You Can’t Turn Back Now; Let It Take You

There's a certain thrill that belongs to this time of the year. It is unique, frightening, and coquettish even.

There's a calling to want to be creeped out, disturbed, or toyed with in an unsettling fashion.

If you're looking to bring out a bit of the dark side of a person, to frighten them, and to creep them out, you don't need tricks or treats.

You don't need creepy, crawly critters or gory, jump-scare ridden horror films.

Instead, you want them to know real fear...

And to do that,

you simply need to get them trapped in their heads.

And I've created this playlist for this exact purpose.

How do I know this playlist is effective?

Well, I used myself as the test subject; the guinea pig.

I played each song one by one and recorded the effect each song had on me. I also analyzed how the playlist affected me as a whole.

The results were staggering.

The playlist brought out of me feelings of regret, angst, and exposed my fear of vulnerability. It reminded me of my helplessness, revealed my obsessive habits, my feelings of betrayal, and prodded at my pain (desperation, loneliness, a desire for love and connection, and fear of loss).

I can almost bet that you will be met with the same thing...

Each song is relaxed enough to creep up on you. They each have a cathedral or chamber sounding reverb that imitates you being trapped in your head or spiraling within it. The songs either have very slowed singing which makes you hang on to every word the artist is saying. Or the songs contain repeating phrases which makes you hyperfocus on what they're trying to convey.

And lastly, you can hear, by the condition of their voice or the way they are conveying something, that each artist is struggling to get out on the other side.

You can hear, feel, and experience their struggling while listening to their songs. And undoubtedly, it'll bring back any memory of struggles or pain you've had in the past or magnify any struggles/pain that you are experiencing now.

This is at least what happened with me.

I was thrown into memory after memory, pain after pain. Never having a chance to catch my breath or process how I was previously feeling before being thrown into another. When I listened to these songs, they brought me back, right back, like I never left.

The breakdown of my analysis:

I took note of how each song sounds sonically and what that brings out in the listener. I expressed what the artists are conveying through their vocal range, tempo, rhythm, and texture. And finally, I described the memories each song evoked within me. For this, I also use pieces of art from my life that display how this playlist mirrors my life in a way.

So without further ado, here we go...

Song #1: "Hide" by Fka Twigs + Sunflower Dream

Stay beneath the ground/ Hide away from you/ I'd sink into the crowd/ If it meant that I'd escape your eye

The song:

• is trance-like and entrapping; feels like you won't escape
• has a clock-like ticking sound in the background that incites a feeling of anxiousness
• conveys the idea that she is afraid of beeing seen, of being vulnerable perhaps after being hurt badly
• has a reverb that intensifies every word sung
• her voice as well as the ticking slows as the song ends which represents dragging these feelings (of wanting to hide) out longer and longer

The memory it evoked in me:

Around the time I was gifted the animated portrait of me, "Sunflower Dream", I never wanted to leave my apartment. I only went to class and from class, I went straight home. I was in a very bad relationship with someone at the time and had become a recluse.

I was afraid of putting myself out there again.

This was the most depressing time of my life. I felt that it would never get better. So, I stayed in and, quite literally, hid away from everyone and everything.

This song made me revisit that state of mind. It pulled me back in. It mirrored how lonely and desperate for love I was.

And it's terrifying to look in that mirror...

Song #2: "About Today" by The National + "Reserved Dream"

You just walked away/ And I just watched you/ What could I say?/ How close am I/ To losing you?

The song:

The memory it brings me back to:

The time following the gifting of this potrait was tough, I was growing apart from someone I really cared for. Actually, he was the one who gifted me this portait. It was a subtle, gradual seperation but couldn't really be helped. The pain we both felt during it was excruciating.

I have several regrets about the way I did things, and this song makes me spiral out of control with thoughts of what I could've done.

It's scary to always wonder about what could've been if I would've done things differently...

Song #3: "JM" by Strand of Oaks + Derpy Dream

I was mean to my dad/ Cause I was mean to myself/ I had your sweet tunes to play/ Stealing smokes in my car/ With the windows way down/ I had your sweet tunes to play

The song:

The memory it evoked in me:

I know this animated portrait looks incredibly derpy and playful but the story behind it isn't. I was dealing with anger issues then, as well as struggling with accepting my placement in life at the time. The friend who gifted me this, would always try to cheer me up but I would take my anger out on him. I'd toss around insults and show him nothing but hostility and annoyance. He gifted me this potrait as a way to help me feel better...

I wasn't very appreciative.

This song pulls me back into that space. I shutter at the image I was presenting. It's not easy to remember how horrible of a friend I was back then. The regret is enough to keep me up at night.

Song #4: "FKA X inc." by Fka Twigs and inc. + "Winter Dream"

My man holds a lighter/ For the day I clamp his fire/ My man holds a lighter for our love/ So I try/ To satisfy/ My fallen dove/ My fallen dove/ I'm never gonna be your savior

The song:

The memory it brings me back to:

Around the time that I was gifted "Winter Dream", I was feeling love sick. I was really missing someone I had fallen in love with. I ached to be with him again even though I was sure I probably never would.

It was an excruciatingly painful point in my life. I'm reminded of it each time I listen to this song.

Song #5: "I Need My Girl" by The National + "Pencil Dream"

I can't get my head around it/ I keep feeling smaller and smaller/ I need my girl/I need my girl

The song:

• "I need my girl" is repeated throughout the song which expresses a sense of desperation that is eating him up
• "I keep feeling smaller and smaller" repeated at the end of the song conveys a feeling of hopelessness and a depleting self image
• his voice is slowed which makes the listener hang on to the message of loneliness, unfulfilled desire, and desperation that he displays

The memory it brings me back to:

"Pencil Dream" was gifted to me about 2 months after I was given "Winter Dream". And at that point, the longing that I had for the person I had fell in love with had turned into desperation and obsessiveness. I couldn't function properly in my life anymore.

This song conveys the same message, so I resonate with it on an experiential level; the feeling of needing someone.

It frightens me to remember how crippled I was back then.

Song #6: "Wishing" by Arlo Mckinley + "Dream in November"

It's no surprise/ I don't see love in your eyes/ I turned these hearts into a mess/ I need this medicine/ More than I need my friends/ So I'm wishing/ I'm wihing it all away

The song:

• "I'm wish it all away" conveys a deep sense of regret and wanting things to be different
• the idea of wanting the pain to just go away is clear
• "I need this medicine more than I need my friends" gives off a sense that his pain is serious and intense

The memory it brings me back to:

When I was gifted this sketch in November of 2020, I was starting a new relationship with someone. Actually, the person who drew this for me was the one who I was dating at the time. Although I was trying to take control of my love life and start brand new, I was held back by thought of an old flame. It stopped me from giving my all to the person in front of me.

I just wanted to be done with everything from the past; for my memories to be wiped completely so that I could be free.

This song reminds me of that struggle and all the pain that ensued because of it.

Song #7: "Family and Genus" by Shakey Graves + "Dream by David"

Where we will wait/ For friends and family/ To pass away or come and handy/...Wait for to lose our friends and family/ To fame and fire/ To dame or dandy

The song:

• the artist's name being 'Shakey Graves" is creepy in itself
• conveys a feeling of loss and is morbid in nature
• there are very few lyrics, which makes the ones that are there standout
• the music sounds upbeat, depressing, and nostalgic at the same time
• the slowed, paced out lyrics give a feeling of intensity

The memory it brings me back to:

Around the time that I was gifted this potrait of me, the world was still in the middle of lockdown and I was spending a tremendous amount of time with my family. I appreciated this time and valued it with all of my heart.

But as the time went, several of my family members passed away or we had bad arguments that resulted in them being out of my life.

This song reminds me of all the loss I've had and how I want desperately to go back in time.

Song #8: "Song For Zula" by Phosphorescent + Photo of me

Oh, but I know love/ As a fading thing/ Just as fickle as a feather in a stream/ See, honey I saw love/ You see, it came to me/ It put its face up to my face so I could see/ Yeah, then I saw love/ Disfigure me/ Into something I am not recognizing

The song:

• expresses being hurt and his fear to be vulnerable again
• conveys a feeling of not being able to recover and not recognizing himself because of it
• there is an undeniable hurt in his voice

The memory it brings me back to:

Lastly, at the time when this photo was taken, I was on a mission to start my life over in every sense. My love life is very important to me and so I decided that I'd put myself out there again. I began dating and fell in love after some time.

The time we spent together was beautiful.

That is, until an incident occured and broke my heart.

This song conveys my every feeling. The fear of being vulnerable again. And the feeling that the hurt has made me unrecognizable to myself.

It's something I'm struggling with currently.

And while I am well aware of the pain I feel, this song exacerbates it. I feel overwhelemed by the song and stuck in my head over the emotions it brings out in me...

Final Thoughts

So you see, this playlist isn't a trick or a treat.

Instead, it's torment. It's torture.

It's the perfect playlist for this time of year because it is the epitome of unsettling and frightening but packaged so innocently that no one would be able to tell.

This playlist is for anyone who wants to know fear...

Cause what better way to scare you than to trap you in your mind.

Alone. Afraid. And spiraling...