines. Discover your hair is really, really curly, and sitting in about 15 tight ringlets around your head. Decide you should be a gutsy Victorian lady and brush out curly hair.

Step 20.

Quickly regret every single decision you have made in your life, when your hair triples in volume and becomes a cloud around you. Wonder why you have learned nothing from brushing your sometimes wavy, sometimes curly hair before. Decide the volume is, actually, probably ok, because you don't have those old wads of hair saved up like the Victorians. Take one hair tie from your wrist, and secure the cloud into a loose ponytail. Smooth the top of the part with a touch of hair spray, because you have awakened the frizz, and twirl a few of the curls around your face to define them before spraying them too.

Step 21.

Realize that your hair now resembles a wig being worn in the House of Lords a bit more than a stunning Victorian lady masterpiece, and wonder if your future lays in Victorian themed drag. You wear it well.