Cliches, Breakups, and Closure.

Angelia Jolie said in interview once, "Usually all my tattoos came at good times. A tattoo is something permanent when you've made a self-discovery, or something you've come to a conclusion about."

I agree with this wholeheartedly. I also realized, because a friend pointed it out to me recently, that I have a pattern of getting tattoos after a breakup. To each their own. In a way, an ironic one, getting a tattoo after a breakup may have been my form of closure. I don't have a favorite, because I think each day symbolizes something new that you need from your body. Some days I wake up and I look at my left wrist that says "i am" and think about what adjective I'll need for the day. Strong? Beautiful? Enough? Funny? That's my choice and each day I have that reminder to pick something to guide me through.

I have 12 tattoos and I love each and every one of them. They are my art. They are my reminders. They are my memories.

My FIRST was on my foot. What a good first tattoo placement right? No pain, easy peasy. Wrong. The side of my foot states - "You'll Never Walk Alone" with a little tiny paw print to follow. Cliche, but exactly what I needed to have closure about the loss of my dog after 18 years with her. Sometimes cliche is the only way to go, just like eating chocolate on your period and watching rom-coms when you're sad. Quoting a musical theatre song and having the ability to look down at my foot and know that my pup is always walking along side me is something that could never be too cliche to me.

Number TWO was previously mentioned above - "i am". The summer after graduating from HS, I decided to auditon for The Voice. Along with 800 other people that day, they took two - both 15 years old. I loved the experience, but as a human being I was obviously a little defeated. I got on the plane to head back to Oregon and the woman I sat next to changed my life. We got to talking, and she told me her story about how she fell off of a barn at the age of 17, and had to relearn all her motor functions when she woke up six months later from a coma. Talking to her, you would have no idea. She was exuberant, intelligent and driven as hell. After what she went through she realized it was time to make a change, so she started a company called I'm On A Mission, with the slogan being I Am, no period to follow. She wanted the people on this website and in her life, to be able to put whatever word they needed that day at the end of I am. She quickly convinced me to sing over the intercom on the plane and after a second of panic and the flight attendant actually agreeing, I said why not. I did it. I took this two hour plane ride and I decided that day where I was going to college, what my major was going to be, and how I was going to live for each present day. Who would have thought a two hour plane ride could do all that?

This leads me to tattoo number THREE. When I got into college, I spent a lot of time watching Netflix, trying to find new shows to watch when I needed a homework break. The show I finally stumbled upon, was One Tree Hill. 9 seasons. I’ve seen all 9 seasons, as least three times, and I just started watching it again. For anyone that’s seen it, I always loved Brooke and what her character embodied, but some of the things that Peyton wanted for her life and what she states, really stuck with me. In the pilot, Lucas finds her art and when he asks her why she won’t show anyone her work, she says –

“I wanna draw something that means something to someone, you know. I wanna draw blind faith or a fading summer or a moment of clarity. It’s like when you go to see a really great band live for the first time, you know, nobodies saying it, but everybody’s thinking it, we have something to believe in again. I wanna draw that feeling, but I can’t and if I can’t be great at it then I don’t wanna ruin it, it’s too important to me.”

When Peyton said that, I knew that that’s how I wanted to feel when creating music. I don’t wanna write love songs, or breakup songs, although, we all know they’ll sneak there way in there. I wanna write something that means something to someone. That’s where the idea for my 12 tattoo started. I always wanted a music tattoo, but it took me years to find something that wasn’t cliche and had a really great personal meaning. However, I got the idea for the 12 tattoo after seeing the new version of A Star Is Born with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. Granted, I left the movie theater crying so hard that I couldn’t drive home right away, but that’s how you know it was a good movie, right? If you felt something. Near the end of the movie, Sam Elliot says to Lady Gaga –

“Music is essentially 12 notes between any octave. Twelve notes, and the octave repeats. It’s the same story told over and over, forever. All any artist can offer the world is how they see those 12 notes.”

All we have, really, are our voices. All we can do is use them to say—or sing—something true. Writing something true is the reason I wanted to get into music. Music has helped me in more ways than I can count and it continues to everyday.

Number FOUR and the last tattoo that I'll mention because this will be a novel if I explain twelve different tattoos is from one of my favorite books. The full quote from The Great Gatsby:

“I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.”

Have you ever been out with friends and gotten so enraptured in the moment – laughing, making jokes, having deep conversations and then all of sudden, you zone out. You think about where you’re at, not just physically, but mentally. You have an incredible life, great friends, a good head on your shoulders, a college education. Sometimes when I think about all the things I want to accomplish or achieve, I forget about all the things that I DO have in my life. In this moment, you become both a participant and an observer of your own life. It’s beautiful and overwhelming, giving you a chance to be just simply grateful. That’s what being “within and without” means. While in Texas with my family, feeling everything that I just described above, I decided to get my eighth tattoo. While it may have been the most painful one to date, it may also have just climbed it’s way to the top as my new favorite - "within and without."

The last thing I'll say about body art or making a change is do it. If you have something that has special meaning to you, helps you get past something traumatic, or hell, you think looks cool and will give you some extra confidence - do it. My parents hate all my tattoos, because as most mom's usually say, "I birthed you with a perfect body and now you ruined it." I don't believe that I ruined it. I believe I made it better, because my tattoos make me better. One day, when I'm old and wrinkly, I plan on being able to look at my ribs, or my wrists, or behind my ears and have those memories. Or at least be able to look back at all the explanations I wrote about my "permanent reminders" and know that I made a choice toward self-discovery, closure, and making my own conclusions.